Kalikiano Kalei

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"Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor." -Wernher von Braun (B.1912-D.1977, rocket scientist)

    


Deposited here in this plantary host body at an early age by a vastly superior intelligence, it was originally my assigned task as a junior member of the galactic intelligence survey team to study the inhabitants of this savagely exciting place and report back my findings and observations on the ostensibly 'highest evolved intelligent life form' found on Planet Earth. Regrettably and inexplicably, I appear to have been abandoned to my own devices by my fellows in the interim. Accordingly, I pass the time and divert myself by jotting down my impressions of the indigenous sentient biological life forms (populating this planet) solely for my own amusement. It recently occurred to me that some of you Sapiens of the Homo genus might also find them bemusing (possibly even illuminating?), hence you shall find a few of my reflections on Earth life here. By some happy coincidence, I have found that setting my thoughts down in words to be one of the most refreshingly effective forms of psychotherapy available to an outworlder like myself. If I had to rely upon direct communications with the rudimentarily evolved 'human beings' I circulate among for personal social fulfillment (and understanding of their lives), I'd probably have long since turned into a puddle of insensate protoplasmic slag. Klatu barata nicto!



Accomplishments: Given the extreme difficulty implicit in trying to translate my many intergalactic accomplishments and achievements into a meaningful Earth language, I shall instead modestly say that on my home planet I am widely regarded by my transgalactic peers with all the sublime respect an earth person would accord to a particularly virulent strain of amoebic dysentary. This is a high honor among my own kind, of course, but I think it somewhat ironic to find that since most earthlings have the mean intelligence quotient of an amoeba's older and slightly smarter brothers, I am in perfectly lovely company here on the Planet Earth. What an absolutely happy and totally unexpected coincidence!

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LIFE EXPERIENCE: Occasional hot dates with 30,000 pound hunks of screaming Mach 2+ aircraft aluminum (NASA N819NA and USAF 59-0010), charter member of the exclusive '11 Mile High Club', former medical attendent to HRH King Fahad (now deceased) and Saudi Oil Minister Zaki Yamani, failed contender in 'World's Worst Fiction' contest, runner-up in the 'International Apallingly Atrocious Writing Competition', legend in my own mind, world's absolute worst surfer (excepting Buster Keaton), and periodic resident of the Molokai Institute for the Creatively Challenged (Hawaii). Professional egregious writer and published author (of undistinguished mediocrity).

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AWARDS: Winner of the 2001 Hunter S. Thompson Perpetual Trophy for Addled Existentialist Journalism. Failed contender for the John Steinbeck Foundation Award for Plagiaristic Cleverness (2007). Recipient of a grant from the National Venezuelan Beaver Cheese Industrial Board Merit Colloquium (1987) for curdling milk with Marxist inspired revolutionary poetry. Member Emeritus of the Ordure of Opposable-Thumb Knights of Culturally Dubious Literary Opprobrium (vested 1992). Failed candidate for the Allan C. Weisbecker writing award for Quantum Surf Mechanics Theory Applications (2008). (For more background on this last high honor, visit: http://www.aweisbecker.com/background/ )

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OUR MAXIM: "Dios, me libre de un hombre de uno libro!" (trans: "God deliver me from a man of one book!") -attributed to Don Miguel de Cervantes
     



Books

U S Chemical and Biological Defense Respirators by Kalikiano Kalei
An illustrated developmental history of the American military chemical and biological protective respirator for use against war agents, this work provides photographs of actual respirator specimens and several useful appendices, in addition to its engaging chapters. A perfect coffee table book to thoroughly confuse and depress your unwanted drop-in proletarian visitors (perhaps even send them scre...
  

Amazon.com  U. S. Chemical and Biological Defense Respirators 



Short Stories

Maile and the Little Green Menehune
 by Kalikiano Kalei
Hawaii is the ultimate melting pot, if you'll permit use of that archaic, late 19th Century term in place of the more modern and politically correct counterpart, 'diversity'. Although Hawaii today ...


Zipping Flies with Papa Hemingway
 by Kalikiano Kalei
This is a true story about 'Papa' Ernest Hemingway, culled from the many conflicting tidal currents of my varigated life, prior to becoming an orfink and subsequently (thereafter) a born-again Hawai...


Saddam's Toilet, Part 1
 by Kalikiano Kalei
A story of the 1991 Middle Eastern Gulf War, based upon real events and real people, with names and identities changed to protect the participants. This is part one of three. ...


Saddam's Toilet, Part 2
 by Kalikiano Kalei
The second of the 'Saddam's Toilet' stories, written while in Saudi Arabia (late 1980s). ...


Saddam's Toilet, Part 3
 by Kalikiano Kalei
The last and final installment of the 'Saddam's Toilet' stories written while an expatriate in Saudi Arabia. Real events, names and a few circumstances changed to protect the guilty. ...


Searching For Haumea...
 by Kalikiano Kalei
I have always believed that if there is a God, that indefinable omniscience must have a feminine spirit. Human nature being what it is, and given the extreme range of understanding, development, and i...


A White Raven
 by Kalikiano Kalei
As the ancient sailors once avowed on their long ocean journies to the ends of the Earth, "There be monsters here". Monsters, or simply unexplained phenomena? All things are strange and myst...


Farewell to Sherlockville
 by Kalikiano Kalei
This is a fragment of a narrative written many years ago, while resident on the Santa Cruz coastal area west of Watsonville (Sunset State Beach). It doesn't pretend to be anything other than part of ...


Down in the Valley--Chapter 1
 by Kalikiano Kalei
It's tough to grow up a smart kid in a community of ignorant little delinquents, but it's even tougher to get a grip on fulfilling that reputation for intelligence when saddled with ADD. When I was ...


First Class, or Guaranteed Delivery?
 by Kalikiano Kalei
The US Postal Service is frequently the butt of jokes about bureaucratic snarls, tangles, and chaotic confusion. Let me be the first to assure you that, as bad as it may seem, the USPS has absolutely ...


The Fruitcake King of Riyadh
 by Kalikiano Kalei
For many the 'F-word' is a scatological ejaculation that while typically serving as a salty expression of extreme irritation, refers to a certain act of vigorous physical procreative interaction amo...


The Point of It All
 by Kalikiano Kalei
All of human life is unending chaos and storm, interspersed with brief moments of calm. The belief that there is absolute good in the world depends upon one's subjective interpretation of the histori...


A Story of Kauhuhu, the Shark God of Molokai
 by Kalikiano Kalei
Ancient Hawaiians worshipped many different gods, all of which populated their animistic pantheon of deities. According to Hawaiian custom, some of these gods would assume the form of a particular ani...


Rabbit Moon, Tiger Moon
 by Kalikiano Kalei
Long before the wealthy discovered the lovely coastal enclave of the Pebble Beach Golf & Country Club on California's Carmel coast, the early Chinese pioneers of the 1850s Gold Rush era settled there...


The Doodah Room
 by Kalikiano Kalei
Towards the end of Gulf War 1, on February 26 & 27th of 1991, a lengthy column of Iraqis irregulars and civilians fled from the advancing Coalition Forces on the highway connecting Kuwait City and Bas...


The First (Near) Ascent of Heartbreak Hill
 by Kalikiano Kalei
A fragment of a story, never continued, drawn from real life in Santa Cruz, California ('Surf City', or one of 'em, anyway). Sister Julie, may you rot in the lowest level of Dante's Inferno for et...



Poetry

If women had udders...!
 by Kalikiano Kalei
Have you ever wondered what it is about breasts that pushes so many hormonal buttons in human beings? No?! Mmm. Ok. Well here's an admittedly TERRIBLE rhyming poem (with absolutely abysmal meter...


Of Rose, as sunset floods the room at dusk
 by Kalikiano Kalei
Written back in 1979, when I was in the onset of my Asian-phase at UC Berkeley and thought I knew a thing or two about romantic love. Now, of course, I understand love somewhat more broadly, as t...


Five Up, One Down...
 by Kalikiano Kalei
T.E. Lawrence had a great love for his Brough Superior SS100, in the 1920s and 30s one of the truly great motorcycles of that era. Lawrence lived his life always just one step ahead of uncer...


More dirty climbing limericks
 by Kalikiano Kalei
Back in the 70s, 'dirty climbing limericks' like these were a regular part of the evening's amusement in Yosemite's notorious 'Camp-4', when certain of us got together in the moon-shad...


First ascent of Broad Peak!
 by Kalikiano Kalei
Every once in a while I give vent to some silly bit of doggerel that has germinated deep inside my wizened little frontal lobe, while out on the granite faces I so admire in the Yosemite are...


Sainted Mother Teresa
 by Kalikiano Kalei
A whore to spiritual goodness is almost as bad, in an existential sense, as a whore to carnal sin. Or is it? Who among us is not a whore on occasion, to something? What is the essence of sin...


Sawtooth Haiku
 by Kalikiano Kalei
Light hearted bits of nothingness after the haiku style, jotted down in the Sawtooth Ridge area late one October evening (1974), after the first successful ascent of the Matterhorn (Peak) with tr...


Somewhere in my sleep
 by Kalikiano Kalei
Reaching back to 1976, this was written on a Cal Hiking Club (UC Berkeley) trip into the Mokelumne Wilderness, following a series of now long-dead remote wilderness Gold Rush ghost towns. In...


Koto-kaze
 by Kalikiano Kalei
A flashback to Berkeley of the 80s, study of Iai-do under my sensei there and acquiring the ways of non-martial bushi-do under (or above) Barbara Hayashi....


The soundless temple bell
 by Kalikiano Kalei
Late afternoon at the shrine, the air is hot and still, the sun unrelenting. Sweat and zazen. The great bell of the shrine hangs motionlessly, impervious to vibration as the pilgrims approach. Hachima...


Hearts and minds
 by Kalikiano Kalei
Written on 1 Oct 82 after a climb of the Sierra Matterhorn (Sawtooth Ridge, Eastern border of Yosemite), there're fewer things more humbling than looking into the guts of the Universe from 1...


Rabbit gazing at full moon
 by Kalikiano Kalei
In 1982, Rabbit's moon-gazing was interrupted by the God of War's restlessness, prompting this piece. In a few short weeks it is an interesting coincidence that the lunar Year of the Rabbit beg...


Hara: Reality as fantasy
 by Kalikiano Kalei
Written back in 1983, I frankly haven't the foggiest notion of what was running through my head at the time I penned this (unless it was latent mesmerisation caused by those enchanted peaks and ...


Poet for rent
 by Kalikiano Kalei
RENT: N & V. Large tear in garment,etc.; opening, in clouds, etc., as if torn; cleft, fissure, gorge (f.obs rent, var. of RENT). -The Concise Oxford Dictionary, New Edition (6th), 4th Im...


Tiger! Tiger! Tiger!
 by Kalikiano Kalei
Written on Pearl Harbor day, 1982. Barbara Hayashi and her family were NOT impressed at the time (nor would they probably be today)....


On the wisdom of ancient grandmothers
 by Kalikiano Kalei
Ancient Grandmother will hasten to remind you that she too was once where you are, lest this fact be forgotten by her children. ...


Separated by a mere hair's breadth
 by Kalikiano Kalei
Mushy, gushy stuff from a prior lifetime. "WARNING! KIDS! Don't try this at home without parental supervision! Professional human male, professional life experience!" ...


The Almost Baby
 by Kalikiano Kalei
Even more puerile meanderings of the pen from previous decades, this one about the only child I every knowingly fostered. A small vignette from my Berkeley of the late 70s/early 80s. ...


Storm-Bridge Moonlight
 by Kalikiano Kalei
More puerile poems from WAY back in the days when I still had hopes, dreams, ideals and courage to meet the days. Sadly, now I'm an old 'poopy-pants' who has forgotten how to love passionate...


Raw Meat
 by Kalikiano Kalei
I have always fancied myself a modestly talented writer with substantial potential, but looking back over my collected scribblings of the past 40 years it is all too easy to discern the real...


Desert Haiku, For Ewe
 by Kalikiano Kalei
It seems to have been my fate to have been willingly bound into one of the most passionate relationships of my life amidst the vast wastes of one of the most religiously conservative nations on t...


A Warm Puppy Pome (sic)
 by Kalikiano Kalei
There are few things in the world as thoroughly enjoyable as infant animals, including kittens, despite the following whimsy. Personally, I've always preferred puppies and kittens to little human inf...


Le Petite Ballet de Dauguey Dieu
 by Kalikiano Kalei
Each day I accompany my furry companions on their outtings to the local park. As most of you know, dogs will not usually relieve themselves without some sort of strong odoriferous stimulus--usually th...


Haumea's Rainbow
 by Kalikiano Kalei
I cannot explain this in too great a detail, for it is a subject of extreme poignancy and I am a hopelessly weak person who clings to an example of rare goodness and pure loving regard for others like...


Love With Bilge-Pump
 by Kalikiano Kalei
Off with all thim jewels 'round yer purty neck, missie! We're wont ta bury thim somewheres in the Adriatic (or is it the Baltic?...or the Agean?...or the Caribbean?...oh, the hell with it!...ji...



Articles

German Wartime Ejection Seat Developments
 by Kalikiano Kalei
Sixth in a series of brief articles prepared for the official newsletter of the LARA (Luftwaffe Aircrew Reenactors Association), presented here for whatever interest they may hold for military history...


Luftwaffe Air-Evacuation in WW2
 by Kalikiano Kalei
Fifth in a series of brief articles prepared for publication in 'Der Adler', the official newsletter of the LARA (Luftwaffe Aircrew Reenactors Association). Although somewhat short and generalised, th...


Creating an authentic 2WK Luftwaffe Aircrewman Impression
 by Kalikiano Kalei
Fourth in a series of brief articles on the German Luftwaffe of the 2WK (WW2) prepared for publication in the official newsletter ('Der Adler') of the LARA (Luftwaffe Aircrew Reenactors Association)...


The Luftwaffe 2WK Aviation Watches
 by Kalikiano Kalei
Third in a series of brief articles prepared for publication in the official newsletter of the LARA (Luftwaffe Aircrew Reenactors Association), that despite their necessary brevity may still be of int...


German aviator breathing systems in the 2WK
 by Kalikiano Kalei
Second in a series of brief articles written for publication in 'Der Adler', the official newsletter of the LARA (Luftwaffe Aircrew Reenactors Association), which despite their brevity, may still be...


Ritter der Lüfte: Chivalry in 2WK aerial combat
 by Kalikiano Kalei
This is the first in a series of brief articles turned out for the official publication of the LARA (Luftwaffe Aircrew Reenactors Association) newsletter 'Der Adler'. Due to the length requirement (...


War From the German Perspective: A Matter of Differential History
 by Kalikiano Kalei
Too frequently we read histories of the Second World War unmindful of the fact that there were two distinct sides to the conflict; two equally 'human' faces, as it were. That 'other' side is not o...


Rell Sunn: Soul of the Aloha Spirit
 by Kalikiano Kalei
We all have heroes and heroines that inspire our lives. Individuals who by leading a noble life, have set examples for the rest of us to emulate. Here is one of mine. ...


Recreating Luftwaffe WW2 History
 by Kalikiano Kalei
Contemporary historical reenactment/living history portrayal of the German Luftwaffe in World War Two. Considerations appear herein for reflection and analysis....


Film Review: Final Approach (1991)
 by Kalikiano Kalei
Perhaps one of the most intriguing (and extremely hard to find) movies of the past two decades or so, this film is often misinterpreted as a sci-fi 'thriller' (and sometimes as an 'aerospace action fi...


Cafe Racing of the 60s: Rockers, Ton-up Boys and the 59 Club
 by Kalikiano Kalei
Under discussion here is a different sort of 'cafe society' than you may be imagining, since it is about the English 60s motorcycling cultural phenomenon known as 'cafe racing'. Join me as we take...


What did you do in the war, daddy? (Part 2)
 by Kalikiano Kalei
The saga of medical life in the far northern ZI (Zone of the Interior) during the 'Cold War' continues. Note: No citizens of North Dakota were hurt or injured in the creation of this memoir abo...


Rosary or pessary? Molokai gains its own saint!
 by Kalikiano Kalei
Humorist Tom Lehrer was famous in the late 70s for his witty songs about various subjects, not least among them his wonderfully funny 'Vatican Rag'. The Vatican, of course, never saw the humor ...


Safety Technology: Air-bags for Motorcycles
 by Kalikiano Kalei
Advanced technology is a valuable asset in helping make operation of two-wheeled vehicles safer and less implicitly hazardous. The following material takes a look at one of the most recent innovations...


A Trip to Tiger Mountain
 by Kalikiano Kalei
Christine Chan, aged 31 and an incredibly promising young woman climber of high intelligence and remarkable accomplishments, inexplicably lost her life in a climbing accident in July of 2010. The foll...


Hysterical Recreation or Historical Reenactment?
 by Kalikiano Kalei
One of the more modern forms of socially acceptable adult entertainment has become what we refer to as 'Historical Reenactment'. This involves the re-creation of various period military battles...


See and be seen: Avoiding two-wheeled brain death
 by Kalikiano Kalei
In the animal world, the male of most species is always the most colorful, while the female is typically rather drab. The reverse custom seems to be the human preference, for some odd reason, but...


A Brief History of the Mountaineering Ice Axe
 by Kalikiano Kalei
A mercifully brief (or not) overview of how that basic tool of mountaineering (the ice axe) came into being as both a historic symbol and vital tool of modern mountain climbing. ...


What did you do in the war, daddy? (Part 1)
 by Kalikiano Kalei
When I was in the Air Force and facing the possible consequences of being a uniformed active duty war-protestor, I found myself wondering what I'd tell my kids about my involvement in the V...


Pi ka ihu, ha’u i ka makani
 by Kalikiano Kalei
Rage: an unchecked outpouring of extreme anger, usually released indirectly and inappropriately by some trigger that has merely served as a catalytic spark. No one is exempt from moments of ...


Ass Why Hod, Bruddah: Racism in Hawaii
 by Kalikiano Kalei
Racism is an ineradicable aspect of all ethnic cultures and civilisations on the planet; it is one of the most ancient human cultural characteristics. Consider Hawaii, that paradisical and ostens...


Localism in Hawaii: A Search for Respect
 by Kalikiano Kalei
"Locals only" is a phrase commonly used at surfing spots both in Hawaii and on the mainland. It may be interpreted as a desire for identity, respect, and a sense of belonging: qualities that are ...


A History of Chinese Aviation Flight Helmets and Oxygen Masks
 by Kalikiano Kalei
Detailed, factual information on Chinese military technology is still quite difficult to access, as despite China's continuing embrace of all things Western, a traditional air of secretiveness a...


A History of US Military Jet Age Flight Helmet Developments
 by Kalikiano Kalei
Ask anyone what their visual impression of a military pilot is and they will invariably describe an airman wearing a parachute and a protective flight helmet. The following is an examination...


Supporting Life at 80,000 Feet:
 by Kalikiano Kalei
Space is inherently hostile to all biological life as we know it here on Earth. As aviators flew higher and higher into the rarified atmosphere that verges on space, it became necessary to d...



News

Local Writer Not Slated to Receive Steinbeck Foundation Recognition
 by Kalikiano Kalei
Kalikiano Kalei, obscure and almost completely unknown author of little literary note and even lesser journalistic distinction, was recently not selected to receive the annual Steinbeck Foundation Awa...


Links

Reno Aviation Museum
The newly founded Reno Aviation Museum Foundation, one of the newest aviation preservation efforts being initiated in Reno, NV, the home of the National Air Races. The museum is in the process of acquiring aircraft and further developing its presence. Member of the RAM board and historical consultant. See also the RAM FACEBOOK PAGE: https://www.facebook.com/RenoAeroMuseum


Aeolus Aerospace
The principal website at which some of my journalistic investigations in aerospace history and related concerns may be found.

Aerospace Museum of California (AMC)
Member of the Board of Directors, custodian of the museum's ex-NASA Lockheed F-104B Starfighter, and aerospace historian for life support and egress technology affairs.

Luftwaffe Aircrew Reenactors Association (LARA)
Member, Luftgau VI, Western USA. Living History reenactment of wartime (WW2) German Luftwaffe aircrews (specifically the Sanitätsdienst der Deutsches Luftwaffe, or Medical Service of the German Air Force).


Additional information

A few of my serious published works do exist (in the subject area of chemical and biological defense technology), but the material appearing in Authors' Den is presented largely for your amusement. Someone recently complimented me hugely by observing that my writing is proof that sitting a single extraterrestrial down in front of 100,000 PC keyboards will eventually produce a recognisably dirty 'adult story'. Much of my whimsical work is done on the lovely island of Molokai, in the Hawaiian Islands, where an occasional falling coconut serves to cathartically jolt my scattered cerebral neurons back into thoughtful realignment, where the he'e nalu is good, and where the lovely wahines are always eager to learn about advanced Tau Ceti reproductive techniques (when they aren't all studying the hula, under the tutelage of their kumus, that is). There is no truth at all to the assertion that my opinion of myself is so good that I regard myself as a mere hobby! All that having been guilelessly shared, be prepared to boldly go where endless trillions of Earthly mortals have noisily tramped before. Don't forget to have the conductor punch your banana for the return trip, and by all means, enjoy the journey as much as you can, since you can never leave the destination without changing form and substance in a manner wholly unknown to Earth science.

 
Contact Information

Aeolus Aerospace
5960 South Land Park Drive #256 
Sacramento   CA   95822   USA
 Kalikiano Kalei
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