SAMPLE PAGE FROM BOOK
Monday 6th October. Feeling unwell. Was I suffering from a life threatening fever? Was it swine flue? No. Was it the curry? It was! How do I know? Because after eating a scorching hot Indian, mother answered a little after midnight. Thoughtfully brought up the horrid looking contents of her stomach, but I didn’t think it resembled much of a curry though! Mother vomited all night, but thankfully, not over me!
Tuesday 7th October. Mother worships idols (dead and alive) like George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Jim Morrison, Janis Joplin and some 70’s singer called Melanie, but most of all, she worships Beatrice Dalle. Beatrice who? She played the character Betty in the film Betty Blue! More of that another day.
My padded cell is so big I could swing a great, floppy fish around this weird, water world I inhabit. If only I could hang out a sign on my front door saying, ‘Don’t feed the fish, just feed me’. Listening mother?
Yesterday, when I was waiting for the number 29 bus outside Ronnie Patel’s British Fish and Chip Shop on the corner of Moon Street, I overheard a two-week old newborn in a pram complaining (I think he was Joshua the Jew in his unborn days). He was telling his neighbour how ‘one doesn’t realise what is lost when the womb is just a distant memory. It is only when having lost your home, you appreciate what has come and gone’. I think he’ll be a philosopher one day!
Wednesday 8th October. Today I have developed temperamental tantrums! What follows temperamental tantrums? Temperamental breakdowns of course. I am fully stressed, and could someone please call a doctor. I feel a strong urge to kick out at something. Strangely, mother comes to mind. Then again, kick out with what? My legs are too short, my feet too inadequate. Everything is too small!
Thursday 9th October. Evening. In the short period I have known mother, she has been fired from many jobs. Take five weeks ago; she worked as a waitress in Harvey’s Hamburgers and was fired everyday from the same job. Harvey kept re-hiring her, but finally, after the 18th time, he insisted she keep re-applying to a new restaurant. I guess he eventually saw the light!
Late Evening. Mother is remembering past moments like the time she bumped into French actress Beatrice Dalle, the infamous Betty in the film, Betty Blue. Mother first met Beatrice one rainy day on a Brittany beach holiday in St.Malo. They became friends, then lost touch (Beatrice became a big star, mother didn’t!). In mother’s current state of mind, it was the character of Betty Blue she met, not the actress Beatrice Dalle! I’m seriously considering sectioning mother to a top security, lunatic asylum, paid for by the NHS of course! However, here comes the crunch, because if mother does go inside, so do I, and then I would be incarcerated in two padded cells. In that case, two cells are not better than one!
Friday 10th October. Morning. Late for the doctor’s appointment. It rained cats and dogs all morning. Mother telephoned for a taxi. I suffered severe, traumatic shock syndrome when the taxi eventually arrived. It was dressed-up in shocking pink from back bumper to bonnet!
Because of the rain, the Pink Pussy Cat Cars, were the only taxi firm available. I told mother she was a complete embarrassment ordering such a head-turner! However, embarrassment is foreign to mother. There would be more chance of embarrassing a lap-dancer!
The driver looked seriously obese. I reckon there was the strong likelihood of him having a massive heart attack whilst driving. His name was Tony, our pink sweater, Pink Pussy Cat, driver. His wrist jangled with all the ‘top-of-the-range,’ (his words) ‘bling,’ (my word) including a 24-carat gold (he boasted) bracelet, but my top-of-the-range sixth sense told me it was cheap 9 carat. I kept my mouth shut (not that I have much of one at present!).
The traffic was horrendous. My poor heart was palpitating faster than it takes an MP to cheat on his wife in the first year on the job!
Lulu was my first publisher for THE ABSURD SECRET DIARY OF AN UNBORN BABY.
CAT GALAXY 9 will be a sci-fi series of books for teenager and the first will be published in 2011