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"Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor." -Wernher von Braun (B.1912-D.1977, rocket scientist)

    


Deposited here in this plantary host body at an early age by a vastly superior intelligence, it was originally my assigned task as a junior member of the galactic intelligence survey team to study the inhabitants of this savagely exciting place and report back my findings and observations on the ostensibly 'highest evolved intelligent life form' found on Planet Earth. Regrettably and inexplicably, I appear to have been abandoned to my own devices by my fellows in the interim. Accordingly, I pass the time and divert myself by jotting down my impressions of the indigenous sentient biological life forms (populating this planet) solely for my own amusement. It recently occurred to me that some of you Sapiens of the Homo genus might also find them bemusing (possibly even illuminating?), hence you shall find a few of my reflections on Earth life here. By some happy coincidence, I have found that setting my thoughts down in words to be one of the most refreshingly effective forms of psychotherapy available to an outworlder like myself. If I had to rely upon direct communications with the rudimentarily evolved 'human beings' I circulate among for personal social fulfillment (and understanding of their lives), I'd probably have long since turned into a puddle of insensate protoplasmic slag. Klatu barata nicto!



Accomplishments: Given the extreme difficulty implicit in trying to translate my many intergalactic accomplishments and achievements into a meaningful Earth language, I shall instead modestly say that on my home planet I am widely regarded by my transgalactic peers with all the sublime respect an earth person would accord to a particularly virulent strain of amoebic dysentary. This is a high honor among my own kind, of course, but I think it somewhat ironic to find that since most earthlings have the mean intelligence quotient of an amoeba's older and slightly smarter brothers, I am in perfectly lovely company here on the Planet Earth. What an absolutely happy and totally unexpected coincidence!

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LIFE EXPERIENCE: Occasional hot dates with 30,000 pound hunks of screaming Mach 2+ aircraft aluminum (NASA N819NA and USAF 59-0010), charter member of the exclusive '11 Mile High Club', former medical attendent to HRH King Fahad (now deceased) and Saudi Oil Minister Zaki Yamani, failed contender in 'World's Worst Fiction' contest, runner-up in the 'International Apallingly Atrocious Writing Competition', legend in my own mind, world's absolute worst surfer (excepting Buster Keaton), and periodic resident of the Molokai Institute for the Creatively Challenged (Hawaii). Professional egregious writer and published author (of undistinguished mediocrity).

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AWARDS: Winner of the 2001 Hunter S. Thompson Perpetual Trophy for Addled Existentialist Journalism. Failed contender for the John Steinbeck Foundation Award for Plagiaristic Cleverness (2007). Recipient of a grant from the National Venezuelan Beaver Cheese Industrial Board Merit Colloquium (1987) for curdling milk with Marxist inspired revolutionary poetry. Member Emeritus of the Ordure of Opposable-Thumb Knights of Culturally Dubious Literary Opprobrium (vested 1992). Failed candidate for the Allan C. Weisbecker writing award for Quantum Surf Mechanics Theory Applications (2008). (For more background on this last high honor, visit: http://www.aweisbecker.com/background/ )

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OUR MAXIM: "Dios, me libre de un hombre de uno libro!" (trans: "God deliver me from a man of one book!") -attributed to Don Miguel de Cervantes
     



Books

U S Chemical and Biological Defense Respirators by Kalikiano Kalei
An illustrated developmental history of the American military chemical and biological protective respirator for use against war agents, this work provides photographs of actual respirator specimens and several useful appendices, in addition to its engaging chapters. A perfect coffee table book to thoroughly confuse and depress your unwanted drop-in proletarian visitors (perhaps even send them scre...
  

Amazon.comU. S. Chemical and Biological Defense Respirators 



Short Stories

Maile and the Little Green Menehune
 by Kalikiano Kalei
Hawaii is the ultimate melting pot, if you'll permit use of that archaic, late 19th Century term in place of the more modern and politically correct counterpart, 'diversity'. Although Hawaii today ...


Zipping Flies with Papa Hemingway
 by Kalikiano Kalei
This is a true story about 'Papa' Ernest Hemingway, culled from the many conflicting tidal currents of my varigated life, prior to becoming an orfink and subsequently (thereafter) a born-again Hawai...


Saddam's Toilet, Part 1
 by Kalikiano Kalei
A story of the 1991 Middle Eastern Gulf War, based upon real events and real people, with names and identities changed to protect the participants. This is part one of three. ...


Saddam's Toilet, Part 2
 by Kalikiano Kalei
The second of the 'Saddam's Toilet' stories, written while in Saudi Arabia (late 1980s). ...


Saddam's Toilet, Part 3
 by Kalikiano Kalei
The last and final installment of the 'Saddam's Toilet' stories written while an expatriate in Saudi Arabia. Real events, names and a few circumstances changed to protect the guilty. ...


Searching For Haumea...
 by Kalikiano Kalei
I have always believed that if there is a God, that indefinable omniscience must have a feminine spirit. Human nature being what it is, and given the extreme range of understanding, development, and i...


A White Raven
 by Kalikiano Kalei
As the ancient sailors once avowed on their long ocean journies to the ends of the Earth, "There be monsters here". Monsters, or simply unexplained phenomena? All things are strange and myst...



Poetry

If women had udders...!
 by Kalikiano Kalei
Have you ever wondered what it is about breasts that pushes so many hormonal buttons in human beings? No?! Mmm. Ok. Well here's an admittedly TERRIBLE rhyming poem (with absolutely abysmal meter...


Of Rose, as sunset floods the room at dusk
 by Kalikiano Kalei
Written back in 1979, when I was in the onset of my Asian-phase at UC Berkeley and thought I knew a thing or two about romantic love. Now, of course, I understand love somewhat more broadly, as t...


Five Up, One Down...
 by Kalikiano Kalei
T.E. Lawrence had a great love for his Brough Superior SS100, in the 1920s and 30s one of the truly great motorcycles of that era. Lawrence lived his life always just one step ahead of uncer...


More dirty climbing limericks
 by Kalikiano Kalei
Back in the 70s, 'dirty climbing limericks' like these were a regular part of the evening's amusement in Yosemite's notorious 'Camp-4', when certain of us got together in the moon-shad...


First ascent of Broad Peak!
 by Kalikiano Kalei
Every once in a while I give vent to some silly bit of doggerel that has germinated deep inside my wizened little frontal lobe, while out on the granite faces I so admire in the Yosemite are...


Sainted Mother Teresa
 by Kalikiano Kalei
A whore to spiritual goodness is almost as bad, in an existential sense, as a whore to carnal sin. Or is it? Who among us is not a whore on occasion, to something? What is the essence of sin...


Sawtooth Haiku
 by Kalikiano Kalei
Light hearted bits of nothingness after the haiku style, jotted down in the Sawtooth Ridge area late one October evening (1974), after the first successful ascent of the Matterhorn (Peak) with tr...



Articles

German Wartime Ejection Seat Developments
 by Kalikiano Kalei
Sixth in a series of brief articles prepared for the official newsletter of the LARA (Luftwaffe Aircrew Reenactors Association), presented here for whatever interest they may hold for military history...


Luftwaffe Air-Evacuation in WW2
 by Kalikiano Kalei
Fifth in a series of brief articles prepared for publication in 'Der Adler', the official newsletter of the LARA (Luftwaffe Aircrew Reenactors Association). Although somewhat short and generalised, th...


Creating an authentic 2WK Luftwaffe Aircrewman Impression
 by Kalikiano Kalei
Fourth in a series of brief articles on the German Luftwaffe of the 2WK (WW2) prepared for publication in the official newsletter ('Der Adler') of the LARA (Luftwaffe Aircrew Reenactors Association)...


The Luftwaffe 2WK Aviation Watches
 by Kalikiano Kalei
Third in a series of brief articles prepared for publication in the official newsletter of the LARA (Luftwaffe Aircrew Reenactors Association), that despite their necessary brevity may still be of int...


German aviator breathing systems in the 2WK
 by Kalikiano Kalei
Second in a series of brief articles written for publication in 'Der Adler', the official newsletter of the LARA (Luftwaffe Aircrew Reenactors Association), which despite their brevity, may still be...


Ritter der Lüfte: Chivalry in 2WK aerial combat
 by Kalikiano Kalei
This is the first in a series of brief articles turned out for the official publication of the LARA (Luftwaffe Aircrew Reenactors Association) newsletter 'Der Adler'. Due to the length requirement (...


War From the German Perspective: A Matter of Differential History
 by Kalikiano Kalei
Too frequently we read histories of the Second World War unmindful of the fact that there were two distinct sides to the conflict; two equally 'human' faces, as it were. That 'other' side is not o...



News

Local Writer Not Slated to Receive Steinbeck Foundation Recognition
 by Kalikiano Kalei
Kalikiano Kalei, obscure and almost completely unknown author of little literary note and even lesser journalistic distinction, was recently not selected to receive the annual Steinbeck Foundation Awa...


Links

Reno Aviation Museum
The newly founded Reno Aviation Museum Foundation, one of the newest aviation preservation efforts being initiated in Reno, NV, the home of the National Air Races. The museum is in the process of acquiring aircraft and further developing its presence. Member of the RAM board and historical consultant. See also the RAM FACEBOOK PAGE: https://www.facebook.com/RenoAeroMuseum


Aeolus Aerospace
The principal website at which some of my journalistic investigations in aerospace history and related concerns may be found.

Aerospace Museum of California (AMC)
Member of the Board of Directors, custodian of the museum's ex-NASA Lockheed F-104B Starfighter, and aerospace historian for life support and egress technology affairs.

Luftwaffe Aircrew Reenactors Association (LARA)
Member, Luftgau VI, Western USA. Living History reenactment of wartime (WW2) German Luftwaffe aircrews (specifically the Sanitätsdienst der Deutsches Luftwaffe, or Medical Service of the German Air Force).


Additional information

A few of my serious published works do exist (in the subject area of chemical and biological defense technology), but the material appearing in Authors' Den is presented largely for your amusement. Someone recently complimented me hugely by observing that my writing is proof that sitting a single extraterrestrial down in front of 100,000 PC keyboards will eventually produce a recognisably dirty 'adult story'. Much of my whimsical work is done on the lovely island of Molokai, in the Hawaiian Islands, where an occasional falling coconut serves to cathartically jolt my scattered cerebral neurons back into thoughtful realignment, where the he'e nalu is good, and where the lovely wahines are always eager to learn about advanced Tau Ceti reproductive techniques (when they aren't all studying the hula, under the tutelage of their kumus, that is). There is no truth at all to the assertion that my opinion of myself is so good that I regard myself as a mere hobby! All that having been guilelessly shared, be prepared to boldly go where endless trillions of Earthly mortals have noisily tramped before. Don't forget to have the conductor punch your banana for the return trip, and by all means, enjoy the journey as much as you can, since you can never leave the destination without changing form and substance in a manner wholly unknown to Earth science.

 
Contact Information

Aeolus Aerospace
5960 South Land Park Drive #256 
Sacramento   CA   95822   USA
 Kalikiano Kalei
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