When I was taking care of my mother and father, whom were both diagnosed at the same time with Alzheimer’s, I researched daily the effects of Alzheimer’s. I learned what to expect as the disease progressed in them. I can now look back on caretaking of them and realize that without knowledge I would have been unable to do the job that was set forth for me to do – be a caregiver to my parents in the last years of their life. I learned that since there was not a cure for Alzheimer’s, I would also face the reality of their death.
Although, Hospice answered many of my questions about the process of dying, I knew that each death was unique to each individual. I had an urgent need to know what to expect upon my parents death – so I would not show fear and could remain strong for them. I prayed to God to erase this fear and give me the strength I knew I would need.
While taking care of my parents, I prayed daily for God’s guidance. Through prayer I knew that no matter how bad or how difficult things became God would carry me through it. No matter how much I researched, read and talked with other caregivers, my reality was overcoming my fear of watching my parents die. Little did I realize they would die just 36 Days Apart of each other. I remember talking with family and friends about my fear of death and being alone in the room with Mom and Dad when they die. I did not want my parents to feel my fear, because I did not want to burden them with my pain.
My determination of being present with both of them when they die was deeply seeded inside of me. But, I needed to overcome the fear! I prayed daily to God to help me overcome that fear. I voiced my desire to Hospice that I wanted to be present when my parents passed. Hospice turned to me and told me “it’s not always your choice.” Many weeks prior to my father’s passing I would wake every night at exactly 3:33. I didn’t understand why I was waking at this time, until the phone call came that night at exactly 3:33 telling me that my father had passed. I didn’t get to be with my father when he passed. He didn’t want me there. He sensed my fear and as a father, who always protects his children, he didn’t want me to see him die. I remember when I was saying my “goodbyes” to him, there was one promise that I made him. I promised him that I would be by my mother’s side, holding her hand until the very end. I promised him that I would not let her die alone.
I prayed constantly to God to give me the strength and courage, and to erase all fear inside of me when my mother passed. I had made a promise to my father, and I was determined to keep it. You can read all the books in the world and talk to all the people in the world about dying, but there is only one thing that will keep you strong and give you courage to see it through, and that is God. God answered my prayers, I held my mother’s hand the day she passed, I held her hand, never to let go of her, never to forget her, to always keep her close to me in my heart. That day I kept my promise to Dad and on that day God held my hand.
Deborah Tornillo
Author, "36 Days Apart"
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