Undoubtedly toilet homour. This is a racing commentary with a difference. However disgusted one may feel about flatulence it has been the subject of mirth for centuries. This book is as yet unpublished (and if it is it will not be repeated!)but if anyone would like to see more please send me a review.

The Grunt National

Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, and here we are at the Grunt National course in Anustree. It’s a gloriously fine and sunny afternoon and there’s very little wind about….yet, which means we have near perfect conditions for this year’s ‘Ghandi’s Revenge Grunt National Cup.

We’ll have a look at the starting line-up in a moment but first, let’s have a recap on the race itself…

There are four tents to visit along the 200 meter course where each competitor can top up their gastric constitutions with well known gas producing consumables. And, of course, inserted directly into the rectum is the fart-bag which collects the by-product which is ‘weighed in’ at the end. The winner is the bag with the largest volume collected in the shortest possible time. In the event of equal volume, the contents are graded for smell and the least amount of texture or residue.

…and here come the competitors to the line. Leading the way you can see is ‘Rumble Tum’, last year’s favourite who showed a lot of promise but didn’t quite come up with the goods from his rear end.

Behind Rumble Tum comes ‘Big Barf’, a lardy chap with a big reputation for gargantuous grunts but one huge fart does not guarantee success.

Next is ‘Double Bubble’. Now he’s managed a couple of successes this year by developing a surprisingly large Colon. His trainer said that he has held onto a fart for two weeks to expand his colonic capacity but has had to be careful of the inevitable danger of follow through.

Next in the field is ‘Silent Sid’. A bit of a sneaky character some say and this may well prove to be the case today. He’s sneaked in a couple of quiet wins this season and can’t be discounted because what he may lack in sound and volume is more than compensated the sheer evilness of the smell.

Behind Silent Sid is the Favourite ‘Fwoar!’ Without a doubt the most noticeable entry in the field. Recently he surprised everyone with a superb exhibition at Pongcaster where he clearly won by a nose.

They’re coming up to the starting line. Woops! Double Bubble has let one go before the start and has had to be corked. Everyone’s getting a little fidgety now as the smell of Double Bubbles eagerness permeates the still warm air….And here’s the latest betting. It’s even money on Fwoar, 2/1 Double Bubble, 5/2 Big Barf, 8/1 Silent Sid and 25/1 Rumble Tum.

All the runners are lined up. They’re under farter’s orders…..AND THEY’RE BLOWING OFF!…

…and it’s a first time off with Rumble Tum making the first noises as expected as he races over to the baked bean tent followed closely by Double Bubble. Slipping in quietly is Silent Sid followed by Big Barf and Fwoar….and Rumble Tum reaches the first of the four tents. He grabs a bowl of baked beans with the rest tucking in right behind him……and it’s Rumble Tum with the first to show as the fart bag expands behind him. Big Barf looks like he’s saving it up for later but Double Bubble looks like he’s about to trump into the lead. Silent Sid tries sneak one in and there’s a disappointing no-show from Fwoar….and now it’s Double Bubble waddling his way to the next tent followed quickly by the others.

This next tent is a tricky one and the competitors will need to hold themselves together in order to eat a large portion of brussel sprouts. Brussels, of course, have been well known as a good source of the windies and after a plate of beans we should expect to see some pretty good results. The danger here, of course, is the large fibre content and they will have to make sure that they don’t suffer the old ‘whump & dump’. Double Bubble makes it to the brussel sprout tent and is chomping at the bit. Next to greet the greens is Big Barf, whose had little to show so far but looks fit to burst, Rumble Tum…ooh Rumble Tum has stalled! Wait a minute….he’s cocked his leg…and yes! We have an audible confirmation that Rumble Tum is by no means out of the race. Silent Sid is third with a modest contribution and there is still nothing doing with Fwoar.

Out they come from the sprout tent and It’s a just short run to the next one, which is the beer tent; a favourite farting ground for many a would-be Grunt Nationalist. Now here our competitors have a choice between lager and real ale. Double Bubble cocks his leg once…then twice…and it’s a double bubble from Double Bubble as Rumble Tum takes the advantage and Rumbles past. Silent Sid skids past with a growing fart bag hanging behind him and these bags will indeed become a cumbersome obstacle towards the finish line. Big Barf has had a disappointing display so far but the sweat is really starting to build up on his face. Last, but not to be discounted yet, is Fwoar.

Into the beer tent they go….and Rumble Tum dives straight into the Lager. Bringing up the rear is Double Bubble. Silent Sid, Big Barf and Fwoar hit the real ale. They’re really putting it away and we know that anything can happen in the final stages of this exciting race…And it’s allll starting to happen now! Big Barf has let a huge one go! Big Barf, who grit his teeth together has been holding onto it all through the race so far and he’s now cubic centimetres ahead of Rumble Tum and Double Bubble. Silent Sid is squeezing for all he’s worth and Double Bubble is letting them off in pairs. Fwoar downs his seventh pint of real ale but has yet to show signs of talking through his arse….and away they go, staggering in a disorderly fashion to the final tent. And as everybody knows, after the beers come the inevitable chicken vindaloo! (Chicken Vindaloo sponsored by Ghandi’s Revenge, where the hottest spot in town is your rectum!) Fwoar is the first away with little volume to carry he should get there skid marks ahead of everyone else. Double Bubble, Rumble Tum and Silent Sid wobble unsteadily close behind…little to choose between these three….and Big Barf has dropped another wapper! He may be last in the field but he’s had plenty to say for himself and should be in with a shout of a place. In they go to the Curry tent and it’s vindaloos all round with popadoms, bombay alloo, plenty of mango chutney and more lager!

…and things are really beginning to hot up now. Silent Sid has got one corner of the tent to himself with a deadly display of his smelly talents. That one certainly took the others by surprise and he looks like catching up with Big Barf….But wait a minute! Rumble Tum is letting go the longest trump of the championship so far! 14 seconds of pure melodic helium lights up the tent with renewed competition. The fart bags are beginning to show signs of stretching to their capacity now as Double Bubble lets rip a tattoo of rectal raspberries. There’s nothing much to choose between the front runners now...but…hold on to your brown hats!…..Fwoar!!

YES it’s Fwoar with an almighty composition of sound and smell. He’s ripped a hole in his shorts with that one and the others are stagerred from the after smell! He really popped a corker of a fart and everyone downwind in stands is shouting FWOAR! ….and Fwoar has made a mad dash for the line with an enormous fart bag billowing in his wake. Big Barf is the first to react and drops a casual calling card on his way out of the curry tent. Silent Sid is doing his best but he’s up against the big boys today! Rumble Tum seems to be all but out of rumble and Double Bubble is working overtime to stay in the competition….

...And It’s Fwoar now! Fwoar from Big Barf. Big Barf and Fwaor, the sound is deafening and it smells bloody awful, but it’s Fwoar in front definitely by a nose AND WE HAVE A FALLER! YES IT’S BIG BARF WITH A FOLLOW THROUGH! BIG BARF HAS DROPPED A SOLID AND WILL MOST CERTAINLY BE DISQUALIFIED FOR NOT CARRYING HIS PROPER WEIGHT…..AND NOW IT’S SILENT SID WITH A LATE RUN! AND BY GOD IT’S RUNNY, PROBABLY PROVOKED BY THE VINDALOO BUT THERE’S LIKELY TO BE A STEWARDS INQUIRY AS TO WHETHER IT COUNTS AS A FALL….SILENT SID SHITTING HIMSELF FOR ALL HE’S WORTH TO STRIKE THE FRONT BUT HE’S LEAVING IT ALL FROM HIS BEHIND NOW AS FWOAR INCREASES THE PRESSURE…

.AND AS THEY APPROACH THE FINISH LINE..IT’S FWOAR, FARTING THE LAST MOLECULE OF HELIUM HE CAN MUSTER WITH HIS FART BAG ALMOST LIFTING HIM FROM THE GROUND. RUMBLE TUM TRUMPS HIS LAST GASP AS FWOAR FLOATS ACCROSS THE FINISH LINE. IT LOOKS LIKE…YES! IT’S FWOAR THE WINNER…FROM RUMBLE TUM SECOND, SILENT SID THIRD, DOUBLE BUBBLE A DISSAPOINTING FOURTH AND FINALLY THE WORLD HAS FALLEN OUT OF THE BOTTOM OF BIG BARF!