A ten minute play by Bill Johnson.

(permission from author required
for production)

CAST:

FRED: Unexpressive face, ordinary
body.

MURIEL: Fading hot house flower who
wears a tight blouse, short skirt,
and heels.

SET: Chair with an envelope on a
small table. A tall mirror stands
by an entrance to the set so that
someone facing the mirror would be
seen by the audience.

AT OPEN:

FRED sits in a chair in a dark
room. He's dressed in casual
clothes, his arm is in a sling, he
has a black eye. Near his chair an
envelope is on a small table.

(MURIEL enters, turning on a light.
She stops to admire herself in the
mirror.)

MURIEL
I'm late, there's a red ferrari double-parked out front.

FRED
Fire engine red.

MURIEL
I keyed it. Teach the rich bastard.

(She steps into the same space as
Fred, sees that he's battered. She
rushes toward him.)

MURIEL
Oh, my god, what happened?

(He holds out a hand.)

FRED
God spoke to me this morning.

MURIEL
You got the money from someone named God?

FRED
No, the God.

(Muriel studies Fred.)

MURIEL
Okay, you had a spiritual experience. That's wonderful, and I
want to hear all about it, but first...

FRED
We used to talk about spiritual stuff for hours.

MURIEL
...and we will again, just as soon as I know you have the
money. The money will allow us to have the spiritual life
we've always wanted.

FRED
I didn't get the money.

MURIEL
I knew I shouldn't have ...

FRED
I got a cashier's check.

MURIEL
...gone with you. Where is it?

FRED
That's what I have to explain.

(Muriel pauses, shifts gears.)

MURIEL
I understand. This is important. What did God say?

FRED
He told me I needed to get straight with Him, and I could do
that by serving humanity.

MURIEL
That's wonderful. We can serve humanity together.

FRED
That's what I knew you'd say, but...

(Her cell phone rings.)

MURIEL
I need to answer that.

(She steps away, takes out a cell
phone.)

FRED
...where do you cash a check for $200,000 in an airport?

MURIEL
(into cell)
I need to call you back.

(Muriel turns away to put back on
the beautific smile.)

MURIEL
Now Fred, tell me exactly what you did after God spoke to
you.

FRED
Did you know that three million people have died from hunger
in the civil war in the Congo? I thought that if I could use
the money to buy Whoppers from Burger King, charter a plane,
and fly them to the Congo, I could feed thousands of people,
and I was sure others would follow my example. And if Burger
King wouldn't do it, I could threaten to go to McDonald's.

MURIEL
You spent the money on hamburgers? Seriously, are you trying
to give all those people in the Congo bad karma? Hello?
Have you heard of Mad Cow Disease?

FRED
I didn't think about that, but as I was talking to the Burger
King manager, the McDonald's manager came over, then this
heavy-set lady who managed the Cinabon place decided they
should get the order. All of a sudden, these three managers
are throwing punches and airport security shows up and I was
dragged to a holding cell and interrogated. I tried to
explain to them about getting straight with God by serving
humanity, but...

MURIEL
Did you tell them about the check?

FRED
No, I left it on a table at Burger King. When I got back a
security guard from Nigeria was looking at it. We started
talking and he told me that God wanted me to go with him and
give the money to a church to train street kids to do
telemarketing because churches are exempted from the do-not-
call list.

(Muriel turns away, swears silently,
then speaks in a business- like
voice.)

MURIEL
I get it. You're trying to find a way to give some of the
money to charity to cover the tax liability. The good news
is, I have someone coming over to deal with that, an
accountant, Jeff, we met him at Lilith's party.

FRED
Jeff, the Viking in a past life?

MURIEL
No, the other Jeff.

FRED
The Roman Centurion?

MURIEL
No, the other one.

FRED
The Mogul Prince?

MURIEL
The Mongol Prince, the one who channeled me and told me I was
the Queen of Sheba.

FRED
Oh, the one with the fast hands.

MURIEL
That was just your imagination.

FRED
And his hand prints all over your chest.

MURIEL
He's a gifted healer; he had to touch my heart chakras; it
wasn't personal. Now give me the name of this church.

FRED
I never got to the church. When we pulled up, a kid with a
gun tried to rob us...

MURIEL
Holly shit, did they get the check?

FRED
Not they, the kid. When he grabbed the check, the strangest
thing happened. A rainbow came down from the sky and landed
right on him. He tried to get out under it, but that rainbow
followed him everywhere. He started shooting at it, and
accidentally shot the man from Nigeria, then shot me when I
grabbed for the check.

(Fred raises his arm in a sling.)

MURIEL
Tell me you got it?

FRED
Yes I got it, all right...

MURIEL
Yes!

(She does a little jig.)

FRED
...but I couldn't drive, so I flagged a cab. While I was in
the cab, God showed me a vision of my daughter and I realized
I was supposed to use the money to take care of my family.

MURIEL
Not Bobby-Jo.

FRED
Yes. I told her I wanted to use the money to give her half
of my liver since she ruined hers using contaminated needles.

(Muriel turns away. When she turns
back, she's in June Cleaver mode.)

MURIEL
Why didn't you call me first for my advice, dear?

FRED
Because you're not her mother.

MURIEL
How can you not think of me as her mother, after the years
I've spent listening to you talk about her problems?

FRED
Well, when I called Bobby-Jo, she got it in her head that I
was going to use the money to buy needles and methadone for
everyone at the rehab clinic. By the time I got there, dozens
of street people were waiting.

MURIEL
Don't tell me you gave the money to your drug addict daughter
and those animals she calls her friends?

FRED
I tried to tell Bobby-Jo I only wanted to give her half of my
liver, but she wanted Methadone instead, and people started
screaming about what I'd promised them, and they were Bobby-
Jo's family, and who was I to steal that money from them?

MURIEL
And you gave them the check?

FRED
I didn't want to, but that's when I got stabbed...

(Fred points to a bloody bandage
over his stomach.)

FRED
...and I figured someone was going to do a liver transplant
on the sidewalk if I didn't give it to them.

MURIEL
Oh, this is too much.

FRED
That's when I got struck by lightning!

MURIEL
Struck by lightning?

FRED
Yes, and all the people hanging onto me were blown across the
street. So I got away with the check.

MURIEL
God is watching over us!

FRED
That's when I realized that if giving the money away was
going to get me straight with God, I should give the money to
you.

(Muriel smiles seductively and sits
on Fred's lap.)

MURIEL
Yes! Then I can take care of your needs.

(Muriel kisses Fred passionately
until her cell phone rings.)

MURIEL
That's Jeff. I'll tell him to come right over and get the
check.

(She looks inside the envelope.)

MURIEL
Where is it?

(She holds up the empty envelope.
Her cell phone continues to ring.)

FRED
It's parked outside.

MURIEL
You used our money to buy a Ferrari?

FRED
Not all of it. I have plenty left.

MURIEL
YOU have plenty left? What about me? Us?

FRED
I thought of it as payback.

MURIEL
For what?

FRED
For the money I put out for every idea you had to get rich,
then telling me each plan failed because of my negative
vibrations, or I didn't word the affirmation correctly, or...

MURIEL
But don't you see, we got the money! And it wouldn't have
happened if you hadn't done what I told you.

FRED
Yes, hiring some quack you met at a party to put enough botox
in my face to paralyze King Kong's butt because that's what
Jeff the Viking...

MURIEL
Mongol Prince!

FRED
...had done, and ending up with an insurance settlement you
want to use to set up a foundation to help reptiles gain
enlightenment.

MURIEL
There are reptile people on this planet as we speak, and
human children need to learn to speak their language.

(Fred touches his unexpressive face.)

FRED
King Kong's probably going to show up any minute and want his
butt back, and take the Ferrari, too.

(Muriel smiles, then laughs.

Fred laughs, too.

Muriel steps forward and hugs Fred.)

MURIEL
We've worked through some rough times, and we've always been
able to laugh together. Give me the car keys and I'll take it
back.

FRED
You have given me a lifetime of funny stories in two years.
And some great sex.

MURIEL
Oh, stop kidding around. It wasn't that great, was it?

FRED
You're a pro, Muriel.

(Muriel steps back.)

MURIEL
A pro?

(Fred stands.)

FRED
And so am I now.

( Fred slips his arm from the sling.)

FRED
I made up those stories to show you what it's like to have to
believe every story you told if I wanted to be with you.

MURIEL
I never lied to you.

FRED
You didn't have to. I lied to myself. And I stayed until I
stopped believing my own lies. And now it's time to get off the
merry-go-round and get straight with myself.

(He leans forward to kiss her
forehead, but she jerks back.)

MURIEL
I knew you were going to betray me. Go ahead, spend all the
money to buy yourself a family or some silly car that will
make you feel young again for a few hours. Without me, you're
nothing.

(Fred goes to the door.)

FRED
Not quite. I'm the guy with the fire engine red Ferrari.

(He exits.)

(Muriel's face turns blank, then she
cries, then she looks up.)

MURIEL
It's all your fault. Why did you have to interfere. Your son
got what he deserved!

(She cries.)

MURIEL
All men deserve to die!

(Her cell phone rings. She answers.)

MURIEL
Hello?
(crying)
You have to come right now, everything you told me about Fred
is true . He's a selfish monster. Oh, why didn't I listen to
you.
(beat)
The money? Fred took it... No, I got it from him.
(beat)
Yes, I have the money.

(She ends the connection. Sits in
the chair.)

(Lights fade as Muriel cycles
through different faces, ending in
tears.)

MURIEL
Fred, aren't I your sexy girl? Your tough mama. Your business
partner? Your Queen of Sheba? Fred?

END