Become a Fan
He never understands me
By Koty Lapid
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
Rated "R" by the Author.
Copyright © 2006 By Koty Lapid. It is a story about an abused woman. Some of my writer fellows suggested to me to change the title to something more expressive than my previous title was. I accepted the suggestion and changed the title. The previous title was: When I try to explain my point... The whole title of the work was: When I try explain my point and I would like to get some understanding.
She presses “K” and her word processor inserts a “W”. She presses “K” again and now the program inserts a “G”. She becomes restless. That little knot in her stomach starts to swell. She sips her coffee and waits a minute or so, but the warmth of the swallow doesn't calm her down. Frustration creeps over her. She cannot understand why can't she insert a given letter when she presses one. Looking at the computer’s screen, she expects to find an explanation, but nothing comes to her. "These keys are screwed," she mutters. She lingers for some minutes and then she presses “K” again with a little hope in her heart that this time the program inserts a “K”. No. On the screen appears a "J".
She stands up and heads to the window. While walking she feels like little ants are climbing on her leg. No, she hasn’t lost control over her computer - she calms herself. While looking through the window, she racks her brain for at least one explanation, but nothing comes to mind. She sighs and sits back in her comfortable chair. She continue to use her word processor that gives her strange results. She won't blame herself. After all she didn't do anything wrong. She knows how to use a program that behaves, as it should. Deep in her heart she knows that it isn't fair that she has to struggle with that strangely behaving tool. She has the right to use a normal word processor. She paid for it. She legally owns it.
Struggling with the program long enough, she turns to Peter, her partner, the love of her life, to get some nice words to soothe her frustration. "Sweetheart, please help me. My word processor is doing strange things." She explains.
Peter sniffs and rolls his eyes. "I paid good money for that word processor. There's nothing wrong with it. But there is something wrong with you. You're a complete idiot and you just have no idea how to use that machine. So stop whining, read the manual and stop disturbing me. Can't you see I'm busy?"
She still hopes that maybe Peter doesn't get what she says to him, because she doesn't explain herself clearly enough. She gives it another try and reminds him all the jobs that she have typed for him during the years they have been living together, his answer is:
"You always think that you know everything."
At that point she chooses to shut her mouth. She decides there isn't any point to continue with her explanations. After a while the deep aching in her heart subsides as she reasons out his words, and slowly she forgives him for hurting her. But she starts to contemplate about Peter’s behavior. She starts to ask herself why her love couldn't see what she sees. During the years they have been living together she's always used that program. Why wouldn't he ask what's wrong with it?
Knowing that her partner doesn't have the knowledge to fix her broken word processor, she tries to find a knowledgeable person who can fix it. She goes to the neighborhood's computer repair shop. She asks the owner if he knows how to fix her problem. He nods and she hands him her computer. The quiet man takes it to the back of his store where a little table is situated. He fiddles with the keyboard for some moments and then tells her that it is fixed. She is invited to try out the program, which she does. The woman starts to type, and with each keystroke she becomes happier and happier. Her program works, as it should.
While she is typing, that computer technician tells her that the cause of her word processor problem is that something altered it. The tech tells her also about a mischievous programmer who devised a little virus that is capable of changing the codes of a word processor. And when the virus sits tight in a word processor the program randomly associates keys with letters. That programmer put the little 'virus' on the Internet, and any unaware surfer can download it. The computer technician muses that it's probably what happened to her. Whistling to himself, the technician pushes his glasses higher on his nose and then advises to her not to use the Internet with her computer. He sells her a cheap little computer just for the use of the Internet.
Two days after the computer guy fixed her program; once again she has problems with it. She is confused. She stopped surfing the Internet with that computer. For that she uses the new cheap computer that the tech guy sold to her. So what is going on? She tells her partner that she is going to take her computer to that computer guy who fixed her problem. Peter doesn’t allow her to take it to that guy. She cannot convince him that she needs to take her computer to that guy. She gets frustrated. And sad.
She calls the computer tech to tell him that she is having problems with her word processor again. She also tells him that she isn't using her computer for surfing the Internet and that she has done exactly what he advised her. No joy. That convinces him somebody has manually installed the virus. Worst of all, he tells her that she can't remove the virus by herself. She has to return the computer to his shop. But her partner won't let her.
So she has no choice. She tries to work with the corrupted program. She feels sad and powerless. In a perfect world, she would have a perfect word processor. In a perfect world, somebody would help her. While continuing struggling with the program, she gets confused and remembers what the tech guy told her. “Why would somebody alter my word processor” She asks herself. She cannot find the answer alone. She shares her confusion with her partner. Peter gives her a 'look' that asks: “Are you crazy or what”. In her head, she hears the words as clearly as if he'd spoken them out loud, and they hurt just as much.
Of course his look hurts her. She once again expected some compassion. Some understanding. But she still forgives him for not consoling her, for not understanding her. But she doesn’t believe him; she knows that she isn’t crazy. But she is very disappointed. She starts to believe the tech, who told her that she had some problems with her word processor, because it has been altered. Remembering the tech's words makes her confident. In her eyes the tech words are a proof that she knows how to use a correctly working word processor. She knows her strength. She doesn't know how to use a broken tool. She knows her weakness. She also knows, that somebody altered her program. She isn’t an expert for finding out those people who alter word processors. She doesn't find herself crazy for not being an expert for catching crooks.
After all this reasoning, she starts to become frustrated not just with her word processor but with Peter as well. He's an intelligent person and she can't understand why he wouldn't ask the question of who altered her word processor. She is also aware to the fact that even in a not so perfect world most of the people work with a normal word processor. So she knows that asking questions about viruses that alters word processors would raise some eyebrows. But Peter isn't just an average person. He is her Peter. And she already told Peter that computer guy told her that somebody altered her word processor. So, she doesn’t understand why her love, doesn't ask the right question. If he would ask the right question, she wouldn't get frustrated with herself.
Although she is very upset and sad, she continues to work. It takes hours to complete a five minutes work. She is a writer. She sells her work by pages. With that broken word processor she can produce very few pages. She can sell just very few pages. She has a very low income. She gets scared. She asks herself: 'How can I buy the basics with my very low income?’ But because her partner loves her, he doesn't mind that she has a very low income. He gives her money to live a very low quality life. She has something to eat.
Every now and then when she is working with her broken tool, her love comes and sits next to her and tells her, “What a stupid lady you are! You still don't know how to use it!” She remains silent. This time his words hurt her much more than before. After all by that time her partner has to know that the problem not with her. So, why would he tell her all those nasty things? Also, she is very hungry. This week her partner hasn’t given her money to buy food.
It seems to her that when she is very hungry, she does care what he says to her. After all as so many other women, she isn’t abuse-proof. And she asks herself: " What did I do wrong?"
Some days later she becomes optimistic again. She tells herself: if I would have lived in a perfect world, then I would have the opportunity to use an undamaged application. And then, I wouldn't have blame myself because it was a regular, properly functioning tool. And I wouldn't blame myself, because my partner would be a loving, caring and compassionate person.
She continues to hope for a perfect world.
The other day, while surfing the Internet I found a quote from: Meaning From Madness by Richard Skerritt. It was a description of a domestic abusing situation. That quote inspired me to wrote this work.
You can find the quote at:
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|Reviewed by Koty Lapid
|Thank you for reading my work. If I may ask if you would like to do something against domestic economic abuse please go to the site:
and vote against domestic economic abuse. Thank you, Koty