Only jocks succeed at school.

If you wanted to be popular at school, you had to be good at games. Luckily, I’ve always been sporty. At my first school, we used to do high jump in the summer and I once jumped so high, the games teacher ran out of holes on the poles for my next jump. I think that was my finest hour in sport. I enjoyed swimming, and even though I was unable to do the crawl and did breaststroke, I was always in the fast lane and God help anyone who got in my way. I might not have been the fastest swimmer in the school, but I was always picked for the school’s diving team. Not because I was a graceful diver, but because I had a secret weapon. I’ve got double-jointed arms, which meant I could never have been a ballet dancer, not that I ever wanted to be one.

Having funny looking arms came in very useful when I dived. I would climb up onto the diving board, slowly lift my arms up high above my head and pause for effect. Everyone would gasp with horror, and the judges were always so disturbed at the sight of my peculiar looking arms, they looked away, not seeing me bellyflop into the pool. I always got top marks.

I hated hockey because I was no good at it, but lacrosse was what I lived for. What a shame I never played it after I left school, but the lacrosse moves now come in very handy when I weave through the crowds on densely populated city streets. When I was at school, we didn’t wear head shields when we played team sport. Mum was terrified I would get my teeth knocked out, and insisted I wore a gum shield when I played lacrosse, because she didn’t fancy paying a fortune at the dentist. I refused to wear one, as I didn’t want to be considered a sissy, but nobody ever broke my teeth or my nose. However, I broke several noses and cracked opponents’ heads as I charged around the field, like I was a crazed foot soldier on the battlefield. I even dislodged one girl’s row of teeth, poor goblin. She had frizzy hair and was stunted. Needless to say, she was useless at games and was the most unpopular girl at school. There she was, standing open mouthed in front of the goal, and I charged towards her and flung the ball out of my lacrosse stick. What a goal! The ball zoomed straight into her mouth. She wasn't wearing her gum shield, so looked even more grotesque after she had her false teeth fitted.

If I had dreamt about algebra equations instead of lacrosse, I might have done better in the dreaded Maths. But, I used to get such a thrill when I heard the headmistress read my name out aloud after morning prayers, when she was laboriously announcing the teams. But the main bonus of playing in the school team was when you went to other schools to play, and devoured their fancy teas afterwards. All we got for tea at school was white, stale bread and mouldy jam. I always used to be ravenous after playing games, and once devoured an entire loaf for tea. Yes, my first love was lacrosse and I’ve still got my lacrosse stick to prove it.

Copyright: Frances Lynn, 2006