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A Day in the Old Life: We Were Really Married to Meth
By Jeanne SparksCarreker
Sunday, March 04, 2007
Rated "PG13" by the Author.
Testimonial type short story of our battle with drugs.
Though there are many different ways to hurt your loved ones while addicted to Crystal Meth, a loving family can forgive when there is sincerity present. However, the deteriorating nature of a long-term, chronic Crystal Meth user becomes such that true healing and closure may never come for some wounds. A similar situation would be having just watched an extremely graphic horror movie depicting suffering (or something in which you normally would or could not watch), only to reconsider the choice all too late. Just as there were images depicted in that regretfully viewed horror movie that you may never "un-see," there are emotionally detrimental words exchanged during heated arguments or actions decided upon selfishly that you cannot "un-say, "un-hear," or "undo." The truly selfless act of honestly forgiving another person surely must be an action that communicates pure love as it was intended to be expressed. Unfortunately, however, sincerely forgiving someone for a wrong that was committed against you does not always heal the pain associated with the wrongful action.
Accordingly, Crystal Meth builds a file room for all the unfortunate events to be stored and researched at will. Truly, this substance creates another person, if you will, who resides within the user. That person grows very large, much stronger and bigger and heavier in personality and desperateness and strangeness that is so different from the original person. "The Other" comes out and says things which would have shocked the former person. The person who once was there would never even know that those words could be strung together in such a hurtful amalgam of malice. The levels of sheer anger and adrenaline felt when the temper rises to that unbelievable point must be met with an outburst of feeling-emotion-rage which sounds like pure hatred. It is when these irrational, highly emotional, fatigued-but-roaring-through-the-night instances occur that the following two things take place:
First, seemingly irreparable damage is caused to a relationship. Before either person can realize and adequately rephrase their hasty words, tempers are hurled out of control and the exchange of malicious anger sends blows to each of their hearts - blows that they never knew were possible before acquiring a drug addiction. If the relationship can be repaired after such emotionally violent exchanges, there will always be a "difference" felt between them. Something has changed. Second, the agonizing guilt they must then survive after the anger dwindles is breathtaking. The whole routine could be aptly called"The Circle of High," due to the fact that a Crystal Meth user then has the desire to escape the reality of the pain. Consequently, the users carry out their preferred rituals of getting high, probably go too long with no sleep again, become moody and short-tempered due to the lack of sleep and general nourishment, deeply hurt each other's core, the result of which is the drive to escape even more, forever thereafter, repeating the cycle. The process is insane, cruel, and downright evil. It leaves a Crystal Meth user weak, hurt, and afraid more than ever before of the moment his small, clear zipper-lock-like baggie is empty. Normally by this point, he has been alienated by his family and the few real friends he had, thereby more enslaved to Crystal Meth and/or other substances, to help him blank out the haunting looks on the faces of those he emotionally wounded.
Furthermore, there is a solitary truth that I have come to believe, derived from years of watching others' actions as well as noting the changes in my own. In my opinion, every Crystal Meth user will detrimentally hurt the ones he loves the most at some point or another. True, a Crystal Meth addiction begins all laughs, cool party strobes, seemingly great social interaction that is hilarious and fun, and the ability to paint the entire house without stopping to rest. Of course, the house painting rarely is completed, due to the fact that thirty-five other projects have been started also because a Crystal Meth user becomes sidetracked so very easily. Certainly then, in the beginning, it's all white wine and roses, toasts made in honor of "Tina the Ice Fairy," and hours of endless raucous entertainment imitating "Bubba" from "Forrest Gump." Instead of "Shrimp burgah, shrimp cocktail, shrimp scampi...." it's "crystal chandelier, crystal wine glass, Crystal Gayle...." Truthfully, I still miss the comradery, whether it passes the "true friend" gauge or not. The problem is, this stage of good times and "take-a-bullet-for-you" friends does not last very long.
Obviously, one reason the fun times do not last very long is actually, in part, related to the previous prediction about every Crystal Meth user eventually hurting the ones he loves the most. The aforementioned "Other" begins to take hold more in the Crystal Meth user, pushing the original self farther away until traces of the former person cannot be easily remembered. Soon, impossible scenarios begin to seem logical, albeit real to the user, as the mental effects of using Crystal Meth not only take hold, but make a tighter grip. Things begin to have a delusory edge at times. Something is triggered one night at a party, perhaps. A phone number the user overhears being relayed to someone standing close by sounds familiar, though it really has never been heard before. Coincidentally and unfortunately, at the exact instant the familiarity for the phone number situates in the mind and begins to be rolled around to see if any clear links can be applied to the number, the user's Significant Other cocks his head to the left a bit. Maybe he did this in order to take a drag from something being passed around the room; maybe he was just feigning interest in a nearby topic; maybe he didn't even hear the number being relayed at all, and was simply trying to get a solid look at what had seemed to be a bright, constantly shining light like the sun over his head all night long because he had also taken a hit of roll that evening. The way the user is beginning to perceive reality, however, causes a small knot to form in her stomach. All the ideas and imaginative speculation currently being filed under "What's REALLY Going On?!?" was just rocketed forward about 2 miles, on the Crystal Meth Locomotive of Conspiracies and Downright Lies. This fast moving, slamming, crushing force of mental misunderstanding quickly begins to connect links in fast attempt to form the solving of a puzzle which had never been, was never created anyway, and in the very least, had never been pieced apart.
In those first few seconds of what many Crystal Meth users call "wigging out, freaking out, being spun out, sketching out, or tripping out," the user does not only assume but believes that her Significant Other also recognized the relayed phone number. She believes that his sudden attention was drawn to the number because it was familiar to him as well. Fast forwarding at a quick pace now, why was it familiar to the Significant Other? Because the Significant Other had been going behind her back and secretly calling the person who owns that number! Urgently now, that "realization" connects to the previous week's "wrong number" call to their home phone in the middle of the night when evidently the wrong person ("Oh no! A woman answered instead of him! Hang up!") answered the phone! Couple that with the brief whiff of what could have been perfume on the significant other's shirt the week before that (which was actually his own cologne wearing off, mixing with the end-of-a-long-workday sweat, the sense of smell becoming stronger then weaker in the Crystal Meth user at times, creating confusion where her sensory perception is concerned). Oh! And what about the strange look the Significant Other made in the department store that time when that Unknown Woman started to wave at him, but then realized that he was actually not the acquaintance from the office who she thought she had begun to greet? Now it is becoming crystal-clear in the Loving Partner's mind! She realizes now that the Unknown Woman obviously decided against finishing the attempted "well, hellooo!" wave because she saw he was with someone. She must have thought fast and halted the (now that she thinks about it, very warm, sincere, and sexy) greeting, lest Unknown Woman bring about trouble for Significant Other. Wait . . . that Unknown Woman was carrying what could very well have been a small box in her shopping bag! This clue, mated with the brief-whiff from two weeks prior, and that damn Significant Other has been seeing Unknown Woman, who apparently had bought some titillating perfume to wear for him! More than likely, it was the same exact perfume she wore for him on the evening that the brief-whiff clue was found!
Even following the emotional exhaustion of it all, the cruelest effect of being spun out on Crystal Meth pertains to the way she begins to view him. Involuntarily keeping the angry, hurt patterns enmeshed, her memory of the once very precious countenance held in her heart's eye for so very long begins to show traces of deceptive looks. Scattered memories of innocent grins and sincerity slowly change as she realizes she was a fool for not having seen it all before. It all seems to "come together" in an answer which only raises many why did you do this or why did you react this way on that day? She will interrogate him routinely now, only realizing way too late the toll it takes on her faithful Significant Other. She inventories an evil smirk, here, an innocent laugh that could have really been mockery, there . . . .
The Locomotive barely holds to the track, rounding the corner and coming to a stop in the kitchen of the party. The Significant Other is completely dumbstruck as to the cause of his Loving Partner having suddenly looked at him so hurt, then actually sprinting to the restroom. All attempts will be useless in dissuading Loving Partner from believing the truth Significant Other proclaims. Because he regretfully called the whole shebang "ridiculous," Loving Partner thinks he sees her as ridiculous now that she has been drawing comparisons between herself and pretty Unknown Woman With The Sexy Half-Greet every since the revelation of the affair came to light. For no certain future expanse of time, his attempts to talk about "her confusion" will be met with speculation, suspicion, and investigation. More regretfully expressed opinions from Significant Other always results in her wrath:
Statement:"Honey, I think you need help."
Interpretation:."I need to get rid of you for a couple of weeks so I can be with Unknown Woman a little while."
Statement: "Baby, I think it's the stuff . . . why don't we slow down some?"
Interpretation:"Unknown Woman likes to burn one sometimes, too! I need to save some to party on for when we secretly meet. So slow down on how much you use so I can afford to give her more."
The delusion has just become so real for Loving Partner. As time goes by, more "connections" are mismated. Eventually, the Loving Partner, believing she is being betrayed in an evil, cruel manner, will act out in what she firmly believes to be self-defense. She decides that Significant Other must apparently desire to "have his cake and eat it too," adamantly refusing her a confession of the heart-wrenching betrayals. She will truly believe beyond a shadow of any doubt that she is being systematically and repeatedly lied to . . . unless she stops using Crystal Meth. Sometimes getting a good night's rest helps put things into better focus. however, once a certain point is reached, or perhaps the combination of a little too much dope while being in a state of Ketosis physically, is reached again, another trigger of some sort somewhere will begin waves of possibilities.
Sadly, the malice exchanged between the two will become seemingly unforgivable. While Loving Partner fully believes she is definitely being lied to, Significant Other believes his Loving Partner is merely acting as if she thinks she is being lied to. Obviously, she must be pretending to be confused, accusing him of adultery in order to keep the secret that she really had the affair. Why else would she be so firm in her beliefs about his supposed infidelity?
The emotional roller coaster they both have to endure then can become so horrible, so very emotionally detrimental. The Loving Partner or the Significant Other may entertain suicidal thoughts during these long clashes, never knowing that all the unfortunate, deeply depressing pain is in fact due to absolutely nothing that they wanted for each other.
Crystal Meth kills. It can take hold of a grand, beautiful Something, so much more wonderful than even that very first hit's high, and grip harder, squeeze harder, and drain more and more from it, until that grand, beautiful Something becomes absolutely Nothing . . . . And over absolutely Nothing.
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