A little girls thoughts about God....

Thoughts of an Angel

            Lily lay in her bed quietly humming along with the stereo, trying to drown out the sound of her mother’s voice as she ridiculed her father.  The stereo continued to play the same song over and over again, which was a common practice in Lily’s house when her mother had had too much to drink.  This time it was an old Bobby Vinton song, and although Lily couldn’t understand most of the words, she was able to make out part of the chorus.  “You take me half way to paradise,” she heard the man sing, and then there was something else about heaven.  Those few words fascinated her.  Paradise…that’s where God lived.  At least that’s what Mrs. Givens had told them in Sunday school.  So, in her five-year-old mind, she imagined it to be a song about Heaven. 

            As Lily lay there twirling her long brown curls around her finger, she heard what she imagined to be the sound of a glass crash to the floor.  And as much as it frightened her, it also gave her a sense of relief. She had heard enough of these arguments to know that once her mother had broken something, her father quickly retreated upstairs and headed for bed.  That’s when Lily’s mother would go take a bath before passing out on the sofa.  True to form, that’s how it went, except this time, as Lily’s father pounded up the stairs, her mother screamed after him.

            “If it weren’t for Lily I’d leave so fast your head would spin!  Instead, I have to stay here and live this miserable life that you've given me.  Why did I ever let you talk me into having kids!”

              The door to Lily’s room was left partway open, and she watched through squinted eyes as her mother staggered through the living room. The slamming of the bathroom door caused her to jump.

            As Lily cried softly, she held onto her stuffed bunny tightly, and slowly drifted off to sleep.  Minutes later, she woke up to the sound of her mother knocking over a bottle while trying to pour herself one last drink.  Lily watched as her mother drank the translucent liquid quickly, and then threw herself down on the sofa.

            Clutching her bunny, she quietly walked into the living room to where her mother already lay sleeping.  “Mommy?”  She half whispered.  “Mommy?”  This time she said it a bit louder, gently touching her mother’s shoulder.  “You left the music on.”

            Lily’s mother barely opened her eyes, and blurted a slur of words.

            “Mommy, I’m sorry, but you left the music on.”

            Lifting her head from the arm of the sofa, Lily’s mother looked at her with seething eyes.  “Leave me alone and get the fuck to bed you little pain in the ass.”  Lily jumped back at the sound of her voice, but was relieved when her mother simply turned on her side and quickly fell back to sleep.

            Lily quietly walked over to the entertainment center to turn off the stereo, but was unable to reach, as it sat too high on the shelf.  Deciding to wake up her father, she quietly went up the stairs.  As she opened the door to her parent’s bedroom, she scrunched up her nose at the sour smell that filled the room.  Lily stood over her father as he lay sleeping, but quickly changed her mind about waking him, when she noticed a half-empty bottle sitting on the nightstand next to the bed. 

            As she turned to go back downstairs to her room, she caught site of the moon shining brightly through the glass sliding doors that led out to her parent’s balcony.  Noticing the door was left slightly open, she stepped out onto the balcony and hoisted herself up onto a small redwood table.

            “Look at all the stars, Petey!  There must be gillions of them,” she said clutching her bunny.  “Mrs. Givens said that God made the stars, and only He knows for sure how many there really are.”  Lily faintly heard the music from the living room as it flowed up the stairs and out onto the balcony.  “He lives in Paradise you know, just like that man’s singing about.”  Referring to the song made her thoughts turn to her mother, and she immediately began to cry.

            “Petey, I don’t think Mommy loves me anymore,” she whispered, holding her bunny under her chin.  “I heard the things she said to Daddy tonight.”  Sobbing softly, she dried her eyes with Petey’s ears and took a deep breath. “We need to be quiet.  We don’t want to wake up Daddy.”

            Looking up at the stars again, she smiled broadly.  “Mrs. Givens said that God’s our father, and that we’re His children.  And she said that God has angels for helpers.”  Lily pushed back, and then stood up on the table.  “I’ve seen pictures of them.  They’re in my Sunday school book.  They have big white wings so they can fly.  A long time ago, Daddy used to call me his little angel, but not so much anymore,” she said, her smile fading a little.  “I wish I could fly, Petey.  If I could, I’d fly all the way up to those stars, cause I think that’s where God lives.”  Lily yawned and rubbed Petey’s ears gently against her cheek.  “I’m tired Petey.  We’d better go to bed now.”

            As Lily turned to jump down from the table, she was startled by her father’s voice coming from inside the bedroom.  “Lily!  Jesus Christ, get down from there!”

            “Daddy! I was just looking at the stars with Petey.” 

            “Oh my God!”  Lily’s father ran out onto the balcony.  “Lily, my angel!”

            Those were the last words Lily heard that night as she lost her balance and fell to the patio below.  That was the day God granted Lily her wings.