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An unpublished story about an Italian-American's discovery that her personal appearance had been altered while she was under anesthesia. The story was "inspired" by the death of my grandmother.
Hit the "Download this Story" button above to read the complete story.
Excerpt: And now Angelina was regaining consciousness. She had the vague sense she was lying in bed and that the lights were on. She tried to focus on shapes moving about the room, but her eyeballs kept fluttering up under the lids and back out. Finally, she recognized Teresina and Michele. They were standing beside her but seemed so far away. Her vision blurred considerably again, her whole head buzzing from the sound she realized was her pulse beating like depth charges. Her mouth opened and closed as she strained to reach upward. "Oh, Terigo," she tried to say, "I can't fly, I can’t fly…."
Hit the "Download This Story" button above to read the complete story.
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Site: The Second Tour
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| Reviewed by alex dihes (алик дайхес) |
9/5/2008 |
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my take with a desire to help.
the story did not lure into your world (yet i will).
i am sure you are not sure what is it you want to render to me. in the story a woman dies because cut off hair. you dont justify this strong finale. if the hair is a token of LOVE it is a beautiful justification. yet you didnot show it. terigo (husband?) was one of many men in her life. if it is not your point, i dont know what. the length of the hair by itself? too weak.
iwould: throw away all the unnecessary conversations and chorces; empphasized the STRENGTH of her feeling to terigo, where her hair was a token of LOVE (LOVE!!!!!) and the sense of her life. having lost the hair she lost the desire to live.
am i wrong.
have no time for a longer and thorough critique.
the language is good, the narrative and style is good. vernacular italian rendered thru broken english is distastful: you better write in italian and give traslation in a footnote, like lev tolstoy did.
persevere |
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