|
|
See intro and a properly formatted version -- more-'r-less -- under Articles & News. Ah'm tard! ;-1
This is Your Lucky Day
by
Euceless Liesalot
Prevaricator-in-Chief
P R Us, Inc.
711 Casino Row Atlantic City, NJ 11711
{Headquarters in Farflung Isle, Address futk&utfout}
I am about to make you very happy.
No, my name is not Tiffany Roundheels or Taut Flosstrousers.
No, I do not know how to twirl tassels with my tatas or raise a ten-inch-pole in ten seconds.
I am not an exotic dancer of either sex. (Correction, any.}
I am not a hit person. {I could learn to be a hit person if you make it worth my while.}
I am not here to inform you that you have won Big Bucks or inherited Paris {One in France or the one in Playboy.}
I do not know how you can get skinny on a diet of Sara Lee and Ben&Jerry supplemented
with {for Southerners} red-eye gravy and "bisskits" or {for non-Southerners} salted
and greased whale blubber.
I am going to make you happy by letting you in on The Secrets of Life. You will find that it is worth far more than the modest price of $199.90 plus tax, shipping and handling,
damage replacement insurance, and the $10 we add because we ain't gettin' younger and need bail. You do not have to download anything. You only have
to send a money order or certified check to the address listed at the bottom. Make sure they are valid. We would tell you what will happen if they are not, but we would have to kill you. That would spoil the fun for our henchmen. Just kidding. I know they are henchpeople.I am going to make you happy – make that ecstatic – by sharing absolutely FREE and without cost or fear of death some of the finer samples from The Secrets of Life. Prepare to be amazed. You will also be astounded, pleasantly surprised, flabbergasted, discombobulated,and knocked off your pins.
You do not need to thank me. I am only doing what The Great Honcho in the Sky
wants. His or Her command is my. . .whatever. Let's get on with it, shall we?
I have an appointment to get my nipples bleached, and it is almost time to remind
the chauffeur to warm up the Rolls.
SECRETS NUMBERS ONE THROUGH TWELVE OR SO:
Those skinny twits with the six-pack abs and overblown pecs that you see on TV are
cloned robots. The exercise machines are Styro-foam.
The Cheery Chippers shilling for shopping channels are fed a special potion that
de-grouches their vocal cords. Bad witches, every one.
Donald Trump is about to be fired.
Donald Trump is B-r-o-k-e.
Martha Stewart doesn't know how to boil water.
Martha Steward's hospital corners are crooked as an Enron jailee.
In her defense, Martha Stewart was set up to take a fall because she worked
for a living.
Cher has not had plastic surgery. It wasn't necessary because she was born plastic.
O. J. Simpson's worst crime was being O.J. Simpson. He is now a bloated version
of O.J. that goes from golf course to golf course and yacht to yacht searching
for The Real Killer.
Celery is bad for you.
The calories in chocolate have the opposite effect of regular calories. The more
chocolate you eat, the more weight you lose. Especially if sugar content is high.
Oprah Winfrey was born Calalilly Blondtress Beauregarde. Heir to a
pigs'-knuckles fortune, she fell into bad company and was robbing Rodeo
Drive shops by the time she was thirty. On the FBI's Most Wanted list,
she decided the best disguise would be to get herself colorized. She used
to have regular collagen injections, but she finally gave up trying to
keep up with the girls she ran around the magnolia with before she went black.
TO BE CONTINUED
WE'RE BACK!! THIS TIME WE HAVE AN OFFER YOU WILL NOT BE ABLE TO
REFUSE.
You don't understand. You *will* accept our *offer.* Believe me, you do not want my cousin Vinnie and Uncle Malarkey to pay you a visit. Especially since the fluffer Vinnie's tied to – uh, I mean, wife. . .did a Hoffa. Vanished, disappeared, flew the ol' cooperino. According to sources my mout'piece assures me I do not have to reveal, Fluffy pranced off with the diamond mine a n d the brothel. Witness Protection ain' cheap, y'know. Vinnie got so pissed, he traded his perfectly good arsenal for a weapon of mass destruction. [Appears that they are commoner than we think.] As for The Mick (note that P. R. Us is Family-owned and -operated, and that we are multi-ethnic and
multi-cultural and multi-national. Think of other multis, that's us. Been a lot of intermarrying. Inter-everything, get my drift. When you got your own jet you can hop on, not much of anywhere you can't go and anyone you can't do. Generally stay away from countries with unfriendly
extradition policies, otherwise the Pole's the limit.
Reminds me, the head of Security if a Pole. Name is Polskcipolsptxysa. . .oh, the hell with it. Call him Pole. Gets in a sour mood {loses on the nags, or Boy-toy dumps his ass}, Pole Dearest usually safe.
Wanna know more, show us the money.
Moolah, bread, Large, call it what you will. Pay online now. Just go to www.payordie.PRUs.biz.
Credit cards accepted? Ya kidding. Who you think invented'm?
Duh.
Stiff us, prepare to become a stiff.
We are equal opportunity hirers, so if Vinnie and Mick or The Pole ain't. . .are not. . .available,
likely to find a Saddam Hussein lookalike in your livingroom. Pol Pot or someone of that nature.
Live longer if you have satellite and one of those big-ass screens goes halfway around the room.
Got it??
Once would have said "Capice?" Anti-defamation thugs, don' wanna mess with.
[Note to Editor: Clean up the langwich. Capice? }
TO BE CONTINUED IF YOU BECOME A MEMBER. DUES JUST WENT UP, SO CHECK
THE SITE. You will be glad you join. You will be sorry if you don't. HAVE A NICE DAY. Euceless :)
|
|
|
|
Reader Reviews for
"This is Your Lucky Day by Euceless Liesalot"
|
|
|
Want to review or comment on this
short story?
Click here to login!
Need a FREE Membership?
Click here to Join!
|
| Reviewed by Debra Conklin |
10/10/2009 |
|
| This is so funny, Phyllis! I love this kind of satire, so outrageous you sometimes wonder if it's true! Thanks for the smile! |
|
|
|
|
| Reviewed by Mary Coe |
12/20/2007 |
|
| Enjoyed very much. A good write. |
|
|
|
|
| Reviewed by Dale Clark |
12/28/2006 |
|
Pea this is rich. Too good. It put a
smile on my face and got some laughs too. lol
;) Missed reading you! I've been (well let's
see what's the word for it) clueless, or energy
depleted, anyway long story and such a short time. ;) |
|
|
|
|
| Reviewed by Sandra Mushi |
7/7/2006 |
|
Lol, Pea! How much did Euceless pay you to post his for him? Lol.
God bless,
Sandie. |
|
|
|
|
| Reviewed by m j hollingshead |
7/5/2006 |
|
| nicely done |
|
|
|
|
| Reviewed by Jill Christine Carpenter |
1/25/2006 |
|
Dear Euceless,
I don't want to die, so please take my money (supposin' that I ever have any), and let me live. I will be ever so grate-full :o)
Humble Thanks for your gracious generosity in letting me partake of this wonderous bargain. I will remain eternally grate-full :o)
Yours Trewly,
Lucy Lastic |
|
|
|
|
|
|
Share
Print
Save