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Jerry Aragon Ph.D (Phunny humor Doctor)

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By Jerry Aragon Ph.D (Phunny humor Doctor)   
Rated "G" by the Author.
Last edited: Thursday, January 09, 2014
Posted: Thursday, January 09, 2014

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As a woodcarver for over 30 years, I carved over 200 different items, from a wooden octopus, which was on display at the Octupus a 14 piece Manger Set, which was sold in Santa Fe, and in Old Town in Albuquerque, New Mexico.

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I think I was pretty good at woodcarving, but I never made a living carving wood, but I made enough money to pay my expenses, such as the wood; paint, varnish, shellack, and entry-fees to shows, which I participated in over 40 shows all around the state of New Mexico. 

I had been invited to teach a woodcarving class at the University of New Mexico, but I declined, because there would probably be all these uncordinated people cutting themselves and blood spilled everywhere.  A person needs good concentration and strength to stay out of trouble with a knife.  Over the years, I cut myself pretty bad with an x-acto knife, so I didn't want to be responsible for a bunch of beginners showing me how much blood they could spill. 

When I carved the donut, I had already cut myself over a million times, so it all went with the territory.  I live on the fifth floor at the apartments where I live, and one day I was going down in the elevator, and there was a notice to the residents, that there would be a meeting about Medicare and coffee and donuts would be served.  I remembered way back when, I carved the wooden donut, and so I thought it might be interesting and FUNNY to write the story about what happened with the wooden donut. 

If I were to teach a class on woodcarving, my students would start out with a donut.  During my 30 years in woodcarving, I have carved some pretty tough pieces, including the Manger Set, as I said before; a grey owl; a snowy own; an eagle; a Roadrunner; a Giraffe; painting was tough on this one; and many human figures. 

So, the donut is about as simple as you get.  If the reader cannot carve a donut, you should not try anything else, because you might commit suicide by stabbing yourself. 

At the time, I was carving mostly redwood, which is a softwood.  I chose to carve a cake donut, and the donut would be a root beer color, and the frosting would be brown.  I cut the donut out of redwood, and used a drill for the donut-hole.  I shaped the donut, and left wood for the frosting on the top half of the wooden donut. 

I was working on the donut, when I burst into laughter, as I knew this wooden donut, was going to get my some laughs, and I knew where I would start on at work.  I went down the street to Dunkin' Donuts and got a bag and tissue for realism.  With a pencil, I outlined and drew where the frosting would be cut.  The wavy line separting the cake donut from the frosting.  I carved it all down, and took the wood that was needed out of the bottom part of the donut. 

I was laughing so much during the carving of the piece, that I almost cut myself several times.  After the piece was all carved out, I sanded the 'frosting' to make it smooth; and I took a rasp file and filed the 'cake' part of the donut, to make it look like the real cake donut. 

I took some dark brown paint for the 'frosting' and applied it to the 'frosting of the donut.  When it dried, I applied some shellack, which added a sheen to the 'frosting'.  My first VICTIM would be JoAnn, who was a secretary and worked around the corner from me. 

After everything dried, I placed the wooden donut in the bag, and placed the tissue on top of the Dunkin' Donuts bag, and I was ready to give it to JoAll, with a cup of coffee, of course.  When Monday morning came around, I stopped at the coffee maching and got JoAnn a coffee to with her donut.  When I came around the corner, I said, 'Good morning, JoAnn, I brought you a surprise...and I hope you enjoy it.  I placed the Donkin' Donuts bag and the cu[ of coffee on her desk.  And, she said, "That's so nice of you, to bring me coffee and a donut."  

I couldn't keep the laughter inside of me, so I made the visit quick. I got back around the corner and hid from view, because I knew she would murder me when she found the donut was made of wood.  After I turned the corner and got out of sight, I was still laughing, and a few minutes I went back to see how things were coming along.  I still had a BIG grin on my face, when I went around the corner, and noticed JoAnn take a healthy bite out of the wooden donut and she asked;  "How old is this donut?"

(I was laughing so hard, that my sides were killing me!)   The wooden donut was carved from redwood, (I told her) so it's probably more than 100 years old.  (ha-ha-ha-ha-ha)  

With a perplexed on her face, she asked, "This is made out of wood?" she asked she took splinters out of her mouth...(ha-ha-ha-ha-ha)

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