Did you know that these myths are the very principles used in over 90% of all relationship books and counseling programs? And finally, did you know that these myths often make matters much worse and even destroy most relationships!
1. To save your relationship you must improve communication and problem solving skills.
This approach is, by far, the most common theory endorsed by the so-called relationship experts. And, it's also the number one principle employed in over 90% of the relationship books available today! Now, having said that let me ask you a straight forward question; when you and your partner first met, did you have any trouble communicating or solving problems? Of course you didn't! So, why would you presume that you need to enhance your communication skills or that it's the cause of your failing relationship? Well, I'm not going to tell you that the cause of your relationship crisis is a lack of communication skills because it isn't. In simple terms, you don't need to learn how to communicate; you need to fix the underlying issues that caused the lack of communication! At the end of the day, no one wants to communicate with a partner when they've lost the emotional connection, and nor do they want to communicate with someone that is critical, needy, argumentative, jealous, angry, or insecure!
2. To save your relationship you must manage surface behaviors.
This approach suggests that being mindful of inappropriate behaviors that are harming a relationship is the first step in changing them. Well, let's examine that hypothesis for a moment. As an example, Cindy meets Bob, and its love at first sight! Everything is absolutely perfect. In fact, Cindy and Bob seem to be made for each other. Bob is kind, understanding, caring, compassionate, and such a loving person. Well, Cindy and Bob tie the knot in what seems to be the beginning of a fairytale love affair. But after a few years, the fairytale wanes and the nightmare begins. It turns out; Cindy had suffered from low self-esteem issues most of her life because she had grown up in a verbally abusive environment. And, as Cindy's insecurities begin to surface, she becomes less confident and requires more and more attention. She begins complaining that Bob hasn't been spending time with her or giving her the attention that he once did. Mistrust starts to set in, and soon Cindy accuses Bob of being unfaithful. Bob becomes more and more frustrated, and the relationship crisis escalates to the brink of disaster.
Now, if we follow the mainstream approach above, Cindy would be directed to manage her mistrust, neediness, and fear by making a cognitive effort to change her behavior! In my opinion, this is an arduous task that will result in complete and utter failure. There is obviously something driving the relationship crisis, and if either Cindy or Bob is going to change what's on the surface they're going to have to change what's inside! If you want to get rid of a bad weed, do you clip the leaves off or do you pull it out by the root?
3. To save your relationship you must understand the differences between men and women.
You've probably heard of the popular relationship book "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus," right? You may even be one of the millions who have read it! And, I certainly won't dispute the fact that the author of this literary work sold plenty of copies. But, I honestly attribute that to nothing more than the catchy title. Now, forgive me if I'm a little to direct here, but this theory is the absolute biggest load of bunk I've heard of, and I'll prove to you!
First, I want you to understand that both men and women possess a male and female element. And, if you view each of them from a sociological perspective, the male element is usually defined through achieving results, and the female elements sense of self is defined through feelings and the quality of a relationship. Although, this is primarily due to nothing more than socially imposed constraints. In other words, little boys are taught that it's inappropriate to cry, show feelings, or wear pink, right! On the other hand, little girls are taught to take a back seat in society, to sacrifice, and to please others often at their own expense! So, this inequality and disparity begins and ends with societal programming - period! Think about it. The moment you believe you're different from someone else; it fosters separation, distance, divisiveness, and antipathy, doesn't it? And, by the way, there are a few words that accurately describe that behavior - there called bigotry and racism!
In addition, when we separate ourselves because of perceived differences, we tend to gravitate to others that hold the same beliefs. So, if you believe that men are different, insensitive, and unemotional, you will not only attract that type of behavior from your partner, but you'll also surround yourself with female friends who like bashing men! The bottom line is we aren't different! We are all created equally. And, the secrets to creating a magical relationship are to unlearn those socially imposed constraints and to unleash both the male and female elements within your self!
Good luck and Great Love,
The Relationship Rehab Coach
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how to save a relationship