Dear Dr. Romance:
THANK YOU so much for this dating tip! My girlfriend sent me your article "You Be The Judge" yesterday. I needed this. I dated this African guy for 4 months, 3 weeks in which we were actually together, and I was always upset and let-downed. Always, his way, his culture. He constantly made me feel I was doing something wrong because I didn't agree or go along with him. He was too prideful and never humbled himself. I was always wrong. It was always my fault I felt miserable.
I stop dating him, then on my birthday a month later, while out with my friends at my birthday party, having a great time, and feeling like a princess, I broke down and called him later that night, after he got off from work. Lord, why in the HECK did I do that?! Expecting things to be different after a month a part. Again, after just two weeks, he let me down, borrowed money from me and I saw him out with another girl, in which I confronted him. To make a long story short, I got my money back and I don't ever, ever plan on going back there again.
You know what bothers me the most, why did I decide to call him back after a month when I was doing so good? I mean, I missed him, but I was getting stronger again. But wait, Why did I initially start to date him, when during our very first conversation, I knew he wasn't the person for me? Why do I give people chances who don't deserve chances? Sometimes I feel like a weak, pathetic loser.
I went to feeling like a princess on my birthday to crap the days after. My birthday is suppose to be a milestone. I'm hurt because I can't make "right" decisions for my life. When it comes to men, I'm still dealing with crap I was dealing with 10 years ago. I feel like I haven't grown. I want to grow, I start off healing myself, then I relapsed -- like an alcoholic.
I am going to order your book, It Ends With You but I must say, I have many, many self-help books in my library. Again your advice, was great! One thing I've realized, I wasn't in love with this guy, I was in love with the illusion of being in love -- if you can understand that. The fantasy, as you put it.
I'm so glad the article was helpful. I know you'll benefit from It Ends With You. The reason you're stuck in a repeated pattern is that you learned it early, and you have to understand how to go back there in your mind and change your beliefs about men. It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction will help you do that. "Patterns of Change" will also help. Best of luck to you.
For low-cost counseling, email me at tina.tinatessina.com