My search for my Soulmate!

I would like to give hope to lonely people, who think they will never find their soul mate. Perhaps years have gone by, only for disappointments to keep happening. Wasted years in captivity and then the sudden release into the world of the single person again. Each time, it gets harder to want to change.  And, when you do, it could be very dangerous and damaging.  (Though my motto is, keep trying!)

Whether it be to try a new relationship and trust it, or, to change the one you have by packing up and starting out on your own. Each must be a frightening prospect. The older one gets, most certainly the harder it is to be strong enough to make such a drastic change.

I thought this too, as this last time, at the age of  54 years,  I made my big decision to leave a marriage that was very detrimental and damaging to me. But not only that, I made a complete change, by leaving everything familiar to me, including my family,  friends and country.

In between my four husbands and six common-law-husbands, I lived alone and never even dated. I was celibate. It does not take too long to adapt to not having the physical comfort, that a close relationship usually brings. I was not going to go out and give myself to just anybody. I only went out on dinner dates, or on short holiday trips, accompanied by friends. Or, to watch various musician friends at their gigs, when I would get up and ‘guest,’ as it’s called. Sometimes, I was busy getting a band together and spent much time rehearsing, sorting out the usual problems with personality clashes and so on. In other words, I kept myself occupied doing something a bit challenging and which I greatly enjoyed.

Well, although I have had the equivalent of ten ‘divorces,’ I have not had many relationships in between that. I found it preferable to live alone, than to live with a person who made me unhappy, angry, irritated, or, who made me lose my temper, or, worse still, made me lose my confidence as a woman! Many men try to do this to a partner if they are attractive, in a bid to keep them from thinking they might be able to do better elsewhere and have a better life, with a man/woman who could offer them more.

Some of the men in my life proved to nastier, after I had grown bored of them, and left, or asked them to go. Contact as friends was not possible, as it always lead to arguments. Some of the men were downright evil, after convincing me that they were worth being with, until I actually moved in with them, or they, with me. Some of the relationships were violent. But, I gave back as good as I was given, sometimes better, but the main thing to do was to escape from them as soon as possible, even though it meant uprooting and going, before I was prepared for it.

Some, stayed my friends, as they were genuinely lovely men, but sadly, did not have all the requirements that I needed and my needs were set high. So high, that I was always being told that I would NEVER find this ‘perfect’ man. Actually, he did not have to be perfect, he just had to do all the things that I did, creatively speaking and to be on the same wavelength and to be able to communicate with me, at all times, regardless of any situation. I was truly looking for a soul mate, for this man needed to be able to know my feelings inside out, and understand my emotional ‘triggers’ of which my traumatic life, had left me plenty of, so that he could prevent the distress that I would so easily feel, when one of these triggers went off.

I hated myself at these times, as I knew I was making much more of a situation than was necessary and I could not control my verbal temper outbursts. I would not say things I did not mean at these times. Indeed, the opposite. I would be totally undiplomatic and point out every fault and trait that displeased me, about the partner I was with. It was the anger at the pain I felt inside, that made me so angry. It seemed that such a stupid little thing could upset me so much and then everything I had ever suffered, came back all at once, and it felt as if I were dealing with it all again. All memories of trauma, loss and guilt came flooding back and my adrenaline literally flowed! Of course this made me feel very violent. But who could I take it out on, when it was the past that was hurting me? I simply turned on the partner who had just, either caused my ‘trigger’ to go off, or, who did not prevent it from happening.

I was always trying to push them away, even the good ones, as it was them that I blamed. If they were supposed to love me, then how could they not understand what caused me immense mental hurt? (which always turned into a physical pain deep inside my solar plexus) All I could think of was that they had been lying to me. Yes, I was very difficult to live with, (only when my triggers went off though) but I am happy to say, that as the years went by, I mellowed out and now mostly feel empathy and not anger. I feel as if the things that happened in my life which were so unjust, had happened to someone else, that I vaguely knew.

As most of the men I had left wanted me to give them another try at the relationship, promising to try and understand me, I realized that unless they knew the details of my past traumatic life, and were of course, interested enough to take the amount of time it would, to reveal all the convoluted details, that they would never be able to live with me, or I , with them.

Those that were willing to get that close to me, got frustrated, as I found it such hard going trying to remember what happened, when and why and what it lead to. You see, there was just too much and nothing made sense without the other bits! I had lived at least three more lives than the average person, as I had always strived for more than I should have. Always got into trouble that I had to get out of. And, due to my personality, had to live on the edge, as I got so bored with the normal life and stability of staying put, just because it was the easiest thing to do. With me, as soon as a home or area, bored me, I would leave it. Either with my partner at the time, or without him. The same went for casual friends and work I did, before I went into show business. I lost contact with so many due to my many moves. But I still think of them and have tried to get in contact.

My blunt way of speaking my mind got me into trouble, and I found that if I did not speak out and went along with various ideas, I still ended up being the one who got into trouble! It was as they say, ‘trouble just always found me!’

So back to this loneliness business. From the time I found myself alone with a 14 month old daughter, I began looking at the ‘Personal Ads.’ In those days there was no help for single mothers and I needed to fall in love with a man quickly, so that it was possible to set up home and keep my child. My impulsiveness was the cause of my being in this condition. The father of my child, made it impossible to live with him, due to his jealous attitude, that would take too long to explain here, and belongs in my Autobiography and all the details that I have to leave out now.

I was not promiscuous, but badly in need of love and for it to be constantly proved to me. So, it was very difficult for me to even get to first stages with men. The ones I lived with, with the intention of marrying, had some of the qualities I needed to function, either creatively, or as a woman. The two never seemed to combine, so I had the choice of one or the other. I could not put up with not having the complete package. Even though I was not so sure that what I needed even existed. They, (whoever they are?) say, that opposites attract. Depends what opposites are being thought of. Mostly ‘opposites’ do not last that long together. There is always the inevitable clash of the titans.

I have such a strong independent streak and am such a free spirit, but, I longed for the man who would make me want to depend on him. Who would make my spirit feel free, just by being with him.

I needed to feel that, no matter what decision I made about a situation, that if I could not decide on the right thing to do, that I would literally be able to accept the decision being made for me. That would be the kind of man I could really imagine staying with, for the rest of my life.

Not to have this kind of faith in a partner, meant I just had to move on. Not particularly to the next man, but to being in a position where I did not have to accept a partner that I did not have enough faith in. But, to be on my own. Where nothing was expected of me and I in return, could not expect anything from them. My Autobiography will explain the details of the strange relationships I have been through. None were boring. There was always some kind of action going on. I learned something from each of them and in return, taught them a few things. Some learned nothing, as they turned out to have the most massive ego’s. These men were the ones who tried to make me lose my confidence, which always appears larger than it really is.

Through the ‘Personal Ads’ in London, I found my 8^th relationship. It was in 1985. He was a wonderful, kind, educated (ex public school) Architect, just a couple of years older than me. He  was big and strong, another bodybuilder.  Very well kept for his age and so understanding.  I had already lost my children by then, but I needed a man to look after me, so that I would not be harassed, by still being ‘available.’ I had had to leave some of the places where I was living, as I had stalkers, who would not take no for an answer and had practically camped outside my door. (I have moved home 116 times now, all documented)

This remarkable man, Lambo, had fallen for me and knew that I just liked him very much, but he was still prepared to look after me, without expecting anything back, except my company. I moved in with him, into his 9 bed-roomed mansion in Ascot, an extremely expensive area to live in. I was given my own apartment at the top of the house. It was totally self-contained with a spare guestroom. I set up my recording studio and spent most of my time writing songs. Lambo only interrupted me with meals, as I never cooked for myself even though I had my own kitchen.

He gave parties for me, introduced me to influential people who could help to further my career and let me have my musician friends stay over, after we had been rehearsing. Some had to stay in his bedrooms, if there were more than could go into my guestroom, but, he enjoyed the fun and the music. Lambo had been in a ‘Skiffle Band,’ when he was younger, playing guitar and harmonica, so he used to join in regularly. I met many celebrities and was taken to very upmarket restaurants and clubs. But, I could not fall in love with him. I loved him dearly as a friend only, so I would not accept his proposal of marriage.

He decided he would market me and wanted to see me have the fame he thought I deserved. I would not let him do too much financially, as I did not think it was fair, in case he took chances and lost money on me. We lived opposite the very famous, in the UK anyway, group called ‘Five Star.’ They all had Maserati’s, Lambourgini’s etc. I would watch from over our wall, as their Tour Bus would come for them. Their fans would be waiting outside their gates and I would feel desolate. I knew that it should have been me in such a terrific position. (My Autobiography tells of why it never happened that big for me.)

Anyway, after four years, living wonderfully (though without the physical, but that did not matter) my Mum became ill with cancer of the tongue. I was so afraid for her. I moved near to her out in the countryside, as Lambo was good enough to buy me a huge 3 bed roomed flat. We continued to stay friends.

I had a near fatal car crash and could hardly walk as my hip and two lumber vertebrae had been damaged. (Long story here) So I lived on my own, in this flat, by the sea, for six years or so. Then moved on to a 3 bed roomed house with plenty of space and private gardens. After being here a year, an electrician I had phoned, called to fix a guitar problem. He asked me to join him for a walk by the sea and for something to eat and as I had hardly been out for a year, thought it would be nice.

Then not long afterwards I saw supernatural things, happening in my house and this lead to this ‘electrician,’ (who had had many business’s of his own, but had lost everything through his previous two divorces.) who had been talking to me of his being a witch in a coven, (a white witch of course) coming to stay in the guestroom, to protect me and the house. He, Bob, burned a long tapering candle every day and moved his ‘altar’ and Goddess figurine into the room with him.

He did stop the bad goings on. Although we were just friends, he said he loved me and wanted to marry me. I honestly told him how I felt and he said no matter, as I would grow to love him. For some strange reason, maybe the candle burning ritual did it, I married him. We also had the witches wedding ceremony, called, ‘hand fasting.’ This was in November, in the middle of the night, in some woods in Cheltenham, England. It was very pretty and magical sitting around a huge bonfire, which kept us warm. All the witches from the coven were there and wearing their cloaks. I felt as if I were in a movie not real life at all. The blessings, and various ceremonies carried out, were lovely actually. Obviously I did not take it as seriously as Bob and the coven did, but it was so different and unconventional and that always appeals to me.