life goes on
In the past few years I have used writing to meet other writers. I have published poetry in several reputable magazines and a few not so reputable (ie: poetry.com) I have written a book of poetry that has sold nearly 200 copies. I designed and sold it myself. I have become much more assertive in learning my craft, and in posting online. Still, I have self-esteem issues they donít disappear with out tons of work.
I developed several very close intimate relationships. It was here that I began to explore who and what I was becoming. As the weight dropped off I found that some people treated me differently. It was as though I had become more valuable somehow. I resented the implication that a personís body image is what is important. I also began to sort out who were real friends and who were interested in some other kind of relationship.
The winter was long and gray. Depression sank in me deep. There were times I was nearly suicidal with hopeless feelings. I was relying on friends to support me, online friends, and they were far away. I had few real friends in my neighborhood. Since moving here to the countryside 12 years ago I had worked out of my home as a Registered Nurse full time or had gone to college far from the neighborhood and had no family that lived closer then 30 miles.
Poetry dug deep into my psyche, releasing demons that had invaded into my sub-conscious and conscious living habits for many years. I had built walls of granite around my feelings to prevent being hurt or disappointed. These walls also prevented me from allowing my feelings out to my spouse. Although I believe I felt safe loving my children, adults were a far different matter.
Online I felt safer to talk about sensitive subjects. No actual contact! Well big surprise a person can get hurt feelings from people who you only know by a screen name. I explored feelings carelessly at first but became more and more wary as I discovered that there are people out there in cyberspace who have the same need to dominate or subjugate others emotionally as there are in the real world. I was still hiding, this time behind a screen name and a computer monitor.
I became bolder bit by bit. Taking careful steps to reassure myself that I could just be who I am, and the world would accept me that way. This is a delusion, I know that now.
Only really good friends are willing to wait to hear the truth, wait until you know the truth. I began to travel extensively leaving husband and children behind. I visited some of these friends in far off states. Hasting-on-Hudson, New York, Dallas, Texas, San Diego, California, and I went to Washington State on family business. Was I running away? No, I do not believe so. I was growing emotionally, growing in confidence with every flight or acquaintance. Soon I will hit the road again, to see friends. Each trip defines some new trait, some new desire. Each trip or adventure allows me expression of what was hidden. I donít have all the answers yet but I am learning to seek them.
This trip was changed as some friends are willing to see me and others were not. I was angry and felt rejected until I realized once again, itís a learning process for me. So just as I am learning and changing so are others. Itís life. This time I am driving from Minnesota, to Tulsa, Oklahoma and maybe to Dallas, Texas. 10 days to learn to rely on myself, and to become free to be just me. What am I seeking you might ask? I donít know yet. I just know that my story is being written and I refuse to leave this earth not having felt the heat of the Californiaís desert, or the humidity of the Texas plains. I want to reach out and hug friends, love those souls that touch me, see this country, and write what I feel.
Perhaps this story seems done, believe me its just started.