Seven Stumbles, Three Bumbles, and One Big Tumble

By John P. Johnston

This is the story of one man’s spiritual quest, an amazing journey of the heart, one that encompasses any number of blind alleys and false trails, each winding through a maze of unforeseen difficulties. One might expect the spiritual path to be clearly marked with signposts along the way; unfortunately, that was not my experience. Instead, I encountered a path strewn with obstacles, any one of which could have spelled doom with a capital ‘D’. I guess I am just one of those people destined to grapple with the frightful perils that sometimes beset those who tread the Path. Like many of you, I was frequently befuddled, and all too often my own worst enemy.  

When I first stepped onto the Path I was twenty-seven years old, and the prospect of losing my identity to some higher power literally terrified me. I had no way of knowing at the time, but, even though the ego is ultimately annihilated, total destruction of identity does not follow. Rather, the true self is gradually elevated into higher realms of consciousness, creating an expanded, more inclusive view of reality. We certainly lose something of our sense of identity – not the sense of being a unique individual, but the sense of separation that inevitably defines the human ego. Instead of confronting life with a multitude of disconnected and contradictory agendas, constantly assuming either a defensive position, or formulating various strategies and tactics, we come to experience life as a mutual endeavor. First as a cooperative member of society, later as an integral part of a spiritual community, ultimately as a unique expression of One Eternal Life - a Life that recognizes no boundaries and no limitations.  

Getting back to my story, you should know that I had a very difficult childhood, not because of my karmic past, but because I chose such a life before taking birth. I made that choice because I was seeking a challenging life experience, one that presented an opportunity for accelerated personal growth, through the application of unconditional love. The challenge turned out to be more than I bargained for, and very nearly more than I could endure. When I made that choice I fully expected my steadfast resolve, together with the support of some favorable karma, to carry me through the ordeal. I couldn’t have been more wrong, because as it turned out, I was badly damaged by a cruel and heartless stepparent, which quite naturally resulted in severe psychological trauma. By the time I graduated from high school I was, by all accounts, an angry young man, determined to never again endure the slings and arrows of misfortune.   

It wasn’t until the age of 27, when I experienced a series of lifelike visions while reading a book about Edgar Cayce, that I realized how twisted and tormented I had become. Now the reason I am sharing my story isn’t because I have a compelling need to bare my soul, nor is it because I seek to evoke your sympathy. On the contrary, my overriding purpose is to shed light on the potential pitfalls found upon the spiritual path. This is especially important to those of you, who, like me, have been treading the Path trailing a wounded inner child in your wake.  

Take for example my lifelong obsession with weight training. I had somehow gotten it into my head that a powerful physique would protect me from life’s inherent dangers. That was my first stumble, one that can still put a little bit of a hitch in my metaphorical gait. That particular stumble, my friends, amounted to complete and total identification with my physical appearance, not as a source of unwarranted pride, but as a source of protection against the injustices of the world.

I wanted to have an impressive looking physique, one that unmistakably announced my physical prowess. The fact that my size was intimidating to others only served to prove that I knew how to protect myself. Lest you think that I am only capable of one stumble at a time, please allow me to disabuse you of that notion. It seems that my carefully constructed image of menacing muscle wasn’t enough to ensure the stability of my self-image. My creation required a steady diet of emotional turmoil, most notably anger mixed with occasional bouts of rage. Of course, anger and rage weren’t all they were cracked up to be, invariably thrusting me into the grip of depression. And so I would sink into melancholy, not because I regretted my behavior, but because I felt powerless. Despite an overpowering physical appearance, and despite blistering bursts of anger, I was incapable of controlling the circumstances of my life. That was my second stumble – identification with the emotions that nearly ruined my life.

And so I languished in my self-made hell, until one day I realized that I alone was responsible for the fact that I was utterly and completely unhappy. I needed to change, adapt, and adjust, and I needed to do it before it was too late. I subsequently sought salvation in the world of the intellect. I studied theories and I memorized facts, slowly adding a new dimension to my flawed personality. Eventually, I learned to rely upon my intellect, dismissing, for the most part, although not entirely, the angry behemoth that resided in the depths of my psyche. The intellect ruled the day; however, my old discarded persona still lurked in the depths of my psyche, tethered to a post in the arena of childhood abuse and neglect, only occasionally escaping its unwelcome fate. And so I believed that the intellect, with all of its amazing powers, would surely conquer all that stood between me and my idealized future. No such luck; ergo stumble number three.

The mind does in fact rule the world of emotion, and it can, given faith and conviction, heal the body. Innately equipped with a variety of useful tools, the mind truly excels when it comes to setting goals and formulating plans; however, those plans all too often serve personal agendas, even when they appear to be dedicated to the service of others. It isn’t until the ego surrenders to the Divine Source that the mind finally settles into its rightful role as arbiter between man and his environment, which brings me to my fourth stumble – complete and utter identification with my ego.

At first, identification with my ego didn’t appear to be a stumble at all. And that was because other people frequently agreed with my views, and therefore offered their support. Perhaps now is as good a time as any to let you know that stumble number four turned out to be the worst stumble of all. And why is that? You might ask. Because on that particular rung of the evolutionary ladder the ego unwittingly constructs and stubbornly defends what passes for reality. And the reality of the ego is strange indeed, because the ego is at once our greatest individual achievement, and the source of the ultimate illusion - the imagined self.

The ego is but a thought given form and substance through repeated reinforcement. Therefore one might conclude that the ego is nothing more than an elaborately constructed illusion with no intrinsic value. And yet, this does not prove to be the case, because even though the ego is but an illusion founded upon the past and projected into the future, it represents an important milestone in human evolution. Like an actor who identifies with the various characters he portrays, the ego gathers to itself many different roles and experiences. Those experiences, when founded upon love and service, enrich the Soul, thereby facilitating a transition from ego based reality to infinity based reality. Which is to say, both the past and the future become objects of consciousness, and no longer form the basis of subjective reality. Individual reality merges with the objective reality of infinity (God), and is experienced moment to moment as the Eternal Now.  

Now for stumble number five. Over the years I finally began to grasp the nature of the human dilemma. How does one escape identification with the ego, while retaining a unique sense of individual identity? By constantly calling upon the Divine Source to direct and correct every endeavor, every step upon the Path, until identification with the Creator is finally achieved, not as the Creator, which implies the loss of individuality, but as a Co-Creator.  It was an important insight, one that unfortunately led me to believe that I had a very special purpose in life, a state of mind sometimes referred to as God intoxication. And so I felt destined to fulfill an important role, one that would finally bear witness to my value as a human being. Needless to say intoxication, in any form, clouds the mind, effectively obscuring reality.

Nevertheless, I had somehow progressed upon the Path, passing through various levels of identification without realizing the degree to which I remained haunted by memories of childhood abuse. Truth is, I had changed, but I hadn’t changed enough. Down deep, I still identified with my athletic appearance, and I still wrestled with my negative emotions. My intellect remained a source of pride, and my ego remained determined to never again suffer at the hands of another, even if it meant paying a hefty price.

We now arrive at stumble number six. I never suspected that my own worst enemy lurked within the cells of my body, particularly those cells comprising what is commonly referred to as the subconscious mind. The subconscious mind consists of a collection cells located in the area of the solar plexus, plus another smaller collection of cells located at the base of the skull. Emotionally charged memories stored in the cells located in the area of the solar plexus are reflected into the cells of the body, accumulating in those parts of the anatomy accustomed to storing negative emotions. The cells residing at the base of the skull contain disconnected elements of the developing ego. Those elements are eventually synchronized and incorporated into a fully integrated personality. That bit of information may seem an unnecessary digression; however, it is my hope that it will shed some light on the gravity of stumble number six. It all began when I took up the daily practice of examining, and ultimately dissecting the structure of my ego, with near catastrophic results. My emotional reactions to unwanted and unexpected events intensified, causing my personality to destabilize. Terrifying dreams gradually ripped a gaping hole in my psyche, unleashing waves of irrational fear, laced with paranoia. In my agitated state of mind I became convinced that the evil of the world had descended upon my shoulders, revealing its likeness deep within my own nature.  

Eventually, perhaps inevitably, I experienced what might be called a breakdown. Mercifully, my ordeal was short-lived, and ultimately beneficial, but nevertheless terrifying. Here’s what happened. My subconscious mind erupted like Vesuvius, shattering the very foundation of my identity. There was nothing left but fragments, and just when it seemed that I might end my days in a psychiatric ward, the fragments reassembled. I wish I could say that this only happened once, but that would not be accurate. It happened several times, and each time I survived. Each eruption from the subconscious presented an opportunity to purge the emotional pain that haunted my existence. The ordeal didn’t seem beneficial at the time; however, over the years I came to understand the necessity of it all. My personal tectonic plates were so tightly configured that there was no other way to release the core of my suffering. Like molten lava my painful past erupted into the light of day. Ordinarily, I might have succumbed to such a tumultuous experience, but you see, this too was part of my life plan, a plan authored prior to taking birth.

Having survived six major stumbles I was feeling pretty confident. For many years I walked the Path, rarely looking over my shoulder, though vaguely fearful that I might stumble yet again. As it turned out, fear, long repressed and deeply personal, became my seventh stumble. I knew fear when I suffered those tumultuous eruptions of the psyche, and I knew fear, more poignant than ever, when those memories occasionally and unexpectedly reappeared. That was nothing compared to what was about to occur. My nature is such that I always force the inevitable, and then never see it coming until it’s unavoidable. So believe me when I tell you that I never saw it coming. If you doubt my words, please read on.

Meditation has long been an important part of my life, and while I passed many years without instruction, I ultimately found the guidance I needed. However, before that help arrived I made a near fatal mistake. Because my technique was flawed, and because some part of me still yearned for personal redemption, I inadvertently awakened the kundalini fire residing at the base of the spine. That fire exploded up my spine, opening every chakra all the way up to the top of my head. I was left open to every passing disturbance, whether from the immediate environment, or from the dark waves of emotion that constantly sweep the earth’s atmosphere. Not only was I open to external forces, but I was also experiencing visions and manifesting yogic powers that threatened to overwhelm my conscious mind.

By then I knew enough to understand what was happening – therefore I never considered getting mainstream psychological help. Instead I went to someone who understood the situation, someone trained in the metaphysical arts, someone associated with the Ascended Masters. This marked the true beginning of my spiritual journey.

You should know that my seven stumbles are not uniquely my own, but characteristic of the human condition. And even though I repeatedly stumbled, I never stopped trying. Instead I accepted the challenge posed by repeated failure. And so I reveal my stumbles so that you might know that others have walked this path of thorns. Lest you think that my journey ended there, I need to tell you about my three bumbles. But first, let me clarify the terminology. The fact that a stumble is unexpected, and therefore wholly unacceptable to the ego in no way distinguishes it from a bumble. The only significant difference between the two is the fact that we tend to stumble when our awareness is overly generalized, and we tend to bumble when our awareness is unduly focused on details. For example, when identified with either your body or your emotions, you are not focused upon objective reality, but upon an image. And that image, whether acceptable or unacceptable, does not reflect reality, but represents a gross generalization. Likewise, when you form an image based on your emotions you are creating an abstraction – one impression that represents reality. This is important to understand because every image is a thought form, and every thought form is based on a specific quality, but accepted as reality, and is therefore an illusion. However, a thought form that encompasses an integrated ego, one that includes meaning and purpose, is not entirely illusory, because rather than symbolize a quality, it depicts an integrated whole, and that whole represents the cutting edge of human evolution.

Now a bumble is quite the opposite. Rather than generalize from a single impression, we employ our intellects to analyze and compare a multitude of experiences, thereby constructing a strictly logical version of reality. It is a useful process, but a process that does not take into account the fundamental nature of reality. Reality is the very essence and presence of God, and because God’s essence is Love, reality is necessarily a manifestation of Love, which is a function of the heart, and not the mind.

When I made my first bumble I was working as a counselor in the criminal justice system. Because of my recent stumble I was determined to do things the right way - every time, all the time. Now that might sound like a decent plan, and for a while it seemed to be working. However, difficulties arose, because I was so completely focused on exerting my own well-intentioned purpose that I failed to notice the fact that the people around me were actively resisting my every effort. Whenever they resisted, I steadfastly persisted. I knew I was right, and I knew that I was fulfilling my destiny. I eventually alienated people – not everybody, because there were those who agreed with me in principle. Nevertheless, I was making waves and, as so often happens, those waves broke over the rocky coast of day-to-day living. Unfortunately, those rocks represented the people in my life. That particular bumble lasted for about ten years! During that time I remained determined to do what was right; although, even when I happened to actually be right, I often failed to influence the very people who might otherwise have joined forces with me. My actions were motivated by the desire to help, yet my efforts were not, on many occasions, helping the people concerned. Instead they were rubbing people the wrong way. Had I embraced a wider perspective, one that recognized the importance of personal growth through trial and error, I might have been able to share my ideas in a manner that others found acceptable.

My second bumble stemmed from my first bumble, wherein I was stubbornly focused upon my own version of selfless public service. The second bumble resulted when I identified with my newfound understanding of evolutional development – that is to say, everyone’s innate potential unfolds according to their own unique purpose in life. And so, instead of expecting others to immediately appreciate and support my ideals, I viewed others as needing my guidance, so that they might fulfill their own unrealized potential. My attempt wasn’t an abstraction, and therefore it wasn’t a stumble, but it was definitely a bumble, because rather than actually helping others manifest their creative potential, all too often I imposed my own sense of urgency, forgetting that unfolding purpose necessarily involves a process of trial and error, making timing an important part of the equation. For instance, I felt like I had to repeatedly explain everything in sufficient detail; otherwise, others were liable to make the same mistakes I had made. You can probably guess how that was received. As for myself, I was quite satisfied with my new approach, and felt that I had finally found a way to educate others to my way of thinking. That particular bumble haunted me for years, until I finally realized the truth of the matter. If I wanted to be helpful, I needed to rely upon the power of love and compassion, the very essence of Reality.   

Now for the third and final bumble. This one might surprise you. It sure surprised me. Having learned the value of patience, and having experienced the joy of mentoring those who sought what I had to offer, I was unprepared for what was to follow. I had reached that place in my life where I knew myself to be a person of principle – someone dedicated to truth and committed to service. Sound familiar? So what did I miss? I had overlooked one simple fact – the fundamental principle upon which all life is based is not Love alone, but Love and Wisdom, a duality in appearance only.   

Love alone is not enough. We need to express our love wisely with discernment and discrimination; otherwise, our love, no matter how passionately expressed, will fail to fully integrate into our immediate context. Strange though it may sound, when I applied love and love alone, I sometimes made matters worse, due in large part to the absence of wisdom. On the other hand, when I emphasized the practical application of wisdom, without including love and compassion, the result wasn’t any better. Here’s how it works. Love, among other things, is an expression of tolerance, compassion, and forgiveness – in short, love unites us with our common heritage. Wisdom, on the other hand, is the application of knowledge and experience to the challenges of everyday life. When we apply love without drawing upon knowledge and experience, without recognizing and honoring the inherent patterns of cause and effect, we frequently do a disservice to others by unwittingly condoning, and therefore validating destructive behavior. When we apply wisdom without reference to forgiveness and compassion, we run the risk of invalidating the feelings and intentions of others. In either case, love without wisdom, or wisdom without love, we fail to recognize the overall picture, which only serves to unnecessarily complicate life.

Unlike my stumbles, which really amounted to nothing more than the everyday pitfalls of human evolution, and unlike my bumbles, which represent but a few examples of the challenges faced upon the Path, my tumble was a good thing from start to finish. The average tumble results in a fall; however, there are those tumbles uniquely associated with the path to enlightenment. Such was my tumble. I had long yearned for a major leap in consciousness, one that would forever change my life. As the years turned into decades, I finally relinquished all hope of ever taking such a profound leap. I gradually came to appreciate the importance of day-to- day living – the value of persistence regardless of circumstances. That’s when I took a tumble.

I was relaxing, wholly unaware of anything other than a soothing sense of peace and tranquility. Suddenly, without any prior indication, my identity was transformed. I was at once aware of myself as a unique individual, and as a manifestation of a Life greater than my own. The person who previously existed as a separate entity – connected to life only by choice and circumstance - was gone, revealing a conscious being who was both self-indentified and universal in essence. Even though I had undergone a major transformation, and felt as if I had awakened from a dream, my leap in consciousness was not permanent, but incremental. It was, nevertheless, a significant awakening. While living the dream of the ego, I had been busy creating my own unique perspective on reality - one life to the next - but that wasn’t the whole story. I was, and remain, a participant in a grand experiment, one that offers learning opportunities for each and every soul.  

So what does it all mean to me, the one who first stumbled, then bumbled, and finally tumbled? Well, my dear friends, it means that I have at last, though not fully and completely, accepted my inheritance. But lest you think the story ends here, I should tell that I haven’t yet reached the end of my journey, because despite the ever recurring experience of wholeness, the plight of a suffering humanity beckons unto us all. You see, my destiny, like yours, is inexorably linked to the destiny of the human family.

John P. Johnston is the author of This Side of the Gate, a metaphysical novel about reincarnation. This Side of the Gate can be purchased online at www.Amazon.com and www.BarnesandNoble.com.