July 21st, 2001

For a second or two, joy filled my whole being. I felt my body poised, ready to run to the door and throw it open wide. I started to get up out of my chair. Then, like a ton of bricks, it hit me; I'd misunderstood. Adam was saying, "Cassy's kiss, Cassy's kiss", referring to our bedtime ritual. He said it in singsong and was in the other room when he started saying it, so I didn't hear him clearly at first. But my heart thought it did. After I figured out what he was really saying, I knew that it wasn't her coming up the stairs and through my door. Disappointment and anguish rushed in, flooding over and through me. Tears flowed down my face as I sobbed from the pain. It was as if I'd lost her all over again.

I also realized, how much I am in denial and how much I still believe, she WILL come back to me in the way I want and need her. I didn't realize how strong my denial is until now. You know what? It doesn't matter. I know realistically, she isn't coming back to me and I can't hold her in my arms. I'll never get to look at her or hear her voice again. But my mother's heart still refuses to let go. I will never let go. Not as long as my heart beats. Not as long as there is a breath in me. I will never let go of hope. To do so, would be to let go of my baby girl. I can't do that any more now, than the day she was born. I will always love her. I will always hope. I will always want and need her.

I love and miss you so much, baby girl, my Cassy angel. I will forever and always, plus one more day