In our teens and twenties my galpals and I were quite an intelligent bunch of girls who enjoyed spending our money on slick Nikes and new technologies, on at the spur of the moment trips to the islands, sleeping in until all hours of the day, chain smoking and clubbing and swearing up and down we would NEVER be stupid and reproduce.  Our choice of contraception was abstinence AND the pill.  Which works okay until the day you meet that tall handsome man with hair down to his tightly rounded buttocks and you swoon and stumble but your galpals, if they really luv you tons, will yank you to the ground by the hair and go,

"Girl, I love you.  Now repeat after me, 'I will NEVER forget to take my pill.'"

Everyday, one of the gals will call you up and without preamble say, "Take your pill."

So you don't EVER forget.  And yet, the fates have a real twisty sense of humor.  Comes the day you wake up with BIG breasteses that will no longer cooperate with being squished into your nice and tidy BCups. So off you trot to VickiSecrets, putting the boobies down to the fact that, afterall, you are only 23 and really only started looking anything like a woman at 17, so you're development is late.  So you get your nice uplift balconette in black , D cup, hmmmmmmmmmmmm and kind of sort of revel in looking like a Playlette (actually you look more disproportionate than anything else, nothing like D cups on a 5'4, 98 lb frame, it's a miracle you don't tip forward) UNTIL the porcelain potty becomes your huggy bear.  ANd still you go, uhn, uhn, I'm on the pill and I NEVER  forget.

Your girlfriends in their happy state of uninvolved chemically induced temporary infertility go hhhhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmmmmmm, "Pee on this stick."

And you go, "Awwwwwwwww, come on girls, I NEVER forget to take the pill." How could you, with them screaming it at you every morning, taking turns in making you spill a nice amount of coffee all over your giant hohos now plunging out of the balconette.

"Pee on it!" they shout in unison.

So you pee on the stick, smiling like a moron, going "I NEVER forget."

And the stick goes like this +-.  Your galpals imitate your morning ritual with the huggy bear in the potty. They make cross signs and belch and shake their heads in sympathy. 

"There goes your BMW. 24 grand minimum from conception to childbirth."

"There goes that cute little shape."

"You are f*****."

But I NEVER forget.

And six years later, happily on Depo Provera for 4 years, the stick came up positive agin.

I won't even bother going into the horrors of pregnancy and childbirth, the indignity of labor and the utter outerwordly agony of shoving a squalling beach ball out of a delicate little huha, all I knew is that I wanted to spare my daughters the horror!

The 18 year old is set.  I videotaped her birth and showed it to her and made a happy movie night of it on her 12th Birthday just as the Hormone fairy was blessing her body and verbal sassiness.  It helps that she has no patience for kids and is selfish and very 'me' oriented.  Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.

I also videtaped my 11 year old's birth and again our movie night last year was a hit.  But I think what will work even better is the fact that she made the mistake of asking me what is a GYN exam, since she overheard me telling my galpal (who was intelligent enough to stick to her guns and NEVER reproduced) that I was due.

I grinned very wide and since we were in the car, there was no escaping the  TRUTH.

  "Well, first, you have to get naked." me

 "Eyuuuuuuuu, why." kid

"So they can look at your huha." me

"Why would they want to do that." shudder, shudder.

"To check you for cancer and all kinds of nasty diseases people catch by doing the nasteeeeeeeee.  Then they lay you on a table and put your ankles up high in stirrups like when you ride a horse."

"That's disgusting." gag, gag.

"Then they take these giant salad spoons, stick it up your huha and leave them there."

"WHY?!"

"So they can insert the giant QTip and get a scraping of your cervix."

"Eyuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu."

"Then, just when you think you're done and they yank out the salad spoons, well, the doctor takes two fingers and shoves it up your huha, then takes his thumb and shoves it up your hiney to feel for any unusual growths."

"Okay, I'm done, TMI!" shudder, gag.  "Does everyone HAVE to get this done?" hopeful eyes.

"Not if you never ever have sex or get pregnant." happy smile.

She's 11, so it's all chili palmer cool for now, but I know when she is twenty or so and world wise (or at least not an idiot), she will come to me and go,

"You know mom, you were really weird with the whole explaining GYN and sex and pregnancy stuff back when I was young."

And my retort?

"At least I didn't tell you you'd grow a penis if you ever touched one like your grandma told me."

THE END

carry on