Answering Butterball Hotline Questions
edited: Friday, November 19, 2004
By Bob Holt
Rated "G" by the Author.
Posted: Friday, November 19, 2004
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We answer all of your questions about preparing Thanksgiving dinner, like accurate directions to Denny's.
As we get closer to Thanksgiving, every year people make plans to get together with family and friends to enjoy a hearty holiday meal. If you're not among those people who are having their turkey thinly sliced, processed, wrapped in foil and delivered by the good people at Swansons'(not that I know any such person), then you are likely to have questions about how to properly prepare a turkey dinner.
Such folks have been receiving helpful hints since 1981 from the Butterball Turkey Talk-Line. You can ask them all of your turkey-related questions such as: How do I safely handle a turkey?, Where does the meat thermometer go?, and Do I actually have to TOUCH the giblets?
All right, maybe you shouldn't ask that one. But since the Butterball Turkey Talk-Line receives over 100,000 other questions in November and December, as a public service we offered to answer some of their tougher turkey questions for them.
Q: Do you swear you're not Bill O'Reilly?
A: I most certainly am not. What are you wearing?
Q: First, how long should I defrost my turkey?
A: It is best to take it out of the freezer no later than Easter.
Q: Since I am a vegetarian, I want to know how you people can cook and eat an innocent turkey each Thanksgiving.
A: We're not proud of that. But every year I do like to hunt down and kill my own cranberries just to watch them die.
Q: Are there any healthy alternatives to eating turkey?
A: Many people have been turning to tofurkeys, or tofu turkeys. These are made of wheat, gravy, and freshly killed bean curd. The tofurkey uses a special wild rice-bread crumb stuffing.
Q: Is that stuffing really tasty?
A: Of course. It tastes just like regular stuffing. Granted, just like the kind which is found in a mattress.
Q: According to CBS reports, weren't you attacked last year by the Gravy Boat Veterans For Truth for stuffing your turkey with Maxwell House to counteract the effects of tryptophan?
A: That is only a rumor.
Q: Wasn't there a National Thanksgiving Turkey which received a presidential pardon this year?
A: A turkey named Biscuits just received executive clemency from President Bush. And he also pardoned the runner-up, named Gravy. People were able to go online to the White House web site and vote for them for National Thanksgiving Turkey from about thirty finalists from Virginia.
Q: Why was there a runner-up?
A: He was there in case the winner was unable to perform his turkey duties during the year. Besides, Gravy was a big hit in the evening gown competition.
Q: What happens if the National Thanksgiving Turkey voting results in a tie?
A: It goes to the Supreme Court.
Q: What happens to the losing turkeys who do not receive pardons?
A: They will return to Camp X-Ray.
Q: Does your home state of New Jersey have its own official turkey which receives a pardon?
A: No, but many turkeys have reportedly been offered job positions by the outgoing McGreevey administration.
Q: Are they going to have that damn Turkey and Gravy soda again this year?
A: Yes. And they've added Green Bean Casserole, Mashed Potato, and Cranberry sodas. Last year Jones Soda Company sold out six thousand bottles online in about two hours.
A: I have no idea.
Q: What does a bottle taste like?
A: At first it appears to be a murky, polluted brown color which doesn't look all that appetizing. But don't be fooled.
Q: You mean it tastes worse?
A: The turkey and gravy soda has a sweet and savory lardlike flavor. It tastes like blended giblets which have been sitting out on your front porch for a month.
Q: Anyway, I'm trying to impress my new in-laws with this year's dinner. Is there any special way I can get my turkey to become brown enough?
A: Simply thaw your bird out very early, then follow our cooking instructions correctly. And stay away from any paint primers.
Q: Can I cook a turkey stuffed with a file in it for Martha Stewart without alerting the feds?
A: Many people have tried. It's a good thing.
Q: Just what, exactly, is a turducken?
A: A turducken is a deboned turkey stuffed with a deboned duck which has already been stuffed with a tiny, deboned chicken.
Q: Who would want to go to all of that trouble?
A: De delicatessens who offer extremely expensive delivery service on Thanksgiving.
Q: Are there any other turkey substitutes besides tofurkey and turducken?
A: I often enjoy a turtleini. This is a turkey stuffed with a de-shelled small turtle which is smothered with a couple of dry martinis.
Q: You know, you really shouldn't drink when you're in front of a stove preparing a turkey for Thanksgiving dinner.
A: I don't mind. I'll be meeting the good people at Swansons again this year for mine.
Q: So if I follow your advice, will I have a successful Thanksgiving dinner?
A: Only if Taco Bell delivers.
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|Reviewed by Joyce Tres
|Had me laughing all over my morning coffee. Funny read, love it! Happy Holidays! Cannot wait to see what you do for Christmas.
|Reviewed by Debra Conklin
|I was thinking KFC for my next holiday hostessing duties. Disguised of course as DFT (Debbie Fried Turkey). A bird is a bird, right?
|Reviewed by Janet Caldwell
|If I could roll, I would. ;) Thanks for the smiles and Happy Holidays.
Love, Janet xoxoxo
|Reviewed by Kate Clifford
|As always I am here smiling :-) Love your wit!|
|Reviewed by Cynthia Borris
|Bet you ruffled some feathers in the *turkey* pen. Best advice to a turkey - RUN! No, not for policitical office. Simply - RUN....
Happy Thanksgiving, Bob and watch the foil on that dinner.
|Reviewed by Ed Matlack
|Sorry, Taco bell is closed that day and as for those special soda's from Jones, the bottle tastes better than the drinks themselves...Happy Turkey day, oh and the Acme in "Woodbury heights" on Rt 45 is open most of the day...they have an extra stash of Swansons on hand...Enjoy your day and I enjoyed this fun read, Ed & Rufuz|
|Reviewed by Tinka Boukes
|Happy tanks Giving...and the funny ead!!