As we get closer to Thanksgiving, every year people make plans to get together with family and friends to enjoy a hearty holiday meal. If you're not among those people who are having their turkey thinly sliced, processed, wrapped in foil and delivered by the good people at Swansons'(not that I know any such person), then you are likely to have questions about how to properly prepare a turkey dinner.

Such folks have been receiving helpful hints since 1981 from the Butterball Turkey Talk-Line. You can ask them all of your turkey-related questions such as: How do I safely handle a turkey?, Where does the meat thermometer go?, and Do I actually have to TOUCH the giblets?

All right, maybe you shouldn't ask that one. But since the Butterball Turkey Talk-Line receives over 100,000 other questions in November and December, as a public service we offered to answer some of their tougher turkey questions for them.

Q: Do you swear you're not Bill O'Reilly?

A: I most certainly am not. What are you wearing?

Q: First, how long should I defrost my turkey?

A: It is best to take it out of the freezer no later than Easter.

Q: Since I am a vegetarian, I want to know how you people can cook and eat an innocent turkey each Thanksgiving.

A: We're not proud of that. But every year I do like to hunt down and kill my own cranberries just to watch them die.

Q: Are there any healthy alternatives to eating turkey?

A: Many people have been turning to tofurkeys, or tofu turkeys. These are made of wheat, gravy, and freshly killed bean curd. The tofurkey uses a special wild rice-bread crumb stuffing.

Q: Is that stuffing really tasty?

A: Of course. It tastes just like regular stuffing. Granted, just like the kind which is found in a mattress.

Q: According to CBS reports, weren't you attacked last year by the Gravy Boat Veterans For Truth for stuffing your turkey with Maxwell House to counteract the effects of tryptophan?

A: That is only a rumor.

Q: Wasn't there a National Thanksgiving Turkey which received a presidential pardon this year?

A: A turkey named Biscuits just received executive clemency from President Bush. And he also pardoned the runner-up, named Gravy. People were able to go online to the White House web site and vote for them for National Thanksgiving Turkey from about thirty finalists from Virginia.

Q: Why was there a runner-up?

A: He was there in case the winner was unable to perform his turkey duties during the year. Besides, Gravy was a big hit in the evening gown competition.

Q: What happens if the National Thanksgiving Turkey voting results in a tie?

A: It goes to the Supreme Court.

Q: What happens to the losing turkeys who do not receive pardons?

A: They will return to Camp X-Ray.

Q: Does your home state of New Jersey have its own official turkey which receives a pardon?

A: No, but many turkeys have reportedly been offered job positions by the outgoing McGreevey administration.

Q: Are they going to have that damn Turkey and Gravy soda again this year?

A: Yes. And they've added Green Bean Casserole, Mashed Potato, and Cranberry sodas. Last year Jones Soda Company sold out six thousand bottles online in about two hours.

Q: Why?

A: I have no idea.

Q: What does a bottle taste like?

A: At first it appears to be a murky, polluted brown color which doesn't look all that appetizing. But don't be fooled.

Q: You mean it tastes worse?

A: The turkey and gravy soda has a sweet and savory lardlike flavor. It tastes like blended giblets which have been sitting out on your front porch for a month.

Q: Anyway, I'm trying to impress my new in-laws with this year's dinner. Is there any special way I can get my turkey to become brown enough?

A: Simply thaw your bird out very early, then follow our cooking instructions correctly. And stay away from any paint primers.

Q: Can I cook a turkey stuffed with a file in it for Martha Stewart without alerting the feds?

A: Many people have tried. It's a good thing.

Q: Just what, exactly, is a turducken?

A: A turducken is a deboned turkey stuffed with a deboned duck which has already been stuffed with a tiny, deboned chicken.

Q: Who would want to go to all of that trouble?

A: De delicatessens who offer extremely expensive delivery service on Thanksgiving.

Q: Are there any other turkey substitutes besides tofurkey and turducken?

A: I often enjoy a turtleini. This is a turkey stuffed with a de-shelled small turtle which is smothered with a couple of dry martinis.

Q: You know, you really shouldn't drink when you're in front of a stove preparing a turkey for Thanksgiving dinner.

A: I don't mind. I'll be meeting the good people at Swansons again this year for mine.

Q: So if I follow your advice, will I have a successful Thanksgiving dinner?

A: Only if Taco Bell delivers.