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Blogs by Chessly Lynn Nesci
~Loss~
11/29/2009 1:15:51 PM
The pain of loosing a loved one can hit anytime.
~Loss~
The hardest thing in life is loosing a loved one. This pain never goes away. It is an ache that is felt very deep within your heart, and pours out of you when you least expect it. I was in Panera Bread this morning when I saw a little old man with a sweater and cane. He was flustered because the lady at the counter gave him the wrong coffee.
He was wearing dentures just like my father and was making a slurping sound with his mouth that we all could hear. I made eye contact with him and the tears welled up in my eyes. I watched him walk over to the toaster and toast his bagel then sit down with his morning paper. I felt such sadness for him knowing he was eating and reading the paper alone.
I think everyone needs a buddy even when they get old to keep them from getting depressed. My father was all alone and scared when he died. The day I found him, was the worst day of my life. His electricity and cable had been shut off and his apartment was very dark. This is not how I expected him to go alone without anyone.
He knew on January 1st that he wouldn’t make it to the end of the month. He was very tired and ready to go. It was me that couldn’t except him really leaving and not coming back. The reality of him dying was too much for me. My whole life he was there, always supportive and never turned his back on me. It was never about him but always the needs of his kids.
The night before he passed he couldn’t say goodbye to me. If he knew why didn’t he want me there beside him? Did he want to die alone because he loved me so much and didn’t want to see the sadness in my eyes when he took his last breath? I believe that is the truth and he didn’t want to ask for help because of his pride.
He was just done with life. It was his time to go. The only things in his pockets were a lottery ticket and a ATM receipt saying he was eight hundred overdrawn in his acct. If he knew that was it, why didn’t he tell me? He didn’t ask for help and I didn’t know it was that bad. I wanted to take care of that man and couldn’t bare seeing him suffer everyday.
Why do they have to have so much pain in the last days? I don’t know how to go on now that he is gone. I pick up the phone and wish I could just have one moreconversation. Why can’t they come back for just one day so we could say everything we needed to say to them before they died? It is not fair for them not to know how much they are truly loved.
Well his anniversary is in a few days and I was thinking of having a party. He didn’t want his family to mourn his loss but celebrate his life. I have been crying and very sad for almost two years now, and ready to be happy on this much dreaded day. My father loved to laugh and tell jokes. He was always positive in everything he said and always available for a pick me up. I am going to eat his favorite food and make his favorite dessert.
Even though, he is not still on this planet, his memories will always be around and comfort me when I’m sad. We all have to go on with our lives, but we never have to forget the special bond that we shared with them. We will always be together just in a different way.
Written by, ~ Chessly Lynn Nesci
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More Blogs by Chessly Lynn Nesci
• ~Loss~ - Sunday, November 29, 2009
• Closing a Chapter...Beginning a New One - Wednesday, November 25, 2009
• ~Autism~ - Wednesday, November 25, 2009
• ~Miracles~ - Saturday, November 21, 2009
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