Blogs by Meredith Dixon
5/29/2006 3:10:23 AM
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Do you ever just wake up from a dream, oh so real, with pages of lists, letters to write, poems to put to paper, words rattling around awaiting your mind to think on and sort out as you try to emotionally get over your intense dream/near nightmare??
Has it been a dry spell? Is that what it is called? Even though the words, feelings, desires keep coming? Cannot push away the tiredness at times of the mind to write what I need and want to say. Bed or computer? What a choice when one has to get up so early with no chance of a nap or respite. But it's summer now and maybe I can indulge in the pleasures of my secret passion of writing. No matter how good or bad it may be. Or how long or whatever, it is mine. My feelings and thoughts that need to come out. Although I confess it is mostly made up of other people's feelings, parts of their lives that I see and sometimes feel. Who am I trying to reach? I think no one anymore except myself and to stay in balance.
Oh dear diary: to keep you updated. The fight is over. The stressful, painful, "keep you on your toes" fight as I tried to fit a square peg into their round hole. The answer is no, no, no and no again.
The fight COULD continue but I don't think the energy that it would take would be worth it no matter how noble the cause I think it would be. I really don't think she needs to go through any more analysis of why and blah, blah, blah. Smiling faces all around telling me how compassionate, sweet, giving she is and so remarkably intelligent in reading, comprehension, spelling, writing, etc. but she misses the mark in math. And so no working with the public schools although it was offered generously. Who's choice was it to make actually? I kept hearing, "it's your choice" but the only choice offered was to leave and not return next school year. We went home and she cried and I held her and told her how much I love her and am so proud of her. I had to go to sleep to get away from the pain since I can't take any drugs or alcohol to medicate myself and as I slept, she cleaned and organized her bedroom.
Dear, wounded child.
Let's see, this will make five schools from preschool to sixth grade now when seventh grade arrives.
So forgiveness is in order but first I need to get myself in order and let God forgive for me. Thank you, Jesus.
Can I please just lay around all summer and be a couch potato? This has been too hard and many casualties on the way. "Lost" friends, lost time, disorganized bills, etc.
What happened to what I wanted to do this summer? The Road Trip to see old Friends!!! Postponed from the late eighties. Will I ever reach my goal?
The sadness within is to be put behind.
Isn't there new stuff out on the market now to heal scars?
I do believe so.
See, I can eventually take it and swallow it without gagging but what about my Daughter?
I am so very tired of the same old thing I have heard since third grade: that she will be a light for others, etc. Don't they have electricity in public schools?
(And I promise to be a thorn in their side, eh, eh......)
No, that is not very nice and I am nice actually but one gets tempted!!!
"Sue them", she cried and I would if I could for her and others but how and wouldn't it just hurt the bigger picture for Christians? Maybe they really don't have much money?!
Why do I feel the wool is being pulled over my eyes? It is so easily done as they take a reading on my emotions that I cannot although try to hide.
May the summer be long, fruitful, healing, healthy and fun for us all.
Dear Diary, don't forget to respond.
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More Blogs by Meredith Dixon
Writing - Monday, May 29, 2006
The End is Coming!!! - Sunday, May 14, 2006
My Son Left Today - Monday, April 10, 2006
Mosaic Time - Sunday, April 09, 2006
Fantasies of Him/Tapestry Incomplete - Tuesday, April 04, 2006
Unraveling the ADD mystery - Saturday, April 01, 2006
Dear Diary, - Thursday, March 02, 2006
The Diagnosis is: - Tuesday, February 21, 2006
A Belated Happy Valentine's Day - Thursday, February 16, 2006
He Won't Look into My Eyes - Sunday, February 05, 2006
Taking a Break and Then On To War!!! - Thursday, February 02, 2006
Rachael, I think we just might make it!!! - Friday, January 27, 2006
My Firstborn Son Is Moving Away - Tuesday, January 17, 2006