May 2004

Background noise: 

 

From Faith like Fire to Faith like Water

 

My life of 41 years has been packed with drama and high adrenaline.  In fact I can safely say that it has been one huge ‘pivotal learning experience’.   

 

Up to this point my faith has been like fire: strong, hot, burning with the intensity of the earth’s core but not focused and trusting enough.  Yet, in the early months of 2004 I faced the most fundamental and most pivotal learning experience of all.  My faith became like water.  It flowed through me in long smooth, cool rivulets filling every crevice, every crease, dampening areas left barren by my faith of fire.  

 

Like so many families since 9/11, my husband and I have suffered many setbacks.  Nevertheless, we have plodded along daily fighting to fulfill our dreams to have a stable, secure and happy life into which we could bring my brother’s twin daughters after his death. My mother became their guardian until we could fulfill our promise to him.  We proceeded to build a foundation as soon as I graduated.  However, second-hand smoke caused a sudden onslaught of asthma (on my part) creating complications.   The illness forced us to relocate to a more expensive place with an independent ventilation system.  Despondent but not broken, we determined to bring the family together.

 

Throughout these troubling times I wrote, publishing 2 books in 1 year, even as I dealt with raising my rambunctious daughter and with a debilitating health problem, which was difficult to diagnose.  Life seemed bleak.

 

In January 2004 my husband came home with a proposition. Job opportunities were opening in his company overseas.  With the advent of outsourcing, he was worried his job was at risk because of Indian labor.  He decided to position himself to be marketable in the future.  After much discussion we decided moving to Japan would be a welcome, positive change for our family.  Although on the other side of the world from our families we thought, as a contemporary West Indian/African-American family who practiced Japanese Buddhism, there was a chance we could succeed.

 

After 6 months of intensive long-distance interviews, my husband was chosen from 100 candidates.  Bursting at the seams with joy we began the process of transitioning. The months leading up to our success were not easy.

 

In spring illness struck when a virus swept through our home for months, from colds, fevers to rashes and my asthma attacks.  Through it all we were sustained by our Buddhist practice, which emphasizes inner strength and awareness.  This is much needed especially when one is making a major change in one’s life such as uprooting and relocating to Japan.  The practice warns that the negative functions in one’s environment will rise up against one as one seeks to drastically change one’s karma through courageous action.  Illness was one of the manifestations of such a gargantuan change.

 

The last weeks of March leading up to April 01, 2004 (the 7^th year after my brother’s passing) brought debilitating change.  Every anniversary since he passed I became paralyzed and depressed until after the Easter holiday, which was when he was interred.  Year after year I dreaded this period, helpless; fearing the inevitable.  This time it was worse and at the end I decided ‘NO MORE!!!’  But I had to acknowledge and confront the problem. I felt guilty and angry about his death because he left me at such a young age and there was nothing I could do to help him.  After deep thought and meditation I finally received my answer. Turning the page of Gary Zukav’s book one morning, I came across the quote, which became my biggest and most ‘pivotal learning experience’: “Let go of what you think is just reward.  Let go.  Trust.  Create.  Be who you are.  The rest is up to your nonphysical Teachers and the Universe.”

 

Meditating upon the deeper meaning of this quote over the last few months helped changed my faith from fire to water.  I called a friend from a Buddhist meeting who specialized in Women’s health and healing.  After briefly telling her my problems we decided on a visit.  One week later I sat in her office experiencing a transformation and reconnection, which reached the depths of my life.  She gave me the tools, through meditation, to reframe and reconnect to my inner, lost child.  By using these techniques on a daily basis I have been able to experience a deep and abiding inner peace, a contentment and self-satisfaction, which was never a part of my life’s vocabulary.  I feel whole, balanced and centered---at last!  Finally, I am learning to let go and to trust, to be creative while remaining steadfast in who I am as I allow my ‘nonphysical Teachers and the Universe’ to carry me through life’s trials and tribulations---faith like water.

 

Today I am much happier.  Life is fuller, more meaningful.  Even though I am overwhelmed and anxious to begin this new phase of my life, I am willing to step out and move into the future while living in the present; not dwelling on my dysfunctional past.  Finally, we are going to be in a position to adopt our twin daughters, bring my mother with us (now she is on her pension) as well as fulfill my goal of living in a Buddhist environment.  I am proud to be in the position to support my husband and youngest daughter.  For once in my life I am pleased to be in the shadows, to let go my dreams of making it as a writer.  Lately I deferred a grant from my country of $10,000.00 to return home and direct my play ‘Shaduhs Uh Voodoo’, something I have worked tirelessly towards for the last 10 years.  Yet, I am happy to ‘let go. Trust. Create’.  There is no need to rush.  I know if I keep creating my day in the sun will come.  I am happy to wait---joyful: with renewed sense of purpose, hope and faith---like water.

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September 12-30

Hello everyone

 

Made it to Japan almost 2 weeks now.  Back online from tonight.  It is now Friday nite we are 13-14 hrs ahead you guys and gals should be into friday morning now. 

 

Well, so far so good.  We are doing well.  Learning our way around and getting around mostly by foot and bus so far.  Keith takes the train to work everyday and says he is getting an excellent workout. 

 

We live in a very upscale neighborhood in Minato-Ku quite close to alot of embassies.  It is so protected that if a truck is parked too long the cops will come.  We can see the back of the Chinese embassy from our balconey.

 

Everyone is well-dressed and well-coiffed here.  Very expensive cars, clothes you name it.  Our apartment is very nice and extremely large about 1,875 square feet with 21/2 baths.  It is like living on Park Ave in New york city.  What an experience!!!

 

Keith lost his wallet with about 50,000 yen about 500USdollars last weekend on the bus and got it back with every cent in it and all of his crdit cards.  We are told that this is typical Japan.  People are so helpful and friendly all the time even though my family (being African-American/West Indian) stands out.  We do not feel weird or like the other Japanese are quite accepting.

 

Today Amaranth was picked up by a modeling agency in Tokyo and should soon be getting calls because she is so different.  They even took my picture with her, so who knows if you will see me in a magazine on some bookstand .  She starts school next Thursday and I have already been to my first PTA meeting (of course I was the only black face in the room but that was ok) .  What is weird is not to be working as someone's housekeeper or babysitter!  Finally, I am on the other side and will probably be hiring a babysitter and housekeeper once life gets more hectic WHO KNEW!!!  Most of the 'helpers' as they are known here in the expatriate community are Philopino.

 

Amaranth's school is really neat.  She will be taking karate, gymnastics and learning Japanese language and culture as well as writing.  English reading and writing is also included in her curriculum.  One of her teachers is from Belgium, one from Japan and one from USA.  Very nice people.  At the PTA meeting we were told where to pick up our kids in case of an earthquake!  What an introduction!!!   I even have my emergency clothes and shoes by my bed in case we are caught in bed late at night.  Someone told us to do this b/c last time big earthquake hit in Kobe many were caught without shoes and this was a bad thing!!!  Will soon be working on my emergency supply of food etc.

 

Japan is a cash society and most transactions are done in cash.  So we have to keep lots of Yen on us in smaller notes especially in case of an earthquake.  We are beginning to speak a few words in Japanese and Amaranth is even beginning to write the symbols. 

 

Everyone takes off shoes here and we have a huge closet at the entrance of our apartment for shoes alone with lots of shelves. 

 

Going to the bathroom is such an experience here.  Everytime you go you are greeted by a different type of commode.  They even have nice ones that do the washing and blowdrying for you WHAT A RIOT!!!   We are very fortunate to have one of these thingamajigs in our master bathroom (now don't be jealous).

 

We have not eatened the same place twice.  In fact we have so many restaurants and convenient food stores around that you do not even have to cook if you do not want to.  So we order in, eat out and have just decided we will take it a day at a time as far as food shopping is concerned.  It is just too much to deal with right now.

 

All in all we love it very much!!!  I am able to dress stylishly once again WHOOPEE!!!

Was getting quite tired of wearing holey t-shirts and frumpy sweatpants!!!  Now I can live like a New Yorker again until the next earthquake comes  Promise to keep you all posted and up-to-date.

 

Peaceanoneluv

 

Cheryl