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Blogs by Kage Alan
Forget Indiana Jones...the Characters I Write Have Sex! (Character Interview 3)
6/30/2009 12:53:33 PM
Are you ready for the final character interview from "Andy Stevenson Vs. the Lord of the Loins"? Allow me to introduce Alan. I don't remember if he has a last name and if he does, it was never a big enough plot point for me to remember anyway. Suffice to say that he's one of two potential suitors Andy (the main character...that much I do remember) meets at school after Christmas. Is there chemistry? You bet! And it's the kind you don't have to study for.
Moi: So, tell me about yourself.
Alan: I was born in England, but one of my parents is American and the other is Chinese. Also, I spend all of my summers in Hong Kong and I'm in the second semester of my freshman year of college.
Moi: Which is when something wonderful happens.
Alan: Something wonderful?
Moi: You start dating Andy.
Alan: 'Dating' is such a strong word. I mean…I know him.
Moi: Aren't the two of you in a relationship?
Alan: One has friendships with gweilos…
Moi: Gweilos?
Alan: White ghosts. Someone like Andy. Like you.
Moi: So you only have friendships with gweilos?
Alan: One doesn't do anything else with the help.
Moi: The help?
Alan: Sure. That whole thing about Asians being subservient and taking care of their gweilo's every whim…it's really just a false sense of security we create to better control you. Ask your partner. He's Asian. He knows.
Moi: Didn't you just get done saying you were half-gweilo, too?
Alan: And that part of me does cause lapses in judgment from time to time.
Moi: So Andy is just a lapse in judgment?
Alan: He is kinda goofy.
Moi: I know. I wrote him that way.
Alan: Don't sound so defensive. Geez. Writers… Anyway, Andy means well, but every time he opens his mouth? Let's face it, something bad happens.
Moi: And yet he seems to like you. Why don't we discuss some of the other characters in the story? Tell me about Miss Kim.
Alan: She scares me.
Moi: Why?
Alan: She likes to hug me and whisper "Oreo cookie" in my ear.
Moi: Okay. (ponders this) Why?
Alan: Why does she do anything? Because her name is Kim. That's the only reason she ever needs.
Moi: (pauses) I'm sorry…we need to go back to something. It really burns my ass that you won't admit how you feel about Andy.
Alan: He's a good guy. There, satisfied?
Moi: As I recall, a major plot point has him defending your honor.
Alan: Okay, a really good guy. Are we almost done? The Golden Girls are on in a few minutes.
Moi: I don't recall writing you to be this difficult.
Alan: My role in life is to rule.
Moi: You mean like my partner with me?
Alan: Absolutely.
Moi: I don't think so.
Alan: Who cooks?
Moi: I do.
Alan: Who cleans?
Moi: I do.
Alan: Who does laundry?
Moi: I do.
Alan: Who folds and irons his clothes.
Moi: He does.
Alan: Don't lie.
Moi: Fine. I do.
Alan: Who's the bottom?
Moi: I... (long pause) Is there a point to this?
Alan: I rest my case and everybody can read about it next month. Oh, and I'll see you all in the third book!
Moi: Your ass can be written out it quite easily.
Alan: Let's ask your partner about that, shall we?
Moi: Grr...
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