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Kage Alan

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Classic Blog Post: Holiday Tales…and btw, the Grandmonster Thinks I’m Christ
9/8/2011 2:44:04 AM

This one brought back a flood of fun memories and I even chuckled a couple of times. Ah, the things my guy says and the things I do. Good times!
Original Publication Date: 12/27/07

The holidays have been a wee bit crazy over here, so I apologize for not sending out a mass bulletin. Hopefully everybody had a terrific Christmas, holiday celebration or whatever it is you do or don’t practice per your beliefs. I believe that’s the PC way of putting it. I gave some very nice gifts out and received some pretty awesome ones, too. The only thing on my list that didn’t find its way to me is the Intrada Limited Edition of the Jaws 3 Soundtrack. Not to worry since I’ll be ordering it. (heh heh)

My Pookie has been home almost a week now and I’ve been loving every inch…sorry, bit of it! Almost. Well, mostly. The majority of it anyway. Everything but one little hitch. It’s been tricky with my weekly shopping trip to Best Buy this week:

Pookie: What do you need? How much is it going to cost?

Okay, I don’t need any of it. It’s so not the point! I want it. Therein lies the issue. Crazy, right? Besides, I have a gift card for Best Buy.

Pookie: Why don’t you save it?

He saves gift cards for 2 years+ and then complains when he discovers the store has started to deduct funds from it due to non-usage. I never have that problem, which is a problem for him. It’s not so much that he couldn’t find something at the store where the card is from is that he has the opportunity to go and get something from there with said gift card whenever he wants…which is never. The whole logic becomes very circular after this.

Pookie: But, if you use it, it’ll be gone.

Grr… And yes, he really says things like that.

In an effort to keep the peace, I sent his Grandmonster the new Josh Groban CD. It soothes the bloodlust in her soul for 45 minutes and allows nearby residents to find a better hiding place. She in turn sent me a Christmas card addressed to Christ. Yup. Christ. My non-author name doesn’t even begin with a ‘Ch’ nor does it end with a ‘t’, yet she somehow manages to write my name that way at least once a year. Maybe I’ll just address her next Christmas card to Satan Chan. Evil doesn’t like being addressed by its real name, so that ought to be a real treat. Oops. Typo!

Speaking of typos, the publisher and I have been working on eliminating a few remaining typos in the new book and I’ve found a few embarrassing references to scenes I’d cut out that had to be smoothed over. The ball is now in their court and the release date I saw for next year puts it out tentatively in June. It’s gonna be cool!

Quick aside here: Does anybody know anyone who uses the phrase “Gouda…like cheese”? My partner picked this little gem up in Kansas City and I can’t seem to break his habit of using it. I gave up trying to show him the difference between how we drive in the rest of the universe versus how Chicago drivers do, but this saying is just grating on my last damn gay nerve.

Oooohhhh, and speaking of gay nerves, we were surfing YouTube last night and came across this guy named Johnny Chen who was on Tyra’s talk show with his white boyfriend. Watching this guy was almost as amusing as hearing him talk. Can we all say “nelly bottom”? He’d been with his boyfriend 3 years, which we thought was terrific, until we heard the boyfriend talk. They were both nelly bottoms! Three years together and neither of them figured out they weren’t having sex? Another gay Asian guy in the audience named Andrew stood up and asked Johnny why he hated himself for being Asian (Johnny professed his desire for his white men). I took the opportunity to look over at Pookie and ask him “So, do you hate yourself?” Suffice to say that it’s a good thing we weren’t on that talk show because Andrew would have been crying after Pookie was done with him.

One last amusing bit is a blurb at the end of the segment that stated Johnny and his boyfriend were no longer together. See? Andrew, who was a bit more butch, must have showed Johnny what he was missing…which is probably posted somewhere on XTube.com. Look for it.

We also learned a valuable lesson this holiday. When somebody you didn’t anticipate buying for tells you that she has something for you, don’t panic and go overboard trying to make up for it. If you didn’t budget for it, see what it is you are getting first not so you can see if it’s cheap or not, but so that you don’t go and spend $50 on wine only to find out she’s giving you a card and two gourmet pretzel sticks. Pookie and I had that discussion.

By the same token, when somebody else you didn’t budget for hands you $200 in gift cards…what do you do? We’re still mulling that one over.

Hmm. Wonder if he’d like a copy of that Jaws 3 Soundtrack…

___________________
Classic Blog Posts are published every Saturday–mostly, unless I forget like I did last week–while new blog posts are (hopefully) scheduled every Monday and Thursday.

Kage Alan lives in a suburb of Detroit, MI with his partner, Pookie, and their fish, all of who are affectionately named and answer to the word “fish.” He is still recovering from his trip to DragonCon in Atlanta where he chatted with some fabulous people and fended the advances of several equally fabulous folks who will remain unnamed to protect their reputations. Kage is the author of A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to My Sexual Orientation, Andy Stevenson Vs. the Lord of the Loins and Gaylias: Operation Thunderspell.


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• Walkabout: Manhattan - Thursday, April 18, 2013
• Dear Self, Let’s Talk About the Last Couple of Months, Shall We? - Monday, April 15, 2013
• CBP: Cheers, Fears and the New Sedaris-Fearing-Gay-Writing Mafia - Saturday, April 13, 2013
• Men, Tetris and Living Life By the 4 ‘H’s - Thursday, April 11, 2013
• Dynasty or Dynastud: The Multiple Soul Mate Quandary - Monday, April 08, 2013
• The Face of Gay 30 (Moxie Ann Magnus) - Saturday, April 06, 2013
• So What Do You Think Happens After? - Thursday, April 04, 2013
• The Rules of Mourning (Or Lack-Thereof) - Monday, April 01, 2013
• Kage Alan & His Flying Robot! - Thursday, March 28, 2013
• Wanted: Outback Steakhouse in the Afterlife - Monday, March 25, 2013
• The Face of Gay…Er…Bi 29 (Wayne) - Saturday, March 23, 2013
• A Voice in the Present Becomes a Voice in the Past - Tuesday, March 19, 2013
• The Waiting Game - Monday, March 18, 2013
• Classic Blog Post: From Finland With Love - Saturday, March 16, 2013
• The Why Behind Why I Blog - Thursday, March 14, 2013


Sidekicks Incorporated by Terry Vinson

In the world of good versus evil, not all heroes wear the white hat.....  
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