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Blogs by Niki Collins-Queen
Making peace with marriage
7/28/2010 2:28:35 AM
Elizabeth Gilbert's memoir “Committed: A Skeptic Makes Peace with Marriage” begins when a U.S. Government Official detains Felipe, Elizabeth's boyfriend, at an American border crossing. They were given a choice: either get married or Felipe would never be allowed to enter the country again.
Since they were sentenced to marry Elizabeth decided it's time to confront her fears and make peace with the idea of matrimony before she jumped into it again.
For the next ten months, while traveling in Southeast Asia with Felipe, a man seventeen years her senior, Elizabeth researched, wrote and talked to others about the befuddling, vexing, contradictory yet stubbornly enduring institution of marriage.
With great wit, wisdom, insight and compassion Elizabeth, at age 37, researched the history of western monogamous marriage and examined the questions of compatibility, fidelity, risk and responsibility.
Her inspirational stories speak to our souls. I particularly resonated with Elizabeth and Felipe's flagging morale after six months of no movement on his immigration case. Separated from his gemstone and jewelry import business in America, Felipe was unable to earn money or make plans.
Feeling powerless and totally dependent on Elizabeth and the U.S. Department of Homeland Security
he became increasingly jittery, irritable and ominously tense. Elizabeth buried her own frustrations under a sunny demeanor. Their tension reached a peak on a twelve-hour bus ride through Laos to an archaeological site. Elizabeth's writing soars in her vivid descriptions of their conflict and the bus ride. Felipe became numb to the unbearable heat and the manic aggression and near collisions of the bus driver who almost dumped them over cliffs.
Trying to defuse the tension Elizabeth tried some practical strategies from her past to resolve the dispute. Felipe finally broke through their heated silence by taking her hand and suggesting they be careful. “Being careful” is their code for practicing preemptive conflict resolution. He explained how when people get tired fights happen. Choosing words carefully can arrest an argument before it begins.
Her insight, honesty and openness about their relationship is breathtaking.
Elizabeth's observation that most of us have a “default emotion” is fascinating. She shared how her Cambodian guide had a default emotion of quiet disapproval. After two days she could barely open her mouth she felt so foolish, pathetic and bloodless.
She uses the story of her own life to explore why many American's get married and divorced more often than any other nation. She says American society believes in two completely contradictory ideas about marriage. Both have their origins in ancient Greek and Hebrew thinking. From the Greeks we inherited our ideas about secular humanism, the sanctity of individual democracy, equality, personal liberty, scientific reason, intellectual freedom and open mindedness. From the Hebrews we inherited tribalism, faith, obedience and respect. The Hebrew credo is clannish, patriarchal, moralistic, ritualistic and suspicious of outsiders. The collective is more important than the individual, morality is more important than happiness and vows are inviolable. Hebrew thinking sees the world as a clear play between good and evil, right and wrong with God firmly on “our” side. There's no gray area. Elizabeth says American society is an amalgam of both. Our legal code and sense of fairness is mostly Greek and our moral code and sense of justice in mostly Hebrew.
“Committed” is a passionate, intelligent, important book written by a woman who knows suffering and redemption. Her story is our story in it's rich humanity, humor and zest for life.
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