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Part 4; the Paperboy threatened by Chihuahua lovers
1/31/2011 11:24:27 AM
Local paperboy threatened by California Chihuahua Lovers.
Well, they is fussing at me again, You know some folks just can't take somebody like a 12 year old paperboy setting 'em straight. Yep, it's another gripe from them California Chihuahuas lovers. Heck, this one is from the President. Naw, it ain't the president of the United States, just the president of the Chihuahua Lovers of Lower California. Just check out this high-faluttin' whining:
It has been brought to my attention that you have been disseminating libelous and nefarious references to our beloved breed of dogs, the Chihuahuas. Your inaccurate, unsupported comments have caused widespread nervous palpitations of the most severe nature among our members.
We consider these disparaging remarks something that must not go unchallenged. Therefore I regret to inform you that we have created the Chihuahua Defense Fund in order to exact justice on riffraff such as you. We will be contacting your attorney and the Arkansas Game and Fish Commission forthwith. The very idea of having a hunting season on Chihuahuas is repugnant to any civilized society. Evidently Arkansas is lacking in such.
And for your information, you ignorant hick. You can't have a 'Half Uncle.'
Hampton Broadway Jennings IV
President, Chihuahua Lovers of America, Beverly Hills Chapter
Whoa, after I went to the dictionary, I was so mad I could bite nails. Course, I didn't need no dictionary for "ignorant hick." So here's my answer to that nutty California Chihuahua lover.
Dear Mr. IV
The stuff you said about me, Chihuahuas and Arkansas is just plain baloney; something so bad my cat wouldn't bury. So listen up Mr. IV cause I'm gonna tell you how the cow ate the cabbage. First off, yes I do have a half uncle. My Half Brother Rabbit, who lives down near Buck Snort, said it like this, "Richard, if you're my half brother, and Uncle Snort is my uncle, then Uncle Snort is your half uncle. It can't be no other way." So take that Mr. Big Shot.
Now let me tell you about Arkansas's wild Chihuahuas. Uncle Snort told me that them California Chihuahuas is domesticated, whatever that means. Arkansas Chihuahuas is the real thing. They has lived in the Ouachita River bottoms for hundreds of years, ever since they escaped from Herman De Soto. Them California dogs ride around in baby buggies with little ribbons on their head and eat special dog food, while the Arkansas Chihuahuas is roaming the river bottoms in packs---like miniature wolves---hunting for food. Uncle Snort told me it's the durnest thing you ever did see is when a pack of them little dogs takes down a full grown hog. Course it takes a really big pack---maybe as many as a hundred. Uncle Snort said them dogs just nips that hog's feet until it tumps over and then, just like them South American fish, a 100 or so Chihuahuas swarm all over that hog, and in just minutes they gobbles up that pig like nothing you've ever seen.
And yes they is a hunting season on Chihuahuas in Arkansas. But let me warn you, hunting Chihuahuas ain't as easy as it sounds. People is still talking about Bob Robert Blevins, who was Chihuahua hunting and come upon a super pack---like maybe 300---of them dogs. He blasted away with his AK 47 (yeah, an AK 47---it's the state gun of Arkansas) and plugged a couple, and was about to stick 'em in his hunting vest, when one of them let out a dying squeak. Course, Bob Robert just stuffed the dog in his hunting vest and let it squeak. That was a big mistake, 'cause the rest of the pack's ears just went straight up and the whole bunch charged him. Folks heard him screaming a mile away and his AK 47 just went crazy and it sounded like a major war was going on; 'cept he run out of ammunition. I won't upset you with every little thing, but all they ever found of old Bob Robert was his orange vest, a Razorback baseball cap and some white bones. Yeah, it was a little upsetting, especially at the visitation before the funeral, when the local Game Warden gave Mrs. Blevins a ticket 'cause old Bob Robert was over the limit.
Now, Mr. IV, if you don't believe me, 'bout Arkansas having a Chihuahua season, check out the Huttig Junior League cookbook under wild game recipes. Oh, yeah, my favorite way to cook Chihuahuas is chicken-fried.
And about that lawyer thing. This is what Uncle Snort said, "Tell him to come see me, and I'll whip his a**.
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More Blogs by R. Harper Mason
Update on the Richard Series - Thursday, September 27, 2012
What's the funniest of the Richard, the Paperboy Series? - Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Part 3, The great roach trick - Tuesday, March 01, 2011
8000 roaches, an evil doctor and his floozy nurse---part 2 - Monday, February 21, 2011
An evil Doctor, his nurse and 8,000 roaches - Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Richard the paperboy--Chihuahuas and fights - Tuesday, February 08, 2011
Huttig Junior League Chihuahua Receips - Thursday, February 03, 2011
Part 4; the Paperboy threatened by Chihuahua lovers - Monday, January 31, 2011
America's new Mark Twain? - Friday, January 28, 2011
Part 3, Attack by a pack of Chihuahuas - Thursday, January 27, 2011
Part 2--Paperboy attacked by wild Chihuahuas - Monday, January 24, 2011
Richard the Paperboy - Wednesday, January 19, 2011