Blogs by Blondie Clayton
What Women Want to Tell Men. . . But Can't
8/29/2007 8:23:46 PM
The truths that women hide from their mates can be destructive to the relationship
ďI didnít know about all these things happened to my wife until I read her book.Ē My third husband did not find out about all of my past until I wrote my first book. The first husband never knew. Oh, how I wish I could tell him that on the day of our intimacy, my virginity had already been taken by a grandfather. As I page through the pages of my first book I am reminded of all the signs of something wrong in my life, that only I knew.
Much confused me about my upbringing, such as being fussed over by my grandparents. I was not the only child but I was the oldest. How my grandmother thought everything I did was cute, even though it was destructive. Like the time she bought me a pair of shoes she thought I would like and I sat there in front of her and my mother, took a knife and cut the soles off. My grandmother laughed and my mother never reprimanded me.
Some people thought I was going to grow up spoiled at the hands of that set of grandparents, especially, my grandmother. And then my parents separated and we went to live with my fatherís parents. I saw my grandmother discipline my younger brother and sisters but she let me get away with stuff.
At times I wanted to lord over my siblings but somehow in my heart I knew that was wrong, just like I knew there was something wrong with my grandmotherís gifts and lack of reprimand.
What was she covering up? It is not unusual for grandparents to be overly generous with their grandchildren.
I grew up confused, trying to understand the adults and their relationship to me. And then she died, had a heart attack. . . and my world changed forever.
I was a mother before I even knew what you did to become a mother. I became a house keeper. I gave up girly stuff and my emotions became that of an adult. So pardon me if I donít want to be anybodyís mama.
Or if I become a mama too soon in life. If I seem mature for my age, it isnít by choice. If at times I act like a child, please forgive me, Iím having flashbacks, trying to get back there. But slowly realizing it won't come back. Innocence gone. Because two people who were supposed to instruct and guide us decided they didnít love each other any more. . . Just didnít know how it would impact this little girl.
Can I trust you, honey? Or will you abandon me like my daddy? Is marriage for me? It seems like people are selfish and self-centered. My parents were. If I had a choice I would have wanted them to remain together, give up their lives, commit it to raising us, but it never happens like that, does it?
The first two husbands never knew the turmoil I felt every day of my life. They probably didnít care. I have been such a good actress. How would they know? They were cheated. You canít give what you donít have.
How would they know why I went into a foul place at times, moody? Sometimes jealous. Other times trying to push them away, afraid they would leave.
Stay tuned for more. . .
Post a Comment
More Blogs by Blondie Clayton
My Blogs - Saturday, August 21, 2010
What Women Want to Tell Men. . . But Can't - Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Step Parenting Tips: If You're Not Ready Don't Start! - Tuesday, August 14, 2007
My Fatherís Death Unleashed Memories I Thought I Had Conquered - Thursday, July 05, 2007
I Once Was Afraid of Dying But Not Any More! - Monday, October 30, 2006
A 19-year Old Father Who Never Gave Up And What His Daughter Has To Say - Wednesday, September 20, 2006
Crossing While Black: Are Railroad Authorities Targeting Minorities - Monday, September 18, 2006
Angry Moments!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! - Thursday, August 24, 2006
The Power Of Words - Friday, July 21, 2006
Family Reunion: Preserving Spirituality - Wednesday, July 19, 2006
A Little Talk With My Father Today - Friday, July 14, 2006
Kind Acts Can Become Contagious - Monday, July 10, 2006
What Do You Know About "Blondie"? - Thursday, June 29, 2006
My Heart Breaks - Tuesday, June 20, 2006
23-Things That "Ruffle My Feathers"--And Adding - Monday, June 19, 2006
Your Burden Maybe The Key To Your Purpose Driven Life - Thursday, June 15, 2006
The Joy Of Living With Purpose - Wednesday, June 14, 2006