WEDNESDAY, JUNE 11, 2008 09:46 PM, CDT

God chose for us to have to have the injection again. the seed was still there. esa did not do good today. she was in alot of pain afterward from 10:30 till about 2:00 she cried, and cried. so they finally hooked her up to a morphine iv. that calmed her down for about 2 hours, then she started throwing up. she was sick the rest of the day. she threw up more than before, so we are going to talk to our doctor tomorrow to see what we can do to help her with that. today was one of the toughest days to deal with. esp, spiritually for me. i had high hopes again, just to have my prayers answered 'no'. it just makes me wonder. i dont really know what to pray for now. but i know that i cant stop. there are so many things that i need to pray for, there are so many things that God has to do miracles for. i want to give up, satan wants me to believe that it's all made up, and when God seems so distant, and not a part of what is going on, it's easy to think that way. i just wanted this week to be different. right now, esa is laying beside me. her eye is completely swollen shut, and she hasnt eaten anything all day. for the past 8 hours she has only slept and threw up. today they told us that if we moved her chemo up two hours, it would kill her. it doest make me comfortable knowing that if she got this drug put into her every 22 hours, she would die. round 8 is our hardest one yet. our eye doctor told us that this injection will be harder than last time, because there is more toxicidy involved this time. thats why her eye was swollen shut within 5 hours this time. last time it wasnt shut till the next day. all this going on just makes everything with my brother seem so much harder to bare.