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Blogs by Robert A. Mills
SHORT PEOPLE
8/4/2009 5:47:05 AM
Some unidentified souls have petitioned the FCC to ban the word “midget” from all radio and TV broadcasts under government control, which is almost all transmissions utilizing the frequencies of AM, FM and TV bands that go out over the air. These petitioners apparently feel “midget” is a derogatory term that undermines the status of little people who deserve more respect and less profiling.
The fine folks at Merriam-Webster tell me a midget in the noun form is “a very diminutive person, and in the adjective form like a midget in size; very diminutive, hence its usage as a synonym for ‘miniature,’ as with cars.” The word, incidentally, comes from “midge,” meaning a sand fly; add the suffix “-et,” meaning little or small and there you have it: midget.
Anyway, they want the word eliminated from the American broadcasting lexicon, and the FCC will, in all likelihood, acquiesce to their wishes. I am not aware of what substitute they would like, but I have heard “dwarf” is out of the question, its Merriam-Webster synonym status notwithstanding. According to Little People of America (a non-profit organization begun in 1957 that may be behind the petition,) dwarfism is a “medical or genetic condition that usually results in an adult height of [roughly] four feet seven inches or shorter.”
This all came to mind the other day when a former colleague reminded me of the time many years ago when the radio station we were working for received a citation from the FCC because I had used the word “martini” on the air. I think I made some casual (and unoriginal) remark at the end of the show that I wanted to “hurry home, get out of these wet clothes, and into a dry martini.” Possibly someone from the local temperance union who was unfamiliar with Robert Benchley went into apoplexy and contacted the FCC.
The result was that I received a memo from the front office informing me the citation carried a stern warning (first offence.) If it happened again, there would be a substantial fine (deductible from my unsubstantial salary,) and the third malfeasance would result in my dismissal. All because of the word “martini.”
I have often pondered the significance of this. What is it about “martini” that would corrupt my listeners? Of course, a martini is most certainly a cocktail—ah, perhaps there’s the rub! CockTail. What mean ribaldry have I been so bold to blather?
No, that can’t be it. James Hogg wrote in 1821: “Cock up your beaver and cock it fu’ sprush . . . ” I thought of reciting the entire poem the next day, but our general manager, Paul Louther, talked me out if it.
And what about Shakespeare? How many citations would he have received for “Taming of the Shrew” had the Globe been tethered to a Saturday afternoon with Milton Cross and the Texaco Theater?
Petruccio: Come, come, you wasp, i’faith you are too angry.
Katherine: If I be waspish, best beware my sting.
Petruccio: My remedy is then to pluck it out.
Katherine: Ay, if the fool could find where it lies.
Petruccio: Who knows not where a wasp does wear his sting? In his tail.
Katherine: In his tongue.
Petruccio: Whose tongue?
Katherine: Yours, if you talk of tales, and so farewell.
Petruccio: What, with my tongue in your tail?
With puns like these abounding o’er the footlights, it’s no wonder G.B. Shaw coined the word “Bardologist” for anyone taken in by and admiring the works of ol’ Bill. Shaw himself, while appreciating the craft of Shakespeare’s poetic theatrics, was not a fan. In fact, he called him a “narrow-minded, middle-class man.” According to a report in The London Chronicle (in 1905) Shaw said, “Shakespeare the writer was not God. Shakespeare the man was not an illiterate, good-for-nothing blackguard. Both were comprised in a thorough middle-class gentleman of my own profession.”
So there. No more maligned midgets and no more mundane martinis. I’m going to ring for my four foot, five-inch houseboy and request he bring me a martini. Three parts Tanqueray; a droplet of Dolin Dry. Shaken, not stirred (or is it the other way around?)
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