1.  If you learned you had only 120 days left to live, how would you spend those days?  I sometimes think those with a terminal prognosis and an estimated time left, can have a "good death" and so I'd go about doing the usual things that would help those I loved, and am leaving behind, to transition into my not being around.  So, this would involve lots of family moments, trips or whatever, as well as time to "tear things down" and distribute the parts of myself that are material in some respects, but in the hands of those I love would be important touchstones so as to continue our relationship in a spiritual sense. 

2. What is your favorite saying?  Is there any diet Pepsi left?  I know, this is more of a question, than a saying, but for me it's the equivalent of "Good morning, everyone, let’s start our day." 

3. What is your greatest fear? Another stroke, only worse this time.  Or it will be in traffic again and mega-worse case scenario for everyone involved. 

4. What historical person do you most admire--and why? For some reason I can't answer this.  As far as historical or "famous" people go, I think you tend to align with one, "as if" they publically bring forth qualities you can identify with, and you wish you were as strong or outspoken or talented or special as they were, or appeared to be, and then 2-seconds later you hate them for those same qualities.  This could be a f***ed up version of the mirror-mirror-on-the-wall phenomenon.  Dunno. Be it ever so humbling to try and name such a person and then not change your mind two seconds later.  

5. What living person do you most admire--and why? For some reason, this question would have a different answer every day, as life would be nothing if you didn't see in people some admirable quality that puts them on the top of your list every new day.  You know, like you are always glancing over and realizing a quality in a total stranger that you find absolutely remarkable, and so later you remark to someone about it.  Kind of like this mental tally list of random acts of admire-ablity you see on a daily basis.  If you go three days in a row without seeing a person with an admirable quality, you start feeling really doomed. 

6. On what kind of occasions do you lie? About my weight, if it is under what it should be.  About whether or not I’ve “napped.”  For some reason, I feel like I’m not allowed to sleep except when widely accepted ... like at nighttime.  Freaky, I know. 

7. What living person do you most despise--and why? Blankety Blank.  This self-righteous bitch knows exactly who she is and why I hate her, because she hates me for all the same reasons.  It's a mirror-mirror-on-the-f***ing-bloody-wall kind of thing. 

8. At what time in your life were you the happiest you can remember being? When I was 14 and 38.  I think those were my peak biking years, when I felt all legs and didn't care, really free.  I have also felt akin to the theory that "you are at 80 who you were at age 8."  I can't remember where I heard that phrase, but it's kind of stuck with me over the years.  I guess, I would agree that when you are about 8 years old, you are pretty free and uninhibited.  And I do look forward to being 80, for that same reason. 

9. What is your favorite journey so far? Last night I made it to the bathroom in the dark without stubbing, bumping or breaking anything. 

10. What is your greatest extravagance to date? Every 2 or 3 weeks I get a manicure.  I started doing this on advice of a friend, after I was hospitalized two years ago.  It was supposed to be a "pick-me-up."  I've continued since.  The reason I go every 2 or 3 weeks, though, is I'm not a giant "social" person and so some days I feel like I can't "deal" with the idle chit-chat of the nail appointment, so I cancel and extend it out to the 3-week mark.  However, I've grown to love my nail technician and look forward to our now every 2-week bull sessions.  We laugh so hard, I'm surprised she still has a job and I'm surprised I don't leave the place with polish splattered all over. 

11. What is your most prized possession? Good question.  I guess we'll have to wait until I have 120 days left to live and I start dividing up the household among those I love.  We'll see what everyone fights over, as my "prized possessions" are probably their "prized possessions" and "touchstones" as well.  There will be a push-me-pull-me/I-guess-we'll-have-to-share argument over several key items such a "talking alarm" clock we affectionately call "grandma” and my bracelets which won’t come off until I die.

12. What is your greatest talent--and which talent would you most like to have? Words, but I wish I could dance. 

13. What words or phrases do you overuse?  "Shut up!"  For some reason, it's become the catch-all phrase when someone too close to home.  When said, though, it comes across as "I love you, too."  Weird, I know, because I would never actually tell someone to “shut up.” 

14. What is your greatest regret?  Not being more aggressive versus assertive.  I think at times "aggression" might have served me better than its panty-waisted counterpartner in crime, "assertiveness."  I hate being too shy and turned inside my own head.  I've let some beaten down/post-traumatic stuff in my past really stunt my growth.  At 42, I'm still about 11 and pretty nervous all the time.  If I move too fast, I break stuff, and that stops me dead.  In the future, I think I should haul off, move real fast, and break whatever is in my path … for a limited time of course, until the point when I feel as if I've actually gotten somewhere. 

15. What do you most like and dislike about your appearance? I love my hair, but I hate my hair.  I usually keep it long and wild and freaked out wavy, but just recently trimmed it way back!!!!!  It's a "cleansing" thing I do to "start over" with a fresh growth of really healthy hair.  However, I hate the in-between stage.  Shorter hair requires more "styling" and I'm absolutely not a "big time in front of the bathroom mirror" type person, so the in-between stage is annoying.  Thankfully, my hair grows fast, so this period will be short-lived. 

16. How do feel right now--ie, what is your current state of mind? Fucked up inside my own head, really burnt out from work over the last three weeks, stunted, bummed ... which is why I dug up this stupid 20-question thing to get things moving again. 

17. What do you consider your greatest achievement? Answering these 20 questions, and staying in the upright versus supine position. 

18. What two people living or dead would you most like to spend some time talking to? My grandmother.  I hate that she is dead.  I feel like I'm still running things by her in my head.  And also my grandfather, her husband, because he was dead before I was born.  I dreamt about him once two years ago, after she had died.  They were both in my dream, but seemed to be standing right in front of me.  He nodded to her after giving me careful regard and then, together, they extended their arms and handed me a coat.  I wish they'd come back and tell me where I was supposed to go with the coat ... some place warm with it draped over my shoulder or some place cold where I'd have to wear it?!?!?!?

19. What two qualities in people do you most admire and value? Brutal honesty and a sense of humor. 

20. What do you think is the most important life question? How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?