My son was removed from my home on April 2^nd, 2007,

and sent to live with his grandmother - which was considered temporary foster care. There could have been alternatives. I have been trying to retake possession of my boy for 14 ½ months. After fifteen months pass, a person can lose his or her parental rights, forever.  It seems that the system was pitted against me. I'd become manic-depressive, or bipolar, through no fault of my own, and although I was accused of neglect, I believe I acted responsibly in caring for James. Allegation equals fact, in peoples' minds. Though the circumstances were difficult, I would never let any harm come to my 7-year-old baby. This holds true whether I'm manic, sped up, somewhat delusional, or mentally and physically well. My good character and love for my boy are unchanging.

The worst neglect for which I'm guilty is getting James late to school 34 times throughout the school year (which includes the majority of times he was only five to ten minutes late (absent 4 times). The school secretary had assured me that my son's tardiness was not a problem, as long as he was present every day. Naturally, I was formally accused of 50+ times late (exaggeration courtesy of the court). Also, I did use the TV too much as a babysitter. I was not always available to James, and it was not good for him to see me in a compromised state of mind. I know it affected him adversely.  However, he was so young he didn't realize that anything was "wrong" with his mom, he poorly understood any difference in my behavior.  I made sure he was fed and put to bed on time and brought to school every day, late or on time. I drove him to hockey lessons on Saturdays, and played with him outside in the yard. He and I talked all the time, though sometimes I was so absorbed in my own thoughts I didn't respond to him.  I was guilty of all of these things.

As for myself, my difficulties functioning and staying focused on the external world, I found it necessary to recruit my father and his wife to come over and help me watch the boy. They played hockey with him in the driveway, and brought lunch. I continued, as I always have (for more than twenty years), to take my medications diligently (though for some reason they stopped working), and when I saw the beginnings of a potentially serious problem, I signed myself into a psychiatric hospital (which unfortunately failed to halt the illness). I had done the right thing, and was not given the help I needed. For over 17 years, I was stable and doing fine. I never expected this dreaded phenomenon to resurface.

I was hospitalized twice after that. The third and final time had occurred at a lovely, opportune time - when Child Protective Services was at my door - for the umpteenth time. It seemed that every few months they made an appearance, and in every instance the case was closed as unfounded. It reached a point where I could no longer tolerate the harassment. I phoned the new caseworker to explain that her behavior revealed her masturbation fantasies, and repeatedly called her a masturbator and a lesbian. This did not help my situation. Child Protection had never stopped investigating me until they finally found something.

However, what I've learned about Family Court and the System in general is that it's heavily based on prejudice and ignorance. I acknowledge some validity to their point of view, but their injustices outweigh their concern for my child. I have since recovered (or rather, continue on the road to recovery, if you will) - as of a year ago now - and have still not regained custody of my child. In my opinion, the System transformed a serious problem into a devastating catastrophe. It ought to be considered a test of my stability - and my son's as well. The extreme length of time my boy and I have had to wait to be reunited has been excruciatingly sad, frustrating, disappointing, demeaning - and I most definitely perceive this as incompetent and unjust.

James only wants his Mom back, to return home - and for his Grandma to piss off. He and I have such a strong bond, that the arrogant bastards, so far, have been unable to break it. The System as a hole does not know me as a person. They know only what others have written and passed on to them, in dehumanizing technical terms. Their language is highly stereotypical, evidence that they are as knowledgeable and cognizant as the pea at the center of their otherwise solid bone craniums would allow. As lawyers, they know little about mental illness. They come in contact with the rare exceptions, people who have committed some heinous crime or tragic act, and are not aware of the general population of mentally ill that don't. As for myself, I did no harm to my son, neither deliberately or unknowingly (though the latter could be argued). James is a strong child, (I deserve much credit for making him that way) who supported his Mom throughout her illness and hard times. The boy is a bona fide angel.

In addition, these lawyers (as well as the population in general) read stories in the newspapers about the horrifying, violent acts committed by that small group of "sick" people, who give everybody else a bad name, and bring about further stigmatization. Peaceful individuals like me, and the vast majority of those with psychiatric disorders, are seldom heard from. We don't make the headlines. But we are demonized and persecuted just the same.

I came close to being put through a "psychiatric examination" (a proposal/demand made by the Law Guardian and County Lawyer), which would have cost me many wasted months, and put me more intensively under their magnifying glass. What does someone do when she is cornered, enraged, and helpless? How is it even possible to "give up?" What form would it take? I'd thought about going postal, but that's not for me - I don't want to become the monster they are. And my son was too important to me to just let it all go to shit - and lose. I wanted so desperately to win my baby back.

The Permanency Hearings are scheduled every six months, and the next comes up on a Friday the 13th. My Social Services caseworker, who has spent time with me and knows me personally - that I'm a genuine human being - a mom who "would rather harm herself than her child" - is now finally recommending that my son be returned home. (What took her so long to make the request? She's intimated and afraid of the Court referee, for one.) I don't expect any opposition from my boy's Law Guardian, or the County's lawyer. They've changed their minds about me, surprisingly. I believe my son and my mother talked sense to the Law Guardian. My fear and anxiety is the referee - the woman who acts as bench - who is highly conservative, greedy for power, short-tempered, and persistently intimidates lawyers, caseworkers, and respondents alike. She makes decisions precipitously, and has been known to act punitively. There is no telling what she'll do at the Permanency Hearing. I hope she's in a good mood that morning, not on the rag, and that the day being Friday the 13th doesn't tempt her to give me bad luck.

I hope to provide the general public with a glimpse into the goings-on of the Family Court system (as well as griping, groaning, pissing, and moaning):

It's absolutely true that cocaine and heroin addicts, for example, whose children are found to have the drug in their bloodstreams, have their kids returned to them long before I ever have or will - even though they haven't changed their lifestyles. The same with abusers: parents who have beaten their kids, put cigarettes out on their skin, (and I'll say no more, it's too sickening), get their children back sooner than the mentally ill. Some unfortunate manic-depressives, and most of all (God forbid!) schizophrenics, will never regain custody. Those with psychiatric disorders are brutally stigmatized. The drug-dependent are stigmatized as well, for that matter, but they're several notches above schizophrenics and those with bipolar disorder.

In general, if you're mentally ill, you're the last to retake possession of your children (if at all), second-to-last if you're a drug addict or alcoholic, and first to get them back if you've beaten, abused, and tortured your kids.  Other matters, such as an unsanitary home, or extreme neglect due to such issues as a heavy workload or other stressors, end in the rebuilding of your happy home quickly, as long as the problems are resolved.  Just read the appropiate sections in the newspapers.  

Again, drug addicts who can't, or won't, stop using (proven by blood or urine tests or self-disclosure) retake possession of their kids after a modest length of time. And there are a great many parents who practice defiance, who refuse to go through hoops for these people. They will not live under threat and be told what to do. Until or unless they stop ignoring demands, they will perhaps lose their kids - forever. The menu is essentially the same for each and every one of us snagged by the System. Those who are 'repeat offenders' are much more likely to lose their children permanently, if a second time comes around (which is likely to occur, if it's already happened once). If there's a third time, they can pack their kids' bags for the last time. And Child Protective Services tirelessly continues their vigilance and harassment. They have an important job to do, but they need to show up at the right houses, where children actually need them, but they seem incapable of this. Neglected babies die of pneumonia, while CPS polices people who are good, responsible parents.

Also, the "one size fits all" remedy is laughable. Solutions need to be tailored for each individual. For example, every Respondent is required to take a parenting class. I was always an AWESOME parent! (It's bipolar disorder I have, you idiots!) But the System, perhaps, lacks the resources, and many of the men and women involved appear to be too stupid. They buy into the game; they believe these practices are beneficial, righteous, and correct. It unsettles my heart and makes my eyes tear. Mostly, I feel for the children. They are the greatest victims. We need to be aware of the Family Court System's injustices, if there's any hope it will ever change. Advocacy for the mentally ill, for one, I believe, is necessary. Also, drug addicts need to be regarded as human beings, as people of equal value to any other people.

Most notably, Jennifer Wilczewski, (name changed) from Catholic Charities, was in charge of my "supervised visits" with James for many months. I saw her as haughty, critical, and it seemed she had a need to insert a number of negative "observations" about me into all of her reports. She was meticulous. She'd write a few sentences regarding the positive, then go off expanding on the negative aspects, as if she derived some kind of enjoyment or pleasure from it. All the other parties involved submitted evaluations that were 100% positive. I believe Jennifer thought she was particularly astute, and ostensibly always right. Appealing to logic, and giving her the facts, was almost never effective. It seemed to me that she regarded herself as superior, as if she was in a different class of people from the human beings under her supervision. However, the meetings with Jennifer came to an end when I obtained "unsupervised visitation," followed by weekend "overnights" and babysitting. Every time I think about the day I first made headway in court, and Catholic Charities proceeded to close my case, it gave me immense joy and relief that Jennifer was out of my life.

There is so much more I could say - I could bitch and stew for days - but I'll spare the reader more of my anger and pain.

And so, this is a summation of my upcoming EVENT. I felt that I had to get some facts out. If anyone can protest, or if anyone can destroy/improve the Family Court system - hey, show up at the court building! I would be extremely grateful. Comments/responses would be much appreciated and helpful. Thanks for reading, and sharing your valuable time.