The Popcorn Chronicle

I am at the movies with a big bag of popcorn and a big drink trying to navigate between the narrow seats. It is awkward.
The movie has started and I am squeezing down the aisle facing the rear of the movie theater and then it happens.

I step on the foot of a woman and the popcorn tilts and much of it lands right in the lap of the lady. I gasp "I am sorry," and reach down to try brush the popcorn from her lap.
My hand trembles because in this process I step on her foot again. More of the popcorn spills right down her front and some of the drink as well.

She jumps up and bumps me and the popcorn flips and popcorn is now on her husband and the people in the next row up.

Pandemonium and the usher is there with a huge flash light inquiring what is going on.

The lady stammers that "he put his hand in my lap."
This is beginning to look bad.

The usher gives me the masher look and I deny everything.
I put my wife in front of me saying "She is the only woman I mash."

The mashee and her husband shake off the popcorn and the big gulp and and try to eject the popcorn from her purse-preparing to leave the crime scene for CSI.

The two go toward the aisle stepping on the toes of everyone in my row and I stand there waiting for the usher to finish reporting the incident on his walkie-talkie.
The buttery couple finally get to the aisle and then the usher motions for me to follow him.

This is bad.

I wait for the couple to finish their under-the-breath curses and then slowly merge toward the aisle with my wife clutching my coat-tail, sure we are going to jail.

Inside the office the usher laughs and laughs and we go next door for coffee with two free passes for the next show.

The Country Connection

I am waiting for a movie and go looking for a Irish pub that had an Irish motif and decent food.
The bar is gone and has been replaced and was now under new management. It is now a Country western bar.
I go the the juke box and looking at all of the songs, most of which I have no idea what they sound like.

I am there minutes and suddenly a voice says in a drawl
"How long you gonna take at that box? This is my only day off."

There is the no music, voices can be heard clear as a bell, dramatic silence is now in the room. Everyone looks up, the bartender looks at me and the guy at the bar and smells trouble.

I turn from my music selection process to have a look at my interlocutor and decide to utilize my conflict resolution skills.
I wave my hand dramatically over the glass-enclosed music selections and step toward the bar saying slowly:

"If you know these tunes you could get up here and help me out. You pick'em and I'll pay for 'em"

Not being a fool the bar stool guy gets up after downing his drink and says
"Throw in another round for me and you got a deal"

And that is how I saved the Western World.