Fitting in with the Misfits
Sunday, September 12, 2004 8:16:00 AM
by Joe McCarthy
|Meet me at the meeting.
Vomit entered the room and ran down the left side of the table to hurry and sit in the chair next to Headache. On the other side of the table, directly across from them, sat Upset Stomach and Diarrhea. They were all seated as near as possible to the chairman's desk.
Hangover was chairing the meeting this night. Behind him hung a sign on the wall that read, "Sickies Up Front."
Jack Daniels was the speaker. His brother Charlie Daniels sat at the back of the room beside their old grand dad. Charlie and the old guy wore boots and spurs on their outstretched legs and ten-gallon hats tipped back on their heads. They relaxed with a southern comfort that comes easy only too cowboys.
As usual, the middle eastern woman, Beer Sheba, was foaming at the mouth. Her saliva looked like suds all over the table in front of her.
The bleeding deacon walked in with his wife Bloody Mary. They sat in the seats next to Beer Sheba. Mary's and the deacon's suds were red. He removed an orange screwdriver from his pocket and used it to poke the bubbles in thier spit that was slowly spreading across the wooden tabletop. He liked to watch the bubbles pop.
Seeing the deacon do this, Vomit threw up a high ball so far that it bounced off the ceiling and rolled over the chairman's desk.
Hangover grabbed the gavel, (Headache quickly covered his ears with both hands), and brought it down hard. "Order, order," he said. "Lets start the meeting."
Diarrhea felt embarrassed. He thought the chairman said "Odor, oder." He self-consciously looked away and focused his attention on a fist-sized hole in the wood paneled wall that Harvey Wallbanger made one night in a rage of anger.
The chairman was about to ask Sherry to read the black and blue card, but changed his mind when he saw her mad dog curled up on the floor near her feet. The mad dog had 20/20 vision but was so angry he couldn't see straight. The chairman knew Sherry would whine about it, but he wrote a note to remind himself to ask her not to bring the animal anymore. Hangover didn't want hair of the dog getting on everything.
After they finished with the Preamble, basket-case Eddie Money went around the room with his hat collecting a dollar from each member who had one to give. Eddie had plenty of his own dollars that he bought at the dollar store earlier that afternoon.
Jack was then introduced as the speaker and immediately started telling war stories about Viet Nam, World War II, and Iraq. Eventually the chairman had to interrupt and ask him to keep it on alcohol.
Sick and Tired arrived late because they were at city hall all day trying to legally change their names. They were sick and tired of being Sick and Tired. Sick prefered to be Ill, and Tired wanted to be called Sleepy.
Although they were inseparable as friends, at meetings they rarely sat together. Sick sat down on the folding metal chair next to Upset Stomach while Tired sat in the back of the room and soon fell asleep.
Arriving fashionably late, Dennis The Menace walked in with Mr. Wilson. Dennis was previously under house-arrest for sneaking a quart into court. The judge dropped the case and broke the rest of the bottles. He then sentenced Dennis to ninety in ninety.
Mr. Wilson agreed to be a sponser to Dennis. Although there were no dues or fees, the bill Mr.Wison had in his hand was for the lawyer and court fees.
To take his mind off his dry heaves, Wet Willy (nicknamed because he was a lifeguard) took out his dice and rolled a seven and seven on the rocks. He was promptly asked to remove the rocks from the room so people wouldn't trip over them.
The chairman quickly penciled into the format that there would be no more gambling during the meeting. And for those who are cross-addicted, please leave your crosses at the door.
There were people from all walks of life in this fellowship. At that meeting alone there were three singers, a lifeguard, a farmer, a butcher, a baker, and a candlestick maker. Other members worked at various other jobs. There was even a doctor present.
During the break, farmer John Barley Corn-Dog dumped fruit into a bucket of water. He wanted to have the doctor bob for apples. This was a game he played with his kids back at the farm. Children of the Corn-Dog loved this oldtime game. They were so thrilled with it that just at the mere mention of it they would jump up and down like a bumch of corn nuts.
The chairman came back after the break and kicked the bucket. Water and apples spilled onto the floor. Hangover was so mad that he told farmer John that he would have to leave. The farmer was accused of making a joke out of the meeting.
He refused to leave. Instead, the farmer planted a seed in the mind of the chairman by saying, "Just because I got sober doesn't mean I lost my sense of humor. No harm in a little bobbing for apples. I'll clean up the mess. Try to remember 'Rule 62' mister chairman. Don't take yourself too damn serious.