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Happiness Tip: Relationships 101

It seems logical that like would attract like, but in my private practice as a marriage counselor and psychotherapist, I often see people drawn to their opposite  because it's new and exciting. However, what’s exciting in the newness of romance often becomes unbearable in the constant contact of a long time relationship

If you and your partner don’t have a certain degree of similarity, your relationship will be too stressful to last. On the other hand, if you’re too similar, your relationship could be boring. The excitement and challenge of your relationship comes from your differences; the security and ease of your relationship comes from your similarities.

Here are some relationship dynamics you can learn to understand to overcome challenging differences between you and your partner:

Gender differences

Although times are changing, most men and women are socialized differently as children, and these differences can trip us up in romantic relationships. Women's and men's brains, and therefore language processing and reasoning, are organized differently. Cultural anthropologists theorize that it's because of the different survival skills they needed to learn. They maintain it takes different perception, ideation, cognition and communication skills to raise a baby versus hunting down a mammoth. Whatever the case, the differences can be bridged. The main thing you need to understand is that most women take a meandering mental route, full of emotional (and distracting for men) side trips, which are rich in meaning for the female. It is why research shows that women are so good at multitasking, cooperation and relationshipbuilding, and less focused on reaching a specific goal.

Men value competency and problem solving. Women value intimacy and emotional connection. Women, you may think he's focused entirely on time, power, or money, but what he's really trying to do is create enough security that he can feel safe to let his guard down. Men, you might think she's illogical or irrational, but she's responding to emotional cues you haven't been trained to see.

Different Families and/or Cultures

It's not just that "Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus"  it's that all of us have grown up on different planets. Whatever your family did seems "normal" and "right" to you, and couples can get caught up in arguing about who's right rather than focusing on what will work.

This is especially difficult in mixedculture families. Blended couples have blended children, who need both cultures. Learning to combine traditions, cuisines, and family celebrations can really create a brand new culture that celebrates everyone. When a couple can accomplish this the result is joyful.

Coming Together

When your differences are grating against each other, you need to stop insisting you're right or your partner is wrong, and seek to reestablish your connection. To reconnect, be sure you are listening to each other and understanding your mutual needs and wants. The most powerful thing you can do to keep a marriage strong is form a partnership, a team, where both parties feel respected, cared about, and needed. If you really want to revive your relationship, begin not by complaining about your needs that aren't being met, but by focusing on understanding your partner's needs, and communicating what you want. Once you make the connection, you can begin to work out the issues.

Intimacy Breaks Barriers

Intimacy is the art of making your partner feel understood and accepted. When this feeling is created, barriers fall. Gentle touch, eye contact, a gentle sense of humor, and the right words all create an intimate atmosphere. Commenting positively on your partner's looks or the day's activities will also help. Partners often disconnect when they don't feel interested in each other anymore. When there's a problem with intimacy, a partner who's sympathetic and doesn't make demands can be very healing and appealing.

Four simple steps to create a successful relationship despite your differences:

1. Talk frequently and honestly to each other about your frustrations, about intimacy, about anger, about disappointment, about your appreciation of each other, about the meaning of life, about everything.

2. Strive to work together to solve anything that comes up. Learn to be a team, a partnership. Don't get stuck on who's right or wrong. Instead, focus on what will solve the problem.
3. Keep your connection going through communication, affection, understanding, and mutual concern for one another.

4. Have a sense of humor, give the benefit of the doubt, and lighten up. Try not to react so dramatically, and let small things roll off your back.

When you follow these four steps, your differences won't separate you  they'll excite you. (adapted from The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again (Wiley) © 2010 Tina Tessina


If you want more, here are some related articles you can download from my website at http://tinatessina.com/monthly_column.html



Apology and Forgiveness
Asking for What you Want
Aspects of Love
Couples Can Cooperate for Success
Creating Unconditional Love
Dating Guidelines for Single Parents
Fair Fight Guidelines
Family Meetings
Family Violence Q&A
The Fine Art of “Squirrel Hunting”
Gentle Persistence
Getting to Yes
Guidelines for Being Understood by Your Partner
Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely
Guidelines for Successful Dating
Handling The GreenEyed Monster
How Not to Fight
How to be Irresistible to Your Mate
How to Keep Yourself Out of a Violent Relationship
It’s a Dirty Job
Jealousy, Faithfulness and Distance
Lighten Up  Cures for Marital Boredom
The Magic of Reassurance
The Nail in the Fence: Healing Wounds
No Cooperation? Solve it Yourself!
Peace Begins at Home
Relating With Love
State of the Union Meeting
Stop Reacting and Start Relating
Stupid Cupid
What Is A Dysfunctional Relationship?
When Love is Kind: Mutuality in Relationships

Appearances Calendar

Please follow me www.twitter.com/tinatessina @tinatessina
The Dr. Romance blog: http://drromance.typepad.com/dr_romance_blog/
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You can find me on the Internet as "Dr. Romance" on Divorce360.com: http://www.divorce360.com/articlesbytinatessina/128.aspx
I’m a Contributing Editor for Redbook

I'll also answer your questions at http://www.tinatessina.com

Upcoming radio shows, TV, and lectures are all posted on my website at http://www.tinatessina.com and at http://www.booktour.com/author/tina_b_tessina


I welcome your feedback and support, please contact me at tina@tinatessina.com.

Wishing you joy,
Tina B. Tessina, PhD
www.tinatessina.com

MAILBOX

RE: Turnaround Time
l did enjoy your newsletter, Tina. Thanks for sending it. Love ya, Jeff
Thanks, Jeff. Glad you enjoyed it.

I'm working on a Vision Board to help me focus on my next project in 2011. Thanks! Christine
Good luck with your vision, Christine.

Thank You and Happy Healthy New Year and Hugs, Shira
Thanks, and same to you, Shira.

Tina, Thank you for your regular newsletters  they are filled with valuable and timely perspective and I enjoy the opportunity to reflect that they provide.

In the interest of being of service (and forgive me if you've received this already from other readers) but during the winter Solstice the Sun is actually at one of its closest distances to Earth. The winter solstice itself is the time when the northern hemisphere reaches its maximum angle of
inclination away from the sun  leading to the shortest days in the north and longest days in the south  and is the point at which our angling away from the sun begins to reverse itself, leading to a "rebirth" of the sun and the lengthening of days. The distance between sun and earth doesn't have a fixed annual period and changes from year to year  as such, it is not correlated to either solstices or seasons. The turnaround theme is valuable and valid, and I wouldn't want people to
get unplugged or thrown by a factual mistake like that, so I thought that I'd help out and provide a little hard science data for you. Thanks for all you do... Otto
Thank you, Otto.