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David A. Schwinghammer

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Member Since: Dec, 2007

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Books
· Soldier's Gap


Short Stories
· Mengele's Double, Chapter 9

· Seminary Boy, a memoir

· Fisher of Men, Chapter Nine

· Soldier's Gap, Chapter Three

· Honest Thief, Tender Murderer, Chapter Nine

· Fisher of Men, Chapter 8

· Honest Thief, Tender Murderer, Chapter Eight

· Mengele's Double, Chapter Eight

· Bereavement Blues

· Fisher of Men, Chapter 7


Articles
· The Wilderness of Ruin, book review

· A Beautiful Mind, book review

· Another Planet, book review

· The Three Stooges, book review

· The God Particle

· Empire of Sin, book review

· Science at the Edge, book review

· Obama, a Modern Caesar?

· Americans Need to Pull Together

· Voices of the French Revolution, book review


Poetry
· Fashion

· Widow's Peak

· Myth

· Alumni Game

· Stradivarius

· Snow-a-holic

· Girls Who Wear Glasses

· The Do Drop Inn

· Ode to Neve Campbell

· Never My Love

         More poetry...

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  Jacks or Better 101
by David A. Schwinghammer
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
Rated "R" by the Author.

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Recent poems by David A. Schwinghammer
•  Fashion
•  Widow's Peak
•  Myth
•  Alumni Game
•  The Do Drop Inn
           >> View all 12


Freshman English is a lot like playing poker with a Boatswainsmate.


Jacks or Better 101

 

“No wild cards - no ‘Spit in the Ocean’ - no ‘Black bottom’ - No ‘Roll your Own’ - no joker - we don’t play no pussified poker in this game!”

(This is expository writing not creative writing. Your essays should have a beginning, a middle, and an end. You must have a thesis statement. You must employ transitions.)

“Pot limit, dollar ante, dealer calls the game. We don’t stand for crybabies. If you lose your money, go to bed. We don’t wanna hear from mama or you’ll hear from us.”

(Three mechanical errors and you will receive an automatic fail. We assume a freshman at this college has a degree of proficiency in grammar and the use of the dictionary.)

“Low Ball? What the fuck is that? I thought I said we don’t play no pussy games. We play ‘Five Card Stud,’ ‘Seven Card Stud,’ and ‘Jacks or Better’. Any more of that shit and you’re out of the game. Where you from, boy? They wear pants where you come from?”

(The adverb “there” is spelled t-h-e-r-e, the possessive pronoun “their” is spelled t-h-e-i-r, the contraction “they’re” is spelled t-h-e-y-’-r-e. Such a glaring error is not tolerated in Expository Writing 101. A repetition of this kind of carelessness and we may have to place you in remedial English.).

“You want four cards? How dumb are you, kid? You might as well give me your money. You can only draw three cards in draw poker. Sweet rain of Christ!”

(When using a quotation from an outside source, the author of said source must be attributed. The footnote of said source must be located at the bottom of the page and indented five spaces. If the footnote is improperly indented, a deduction of one half grade will be taken.)

“So what have you got? Mother humper! You’ve got a straight and you drew three cards. You got a horse shoe up your ass, kid!”

(Profanity or obscenity will not be tolerated. In the event that such words seem called for, a suitable euphemism should be used.)


Mystery Writer


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Books by
David A. Schwinghammer



Soldier's Gap

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(Poetry)
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