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Kalikiano Kalei

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Member Since: Jan, 2008

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· U S Chemical and Biological Defense Respirators

Short Stories
· Saddam's Toilet, Part 3

· Saddam's Toilet, Part 2

· Zipping Flies with Papa Hemingway

· Searching For Haumea...

· Farewell to Sherlockville

· Down in the Valley--Chapter 1

· First Class, or Guaranteed Delivery?

· The Fruitcake King of Riyadh

· Maile and the Little Green Menehune

· The First (Near) Ascent of Heartbreak Hill

· German Wartime Ejection Seat Developments

· Luftwaffe Air-Evacuation in WW2

· Creating an authentic 2WK Luftwaffe Aircrewman Impression

· The Luftwaffe 2WK Aviation Watches

· German aviator breathing systems in the 2WK

· Ritter der Lüfte: Chivalry in 2WK aerial combat

· War From the German Perspective: A Matter of Differential History

· Recreating Luftwaffe WW2 History

· Film Review: Final Approach (1991)

· Cafe Racing of the 60s: Rockers, Ton-up Boys and the 59 Club

· Five Up, One Down...

· More dirty climbing limericks

· First ascent of Broad Peak!

· Sawtooth Haiku

· Somewhere in my sleep

· The soundless temple bell

· Hearts and minds

· Rabbit gazing at full moon

· Koto-kaze

· Hara: Reality as fantasy

         More poetry...
· Local Writer Not Slated to Receive Steinbeck Foundation Recognition

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  If women had udders...!
by Kalikiano Kalei
Thursday, December 01, 2011
Rated "PG13" by the Author.

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Recent poems by Kalikiano Kalei
•  Of Rose, as sunset floods the room at dusk
•  Five Up, One Down...
•  More dirty climbing limericks
•  First ascent of Broad Peak!
•  Sainted Mother Teresa
           >> View all 59

Have you ever wondered what it is about breasts that pushes so many hormonal buttons in human beings? No?! Mmm. Ok. Well here's an admittedly TERRIBLE rhyming poem (with absolutely abysmal meter) on that subject anyway! My apologies in advance to both cows and women! I'm really quite fond of both!




If women had udders

And cows had breasts

Would it give me the shudders

At beauty contests?

Would I oggle the cows

Out standing in fields?

Would I grin and carouse

Mouthing bovine appeals?

And think of the bras

That would have to be made!

(But hold your applause...

My point seems to have strayed!)

If this all seems bizarre

And sounds quite unreal,

Still the thought from afar

Has a certain appeal!

But it's all a big joke,

Not to worry one bit!

Since I'd likely just choke

On that abundance of tit!


[Please note: It has belatedly come to my attention that one Stephen Cree has apparently already used the first two opening lines of this doggerel (back in 2001), so my profound appologies to Mr. Cree for having sustained a similar brain-fart (albeit after the fact). For those who wish to see Mr. Cree's poetic pontification on this subject, you can find it here: .]

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Reviewed by Vesna Vanessa 3/27/2014
hmmmmmmmmm.. a most UNIQUE view of know... LOL!

you have a great sense of HUMOUR obviously!!!!

Keep it up kiddo!

Vesna :)
Reviewed by Ed Matlack 12/4/2011
You sir, are a sick man...but a damn funny one...e
Reviewed by John Flanagan 12/2/2011
lol again!

to err is human
to moo bovine
Reviewed by jude forese 12/1/2011
Reviewed by Annabel Sheila 12/1/2011
Hahahahahahaha! The title is hilarious...and the poem had me in stitches....the picture is awesome! Tooooo funny! Thanks for the laughter!

Reviewed by Christine Tsen 12/1/2011
This is rather hilarious and most memorable!

Books by
Kalikiano Kalei

U S Chemical and Biological Defense Respirators

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  1. Democracy at Work
  2. Over internet-ed...
  3. This is Ed's computer talking...
  4. From the Institute of Word-ology
  5. Sunny Days and Mondays
  6. SUCK...
  7. Smile, Darn It
  8. Mushmouth Kostro...
  9. My Ass Is Grass
  11. Summer Doth Approach...
  12. Reincarnation
  13. A Guitar
  14. Have You Seen Ur-Anus?
  15. Wednesday was 70 Degrees...
  16. Kostro's always pickin' on me...AGAIN
  17. The Toilet Seat
  18. My Good Friday Procedure
  19. Sadie Graylow
  20. Confusion say: Men who play with selves r

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