blessings in my life. The bedroom door creaked as I slowly nudged my

head in. I could hear that she had finally fallen asleep; her breathing

was deep and regular. Quietly I crossed the worn threshold into her

room; the lamp on the oversized oak night table gently glowed outlining

her contented, angelic face. Outside, the moon silently peered through

the parted curtains casting shadows of dancing figures on the pink rose

wallpaper that framed her bed.  The house was quiet. I felt the comfort of

her room and for a moment indulged myself in the many memories that

lingered in the walls.  As my eyes adjusted to the golden glow, I quietly

gazed from one corner of the room to the other, as I had a 1000 times

before, then smiled, as I had 1000 times before.  Creeping towards her,

I gently pull up the bed covers and tenderly kiss her cheek; her eyelids

fluttered for just a moment. Turning off the table light and looking back at

the angel in my life I whisper, “I love you.”  I love you echoes in my mind

as I quietly leave the room, closing the door behind me, trusting the

moonlight to be her sentry for the night.
        

     Back in my own room alone, I think to myself; she’s all I have left. I've

lost so much, but without her, I would have lost my mind. I know I owe

my existence and sanity to her.    

     My thoughts wash backwards against time to my first loss; my dad.

He had been so ill, it was a relief, I suppose. But what I didn't know, was

that it was the only the beginning of the losing race ahead.

     I can still hear my husband’s confident voice whispering in my ear,

“we can beat this ya’ know.” He joked that he didn't know which was

worse, his cancer or their cure; but we knew. The travel between Dallas

and Chicago for monthly treatments became harder,our nights more

sleepless.  Months crawled by as he became more ill.  Then suddenly

there were no more Chicago flights.  

     With back to back losing races, I had lost the two most important men

in my life. I was being crushed at work and could no longer keep up with

the “pack.”  Leaving no other options, I was fired. I didn't fight it; I just

dropped out. I knew I couldn’t keep the pace. Each new step brought

pain and I continued to fall further behind. I was losing the race and

then…I lost the house. I wanted to withdraw and shut the world out.  I

was tired and thought that eternal sleep might be my only win.
______________________________________________________________________
    

     In the quiet of my bath, slowly I submerged under the warm, still

water. The world around me blurred. How peaceful death must be. Then

I thought of her, the angel in my life. My reliance on her and her reliance

on me swelled in my mind. I emerged. The bathroom air felt cool on my

warm skin. I breathed.

     I turned down my bed and crawled under the safety of the covers. She

is my strength, I thought. I closed my eyes, believing that tomorrow, with

her, there would be renewed strength and a race that I could win.

     I said goodbye to my losses and gave thanks for a new start. Then

closing my eyes, I said a prayer for my angel.

     A splinter of light streamed in from the window; a reminder of the

many blessings in my life. I love you mother. You are my heart.