At the age of 27, I married a man who was the man of my dreams. We were married drunk. He loved what I loved. He did what I did, alcohol, drugs and sex. I was addicted to him. He worked where I worked so we really had fun.

We met and worked at a restaurant. I think back and wonder how we were able to live with each other. I was a mess, had a loud mouth and he was too, I was louder than he was. We both liked to beat each other up. However, he was stronger than I, so I was hurt worse. It was sick. I was beaten everyday. He had a wooden board under the bed that he used to beat me. If a day went by and I did not get hit, choked, or hit with a wooden board, then I was thanking God and saying he loves me he did not hit me today. That was how insane my thinking and the marriage had become.

I stayed married to him for two years. I also was living with him a year before we got married and he beat me then. I still married him which shows where my head was at. I was a mess; my drinking and drugging took me places where I did not have to go to. I lowered my standards and did things I would not want anyone to experience.

Near the end before I left him he really beat me and I got hurt yes, I was in a black out and I was in a hospital with knee and leg injuries. I still have problems with my knees today. It goes to show how I created a lifestyle that I still am living the consequences of my actions. The blessing is I am reminded every day of how it used to be because of my knees and it helps me to be reminded of how awful my life was, so I do not repeat those actions.

I left him in 1995. I went to an abusive women’s home but because I was not willing to stop drinking and they would not let me drink there I did not stay, after 3 days I left and went back to my ex. I stayed for a few months until the beatings got real bad.  One night he was chocking me and I thought ok this is it I am going to die for what ever reason he stopped and he was out of it the alcohol and drugs got him to a point where he just collapsed so I took that chance to get out I started to leave, he woke up and caught me and started beating me again. Then again he collapsed and that time I did make it out the door and left him. It was 3 am. I walked and walked cried and cried had nowhere to go. I ended up going to a recovery house for alcoholism.

God has been blessing me. I had a lot of work to do on myself but in time I have been able to get some peace. I went to counseling and I stopped drinking through a 12-step program. I got the help I needed. It took years of working on myself, learning to love myself and treat myself with love. It is a daily process even though it has been over 11 years since I have been out of abusive relationship; I still have to work on myself. If I want to continue to have the life I have today I have to continue to work on myself one day at a time.

My life has changed through the years; it has gotten so much better. I have a wonderful man in my life we have been together for 10 years. This was something I never dreamed of because of my choices I made in my past with men I never chose to be with a good man.

I hated myself so much that I chose men who treated me bad. I had a broken picker and would choose men who were abusive so I did not have to abuse myself any more. I had someone to do it for me. The pain in the inside hurt so much that it felt better to be hurt on the outside. Now life is different I do not hurt myself anymore. I love myself today and I do not allow people to abuse me. I do not need a man today in my life I choose who I want to be with in my life. I don’t have to be with someone to feel good that has been a blessing to be able to be ok with who I am and not have to have someone else to make me feel whole. I am whole and I deserve to have a good life today.

I have worked with other women who have been abused I want to let others know that they do not have to live that way if someone hits you once that is it, you do not have to allow it.

I know the pain and the excuses for allowing someone to abuse you. I have used excuses and I could have died, each minute someone dies from being beaten. We do not have to allow that to happen it takes time to heal but there is help out there for us and you can heal. We are survivors we don’t have to be victims any more it is a choice. Let’s choose to be survivors. You can live a good life with out being abused you can love yourself and you deserve to have a good life.

Today I have a peace that I never dreamed I would have. I am thankful for God in my life for walking with me and loving me even when I was not allowing His love in.

He loved me anyway.

For that I am grateful.

Thank you God.

Thank you for letting me share my story with you.

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All contents Copyright © 2006 by Denise Contreras

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