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When I was 41, I experienced the dissolution of matter to love.
My name is Tom. I was born and raised in a small farming town in the West of Ireland. At the age of twenty-one I found that I could no longer continue with the life I was leading. I was fearful just about all the time and embarrassed by my inability to compete intellectually on almost any level. The Irish school system that fostered corporal punishment absolutely terrified me and left me educationally disabled. In addition, my home life was filled with trepidation and sometimes raw fear as the indulgences of my alcoholic father were catered to. This was not a nurturing environment for any child and most especially not for one as sensitively inclined as I. And so by the age of twenty-one I was a total mess, although covering it well by an aggressive and well - manufactured charm that seemed to fool all. Eventually my inadequacies began to be startlingly obvious and, as my defenses were weakening, I decided to save myself from the predictable avalanche of disasters to come by just running away.
I left Ireland for New York, it was 1972. After two years I married and for the next eighteen years I lived what must have seemed a very ordinary and conventional life to anyone observing me. I was covering well, a master of illusion was I. The reality was that nothing had really changed. I just went from the frying pan to the fire. I blundered on. My wife was too far inside the wine bottle to even notice me - this suited me okay as I knew I was at least safe from discovery. But, as is true of most alcoholics, her forte was control and she was very crafty at manipulating my weaknesses to build the false world that would protect her own demon. And so life evolved into a routine of tense normalcy. We brought two children into the world and, in spite of our mutual dysfunctions, we found common ground in our love for the children. People often remark that they are fine and well adjusted young men, I pray that this is so. I worked as a manual laborer in a chemical company and also picked up side jobs as a floor scraper. I discovered that I was quite good at maintaining and building things around the house and most Saturdays I would be found at Home Depot chasing one project or another. I kept busy and my many responsibilities kept me distracted from the frustration that was forever clawing at my mind like a caged animal. I thought it was just pure loneliness, but it was much deeper than loneliness as I was soon to find out.
Then, in 1992, everything changed radically and in a way so unpredictable as to require nothing less than a complete change of lifestyle. It was afternoon and I was at home. I was in the throes of a domestic drama when suddenly I entered into an experience of such completeness that it left me with an absolute awareness of the common truth behind all universal activity. I told a few friends but quickly realized that people will not accept such information without a rational explanation. Then, shortly after the event, my life was turned upside down when I was diagnosed with severe heart disease. While still adjusting to this I received a letter from my employer saying that my services were no longer required. Divorce followed and finally I was free. Although I didn’t feel very free at the time, it felt more like my time was up and that I was going to die soon. But, no such easy exit for me.
These happenings marked a new beginning and I entered into a twelve year quest that resulted in two books that fulfilled the objective of rationalization. The first is called The Trinity Conspiracy and it describes the ways and means of the educational process. The other is this companion book in which the central thesis of the Trinity book is fleshed out and explained in more detail. I have now found the reason behind my frustration and its discovery has indeed surprised me. In my wildest dreams I could never have envisioned the awareness I am now attempting to share with you. This information is pure healing from the very core of being and the beauty of it is that its sheer simplicity allows me to hand it to you in as few words as you can read in an hour.
What I learned At School
I discovered that the way to comprehend the experience I received is through understanding the relative concept that is time. It sounds hard, but really it’s not. In fact it is almost a joke, although a most serious and personal one since we are the brunt of it. The joke is that we leave Love (non-energy) and blunder around in ignorance (energy) without realizing that what we are seeking is, and always has been, at the point we started from. The beginning is the end and the end is the beginning and in between there is only illusion. The prize is guaranteed and no matter how we complicate ourselves looking for whatever answers we think we need, we will always come up short unless we see through the illusion and use it as a process of elimination and not as a means to its own end.
The experience I received was that of watching the illusion reveal itself. It began as a gradual event initiated by the surreal observation of everything around me dissolving and disappearing into my body. I did not feel scared and, as the dissolution continued, I had a growing feeling of love for myself and for everything that was continuing to disappear through me. Finally there was nothing left, all was unified and I no longer had a body. I was without energy in a state of love without condition where all was as one.
At the time, I was surprised with both the spontaneous ease of transition back to my body and the totality of the experience I had received. It was significant for me to note that the growing love seemed to track the dissolution of matter. I realized that one phenomenon somehow created response in the other and that both actions were inter-related. In short, the removal of energy catalyzed the growth of love until finally all the universe was transformed to pure love. I thereby concluded that energy binds Love and that our purpose in this world must undoubtedly be to release our energy back to Love.
The Gathering
Like a harvest
The gathering to One
The knowledge of One
Time undone.
To see everything
Gathered into itself
Everything disintegrating into Love
All dissolving into me.
People, places, animals, things
No difference to show
All coming apart
All merging to unity.
To return “alive”
Full knowing I did not leave
Everything back in place
Now this journey I must face.
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Reader Reviews for
"A Moment Alone"
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| Reviewed by Lois Christensen |
6/16/2008 |
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| Thank your for the write. I read it and absorbed it and did not find some of it at all a happy write. You made it and are making it alone with your maker each day and you are still alive and have his love with you. Good health to you today and always. |
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| Reviewed by Denise Contreras |
10/14/2007 |
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When I get out of my way then I am one with Love. This that you are sharing is deep. Somthing hard to explain but it is somthing I do not want to let go of. God is Love we are Love we are God.
Thank you for this.
Hugs Angela |
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