Chapter I
As Celeste stood at the end of the pier, staring out over the rolling waves, her mind began to run rampant again. Her long, blond hair swept across her face with fierceness, much like the fierceness of the moment! Her blue eyes blurred with tears as she succumbed mentally to a voice in her head saying, “Go ahead, jump!” Then, in contradiction, the voice said, “No, just wade out into the water and don’t stop until you are consumed!”
There, at the beach, a place that normally brought peace to troubled minds, soothing to hurting hearts, was such turmoil inside of her that she contemplated ending her life!
Celeste felt she had reached a point of no return. It seemed she could not keep dealing with the secrets of her heart and the only way out was to eradicate herself.
Suddenly, she found herself asking these questions, “Why do I hear these voices over and over? Do my secrets of the heart still have an insatiable power over me? Is it because I have no sense of value to my life, or is it because I know that I am totally helpless within myself?”
Giving serious thought to the notions that continued brewing in her mind, Celeste stared somberly into the heavens. Suddenly she realized something that had not crossed her mind in a long time—her name! Names, yes they tell much!
Celeste’s name meant “heavenly” and this came as a revelation while she stared into the heavens! WOW! Could this be a sign of some sort? Could it be that there truly was a Higher Power up there somewhere in the heavenlies, looking down on her even now?
She turned, ran back to the gazebo and sat down to ponder this inevitable mental revelation .
But why? Why should she have this contrast of feelings, just as she was about to take her own life into her hands? She was so ready to end it all, to just be done with life. With her head in her hands, Celeste began to sob. In the midst of her tears, her memory card began to click over and over through different scenarios of secrets from her life past.
Reminiscing was something she did not favor, especially now, but it seemed she had no control over her mind.
Way back when, maybe when she was a child of no more than five years of age, Celeste remembered a time when an older boy took her to the back seat of his car. He put her hand in his pants and coerced her to do something that she could not comprehend at her young age. Yet, as she grew older, this picture remained vivid in her mind, and with each remembrance of it, fear gripped her heart, unexplainably.
After that, there was the memory of same sex attraction to a girl in her elementary school classroom. God forbid those feelings, even before she knew of a God or of sexual feelings. The thought of this made her feel troubled at times because it was something unknown to her young mind.
From this scene flashed other memories of disdain; older boys trying to take advantage of her, Celeste’s father abusing her mother in his drunken stupors, growing up and deciding to marry for all the wrong reasons, going through divorce, becoming a woman of the night, having inter-racial relationships, experimenting with drugs and alcohol, smoking, the death of her father. On and on were secrets that continued to flash in her mind.
It was as if there were a contest of sorts going on, good versus evil.
This should not be happening, tonight of all nights. She had supposedly put these in proper perspective, with her counselor and all.
The counselor had pretty much summed it up from the onset—the main cause of all these problems was religion. Celeste’s mother had exposed her to the Pentecostal way of worship, and it always created emotions that couldn’t be dealt with logically, according to the counselor.
So, now the truth unfolded. The whole logic behind all of her problems was God. But how could God, who Celeste had always perceived as good, be bad? Bad to the point of driving her to this pier for the fourteenth time to contemplate suicide? She heaved a sigh and decided to call it a night, one more time.
As she got into her car, her cell phone rang. It was Marco.
Marco had been trying to get up with her for hours, being afraid that something had happened to her. Celeste assured him she was okay, although she had been out at the beach, contemplating her life again. She shared with him that she had been hearing voices, voices that were trying to get her to end it all.
Marco told her to calm down and meet him at the coffeeshop on Main Street in half an hour.
Celeste reluctantly agreed.
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“Let’s talk about voices, Celeste,” Marco insisted. “See, I have a secret of the heart that I want to share with you. I heard voices, had for years and it almost drove me crazy at one point in my life. I went to doctor after doctor, trying to find someone to help me. Each time, I would get a different diagnosis. Finally, after much medication and counseling, a prognosis was given. I was schizophrenic, bipolar and manic depressive. Wow! I was blown away! How could this be?
They said I was short some kind of chemical in the brain that was supposed to make me normal. Medicine was supposed to correct the problem. I started on it and actually became worse. After several months I seemed to lose my identity. When I didn’t take the meds I became aggressive and hyper or else all I wanted to do was sleep. Due to episodes of sexual encounters in my past it seemed my drive for erotic sex would swing like a pendulum! Anger and frustration became a daily ploy to get my way. As I vented to my counselor and doctor about this, he said, ‘Well, let’s try this new drug that is out on the market.’ Off I went again, pills became my mainstay. If it brought temporary relief, I agreed to take it.
Like you, I attempted to end my life on numerous occasions. My folks had gone to the limit with me. My mom took valium to contend with me, so now she’s not much better off than I was, in some respects. Plus, she and my dad lived in denial, thinking that the medicine would take care of my problems. Sad to say, we all became druggies, but it was supposed to be okay, because it was prescription meds that we needed to survive in our lifestyle. Now, prescription drugs are a way of life for my family.”
Celeste interrupted Marco as she questioned why life had to be this way. She readily contended that they were good people; they worked and took care of themselves. But as with Marco, her past exploitations haunted her day and night. The voices came and laughed in her face, made all kinds of mockery, telling Celeste she was nothing, and then tempted her to do terrible things again to appease herself. It was like a vicious cycle, a pendulum, swinging from one extreme to another!
“Well, Celeste, let me finish sharing my secret,” Marco exclaimed. “I left home for a short time to prove to myself that I could make it on my own, but it didn’t last. The voices kept coming in my head when I was alone and distracted me so until I couldn’t think straight. I found myself out all hours of the night, looking for something, even though I didn’t know what. What your counselor told you about religion being the reason for your problems was the same thing my counselor told me, so I purposed in my heart to stay away from church or God people.
One night I was out walking and ended up down on Main Street and I saw a man coming toward me. ‘This man was different’, I thought to myself. ‘Maybe he was gay and was looking for a one night stand, or maybe he had a gun and wanted someone to help him rob a Bank!’ My mind began to run rampant and I felt my heart begin to do the same the closer he got to me. Rather than stop, though, he smiled as he walked on by. I turned to see him go into the coffeeshop.
Not really knowing why I felt compelled to meet this man, I turned around and went back to the coffeeshop.
He was sitting alone in a booth, so I bravely walked up and asked him if I could join him.
He smiled again and nodded affirmatively.
At first I felt kind of awkward and expressed my feeling of apprehension to him.
He immediately assured me that there was no reason for me to feel that way. He extended his hand and said his name was Joe, and I asked sheepishly, ‘This isn’t ‘meet Joe Black’[1] night, is it?’
He grinned and said, ‘Don’t think so. What’s your name?’
When I said Marco, Joe told me he was glad to meet me, stating that he was always open to meet new friends. Then he asked me if I cared for some coffee, motioning to the waitress to come over to our booth to take my order.
Joe wanted to know what I was doing, so I told him I was just out for a brisk walk in the cool night air. I asked him what he was doing, and his answer almost overwhelmed me.
‘Actually I am on my way home from church’, Joe stated.
I guess he could read my expression because he smiled again and asked, ‘Don’t like church folks, huh?’
I kinda stammered, ‘Well, uh, no, it’s not that I don’t like them, I just don’t understand them.’
Joe continued to smile and his eyes seemed to penetrate mine as he said, ‘Well, we don’t bite, but we do growl sometimes, even though we shouldn’t. Didn’t mean to offend you with that remark if I did,’ Joe continued, smiling.
‘Oh no,’ I said, ‘no offense taken. I knew there was something different about you when I saw you walking down the street. But I didn’t associate it with religion.’
‘Well, for sure, don’t label me as being religious, because religious I am not, but Christian I am’, Joe stated in a matter of fact way.
‘Is there a difference?’ I asked.
‘Oh yes, a big difference,’ Joe stated. ‘But I don’t have time to get into all that now. Perhaps we can meet here again and discuss the differences, if you’re interested.’
‘Well, we’ll see,’ I answered, and asked, ‘you come this way often?’
Joe smiled again as he said, ‘Every Tuesday and Wednesday night. See, I go to visitation on Tuesday night and Bible study on Wednesday night. I usually walk when the weather is nice like tonight since I live only two blocks from here.’
‘Well, okay,’ I answered, ‘maybe tomorrow night, if the weather permits.’
‘Okay,’ Joe said, continuing to smile, ‘it was nice meeting you, Marco. I hope to see you about this time tomorrow’.”
Marco asked Celeste if she believed in God, if Celeste really thought that a Higher Power made this world and all.
Marco was intrigued that Celeste immediately crossed her arms and raised her eyebrows as she frowned and stated, “Marco, I don’t know what I believe right now. You have my curiosity aroused though, about this man, Joe, you so abruptly met. Tell me more…
Marco could tell she was really interested in hearing the rest of the story, so he continued…
“The next night I felt drawn to come back to this coffeeshop. When I got here, a band was playing contemporary Christian music. I immediately felt it was not going to be a good idea to hang out here, especially in case Joe didn’t show up as he said he would. That was one reason I didn’t like God people because some I had known in the past were not people of their word. They would tell you one thing and do another. If I confronted them about it, they always made me feel like it was my fault for making an issue out of it.
But, for some reason, a song they were playing began to make me feel kinda mellow inside. As I listened, I began to look around at some of the other people who were eating, drinking and being merry. They looked like Joe did when I saw him on the street the night before. They were smiling, laughing, clapping their hands when the song was over, just seemingly enjoying the atmosphere of the moment.
The door opened, and in walked Joe, just as he had said he would. He was smiling as he entered, and even grinned when he saw me. He walked over, extended his hand and winked as he said, ‘Fancy meeting you here again!’
‘Yeah,’ I said kinda awkwardly, ‘wasn’t sure if you’d show up or not.’
‘Well, one thing you will learn about me if you hang around me for very long is that I say what I mean and mean what I say,’ Joe responded. ‘How do you like the music?’ he asked.
‘Hmm, it’s a bit different than what I listen to normally,’ I answered, ‘but the song they just finished playing was really nice.’
‘What was it?’ he asked.
Stunned, I blushed and said, ‘I don’t know.’
So he walked up to the lead singer and whispered in his ear. The singer smiled and said, ‘Okay, you guys, we’re gonna do the number we just finished again because Mr. Joe here missed it.’
They began to do the song again, and again I felt a mellow feeling inside me.
Joe smiled and said, ‘You’re not going to believe this, Marco, but this is my favorite song, and I always request that they do it when I come and they’re here. So enjoy it again, with me. Let’s have a cup of coffee and a bagel while we listen, okay?’
‘Okay,’ I said, and we sat down in the same booth we had sat in the night before.
As we sat down, Joe waved his hand at the lady behind the counter. She came out from behind the counter and over to our table, reached down and gave Joe a hug and a greeting, ‘Dios te vendigo, mi hermano en Cristo’ (God bless you, my brother in Christ)!
‘Gracias, y tu’, (thank you, and you),’ Joe responded. Joe gestured his hand toward me and said, ‘Es mi amigo nuevo, Marco,’ (this is my new friend, Marco).
She smiled and nodded her head at me and said, ‘Hola, Marco,’ (Hello, Marco).
Of course, I was in awe of this reunion and had no idea what had just been said and nodded in return. Even though my name is Marco, I have no Hispanic connections.
They talked for a minute or so and she went back behind the counter to wait on some customers who had come in and sat down at the counter.
‘What was that all about, Joe?’ I asked.
‘That is Maria, my Hispanic friend. She comes to our church occasionally when she’s not working.’
‘Oh, okay,’ I responded. ‘You really are a happy person, aren’t you, Joe?’
‘Why, yes, I am, Marco,’ he replied. ‘Aren’t you?’
That question went straight to my heart, and before I knew it, I answered emphatically, ‘No, I’m not. I don’t really have anything in my life to be happy about.’
Joe looked at me very intently as if he could see right into my soul.
Before he could respond, Maria came back with our coffee and bagels, which I gathered he had ordered during their conversation in Spanish.
Joe looked into his cup as he added cream and sugar, stirring slowly with his spoon. He reached over to his bagel and began to spread cream cheese on it, then looked up at me and smiled, as he most times does. ‘You don’t think you have anything in life to be happy about for real?’ he asked.
‘Well, no not really’, I answered. ‘If you really knew me, you would understand why I say that.’
‘I want to know you, Marco, I want to know what you feel it would take to make you happy,’ Joe stated as he began to eat his bagel.
Then he continued, ‘Sometimes we can share secrets of the heart better with a total stranger than we can with friends or family. You know why that is, Marco?’
‘No,’ I stated with disgust.
‘It is because if we tell someone something who doesn’t know us, then we don’t feel guilt or condemnation. They don’t know us or the reasons why we feel the way we do. They can only surmise from perhaps their own similar personal experiences how we can feel the way we do about secrets of our heart. It alleviates those pent up feelings that sometimes people carry through a lifetime, unless they find someone who can become their ‘safe haven’, you might say—someone they feel comfortable enough with to share their heart. Most times that someone is few and far between, thus making the fields of psychology and psychiatry so prevalent.
Secrets of the heart sometime are related to sin, Marco. Everybody has secrets, even people who confess Jesus as their Saviour. We all have sinned and come short of the glory of God[2], the Bible says. The amazing thing about secrets of the heart is that if we don’t deal with them, sooner or later they surface, either through physical or emotional sickness.
So, go for it, if you dare. I will be that someone for you if you feel comfortable enough to tell me your heart.’
I said, ‘Ok, Joe, I am going to tell you a couple of secrets that only a couple of people know about me.
First, I have mental issues. I hear voices and I have done bad things because of listening to those voices.
Second, I have to deal with feelings for men-not every man, so don’t jump to conclusions and think I am a hot, gay guy wanting to hit on you. But a few times in my life I have really felt love for another man and even got involved a couple of times. I’m not proud of it and I just don’t understand why these feelings prevail in my life. This has been a secret of my heart for a long time. Even though some people have speculated that I have these tendencies, I don’t expose it. There is such a stigma attached and people shun you once it becomes common knowledge, if you know what I mean. Of course, if you interact with those of the alternate lifestyle, you aren’t shunned, but I have never tried to go there…mainly for fear of acceptance.’
I didn’t know how Joe was going to react to this information, Celeste, and was hesitant to say anymore.
Joe looked into my eyes with such compassion that I felt he would not judge or condemn me for what I just spilled out.
Joe said, ‘Marco, I almost killed someone once. I could have done it and had no remorse at the time, but the mercy of God prevailed and it didn’t happen, thankfully. I never make that common knowledge, though, because people shun you if they think you have those tendencies as well, so I know how you feel about keeping some things secret. Of course, people who have committed murder and never repented of it accept me readily, but I try not to interact with that mindset. Do you see the correlation in what you just said in conjunction with my statement?’
Quickly I asked Joe if he knew murderers. He nodded and said he had several encounters with some
in prison where he had done prison ministry.
Joe went on to say that he was not my judge, neither my Saviour, but he smiled as he stated that he could point me to the One who one day would be.
‘Jesus Christ is the reason I am happy, Marco,’ Joe expressed enthusiastically. ‘I asked Him to invade my heart and remove all the secrets of my heart many years ago, to forgive me of all my sin and to make me a new creature. Jesus Christ did, and I have been happy ever since. It hasn’t always been easy. And yes, I have been sad at times. I have sinned, also. No matter what weaknesses you have in life, and we all have them, Marco, if you will persevere and continue to believe that through divine intervention you can overcome, you will. When you know that you have been forgiven for all the sins you have committed, you have a reason to live. You know that not only have you been forgiven for all the sins you have committed, but now you know that when you sin, you have Someone whose name is Jesus, who will forgive you each time you sin. The Bible says, ‘if you confess your sin, He is faithful and just to forgive you of your sin and to cleanse you from all unrighteousness[3].’
‘Wow!’ I exclaimed. ‘That is powerful speaking, Joe. Where did you learn to do that? How do you know what it is that I need?’ I asked almost in tears.
‘You know last night when I told you there was a difference in being religious and being a Christian? Well, this is the difference,’ Joe explained as he continued;
‘When you have a personal encounter with Jesus Christ, you are not religious, you are relational. It doesn’t mean that you are perfect, because no man has ever lived upon this earth who was perfect, except Jesus. But you are forgiven, and as you walk in that forgiveness, you begin to grow. You read the Bible, God’s Holy Word, you hide it in your heart that you might not sin against Him[4], you walk in the light as He is in the light, you have fellowship one with another, and the blood of Jesus Christ, the Son of the living God, cleanses you from all sin[5].
It’s relational, and it grows the more you get to know one another. You pray, He listens, and He answers. Marco, ‘it’s not by works of righteousness which we have done, but according to His mercy He saved us, by the washing of regeneration and renewing of the Holy Spirit, which He shed on us through Jesus Christ our Saviour’[6].
I know this may sound foreign to you right now, but in time you will understand it in its fullness.
Being a Christian means we are Christlike, and you want to know what He was like, Marco? Jesus was gentle and kind, Jesus was compassionate, Jesus was a servant, Jesus came to seek and to save all who were lost,[7] like a shepherd does his sheep when one gets away from the fold.
That’s why being a Christian is different than being religious. Religion has no mercy or grace, religion is dead, but Jesus Christ is alive today.
Jesus was born of a virgin, He lived a sinless life for thirty-three years, He died willingly on a cross, shedding His blood to save us from our sin, He literally arose from the grave on the third day, and fifty days later, He ascended back to Heaven, promising all those who followed Him that He would send the Comforter, the Holy Spirit to take His place. This is the gospel in a nutshell, Marco, and when someone accepts this by faith, believes it in his heart, and confesses it with his mouth, then that one is saved. Do you understand what I’ve just told you, Marco?’
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“Celeste, I was so moved in my heart by all the things Joe had just told me that I bowed my head and began to cry. Right here in this coffeeshop, in the midst of other people, people I did not know, people who did not know me, while the band played and sang a song that said almost the same things Joe had just spoken to me,
I cried like a baby. I could not help myself. It was like a river gushing out of my inner man, all the anger, frustration, guilt, every conceivable evil feeling that I had ever experienced flowed out of me in that river, and the more I cried, the better it felt. I had not cried like that in years, Celeste, and it felt good.
In the midst of my crying, Joe said, ‘Marco, I am going to say a prayer, and if you want Jesus to come into your heart and make this a night you will never forget, repeat it after me.’
I nodded my head ok, and as Joe began to pray, I repeated the words he said after him. ‘Our Father, who art in Heaven, holy is your name. Your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth even as it is in Heaven[8]. I admit that I am a sinner, and I need a Saviour. Jesus, will you forgive me of my sins and come into my heart now? Will you make me a new creature and help me to lay aside everything in this life that is not pleasing to you? I acknowledge my sin and ask that you cleanse me from all my sin. I want to follow you and make Heaven my home when I leave this world. By faith now, I accept that you have forgiven me and will help me follow you daily. I will read your Word, pray and go to church every time I have the opportunity, and I will not be ashamed to tell everyone I meet that Jesus lives in my heart. I accept your free gift of salvation, I believe in my heart that you died for me, and I confess with my mouth the Lord Jesus as the Saviour of my life.
Thank you, Lord, in Jesus’ name, Amen.’
When I opened my eyes and looked at Joe, he was smiling, and I began to smile. Then everybody in the coffeeshop began to clap their hands and shout Amen and Praise the Lord!
Celeste, it were as if a load had been lifted off my chest that I didn’t even realize had been there. I had grown so used to being heavy laden ‘til it seemed natural to be depressed, down and out, unhappy, waiting to hear voices prod me on to more mental anguish. But not anymore.
You know what? Now when I hear a voice, I ask, ‘Jesus, is that you speaking to me through the Holy Spirit? If not, then voice I rebuke you in the name of Jesus and refuse to listen to you.’
I have learned, Celeste, that Jesus said we are the sheep and He is the good shepherd, and his sheep know His voice and will follow Him. But another voice they will not follow[9]. When the voices come telling me something that is not of God, I start singing or quoting that scripture or pleading the blood of Jesus over my heart, mind and soul, asking that He might preserve me blameless until He comes. Greater is He that is in me than he that is in this world[10], so the voices have to leave.
I am convinced now that this has become a very prominent tactic of Satan in these last days. He is trying to deceive anyone he can by making them think they are hearing voices. And they are, for the mind is the arena in which the enemy begins his foreplay. See, Celeste, the devil is a liar, the great deceiver, and every sin that he can throw at us begins in our minds. If we listen to the devil’s voices, we begin to act upon the things we hear, and then we sin, as it says in the Bible, ‘…every man is tempted when he is drawn away of his own lust, and enticed. Then when lust is conceived it brings forth sin, and when sin is finished it brings forth death’[11]. That’s the sequence in which he works.
As Joe stated, I will never forget the events that took place that night right here in this little coffeeshop on Main Street, for it was here I had an encounter with Jesus Christ that transformed my world! All my secrets of the heart have been exposed, dealt with, and covered with His blood, cast into a sea of forgetfulness, never to be remembered against me again. That’s powerful, Celeste, more so than anything else that has ever happened to me.”
“That’s the most amazing thing I’ve ever heard, Marco. I am speechless, to say the least. Did you tell Joe about all your past escapades?” she asked inquisitively.
“No, I didn’t have to,” Marco said as he continued, “I told them to Jesus and He threw them into the sea of forgetfulness, never to be remembered against me ever again. Is that awesome or what?”
“How about the voices, do you still hear voices, Marco?” Celeste continued asking.
“Yes, I do, Celeste, but now instead of voices, it’s a still small voice, the voice of the Holy Spirit who lives in me. God speaks to me very softly, most times in just a word or maybe two,” he said smiling.
“What about your prescription drugs, do you still take them?” she asked in a taunting way.
“No, I have no need for them now, because the illness that they were attempting to treat dissipated when I gave my all to Jesus.”
With a note of sarcasm, Celeste said, “Well, all that sounds well and good, but how do you know now you aren’t going to get worse than you were before? I mean, just because you have started hanging out with God people, the ones who your counselor told you to stay away from, and just because you say you have had this encounter with a Higher Power, do you really think that life is going to be all that now?”
Quickly Marco answered, “Yes, I do, Celeste. I had no withdrawals, I have had nothing but joy, peace and more love than I can express. And it’s a God-type of love; it’s not like the erotic, sexual tendencies that I used to battle. I still think about having sex at times, but when I do, I pray and ask God to help me keep that part of my life in tact until He sees fit for me to meet my soul mate, if He has one for me. When it seems to want to overpower me, I go for a walk, or a run. Sometimes I go to the gym and work out for an hour, come home and take a cold shower, and hit the sack!
I am still a man, Celeste, and have testosterone attacks from time to time, but I am learning to discipline myself and let God fill that void with His Word and direction for my life. I’m not a monk, nor do I want to be, but I do want to live a life that is pleasing to the Lord.
I care for you in a special way, and I want to keep it that way until God does a work in your life. God is no respecter of persons, and what He has done for me He will do for you or anyone else who needs Him. It truly is a miracle, and I have been made a believer in miracles because of this experience.”
“Man, Marco, you are beginning to sound like a preacher or something of the sort,” Celeste retorted. “I’m not sure I want any of this religion that seemingly has engulfed your way of thinking.”
“It’s not religion, Celeste,” Marco defended, “it’s a relationship, just like a relationship between you and me would be. The only difference is that I am here and Jesus is there, and so it’s a faith thing. I accept Christ through faith, and I live for God here and now through faith. So, don’t knock it until you’ve tried it.”
“Whoa!” Celeste rebuked, “let’s not get spirited about this. I have never seen you like this, so don’t go shoving what you have down my throat. If you can practice what you preach, and I can see a sermon instead of hearing it, then I might have a different opinion of it down the road.”
Marco sighed, “Forgive me, Celeste, I don’t mean to come on too strong. It’s just that my life has so much more meaning now than ever before, and I want everyone with whom I come in contact to know this love, joy and peace that comes from God. I still have a lot to learn.
I shared some of my secrets with you, so tell me what was going on with you out at the beach. I promise I won’t tell anyone if you don’t want me to.”
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Chapter II
“It’s the same things, Marco, the same things that keep going over and over in my head. The voices come and try to convince me that I have nothing for which to live, I might as well end it all, and so on. I had flashbacks tonight like all forty, things that should be forgotten. Why does my mind have to continue to allow these daunting memories to haunt me and taunt me?”
“Celeste, have you ever thought about writing poetry? That just sounded like a poetic line to me,” Marco stated, trying to speak something of encouragement.
“No, I never think about anything good, Marco, it seems my mind is programmed to only think of negative or bad things,” she stated with a sigh. “You would think after all the counseling I’ve had that I would be able to conform to some other way of thinking, but for some reason, the past seems to have a significant hold over me,” and with that statement she began to cry softly.
About that time, he reached across the table and took Celeste’s hand in his, bowed his head and to himself began to whisper a prayer silently.
“What are you doing, Marco?” Celeste asked as she pulled her hand away. “Didn’t I just tell you earlier that I don’t want any of your religion?”
“I’m not trying to give you any religion, Celeste,” Marco spoke softly, “I just asked God to somehow visit you the way he did me the night I gave Him my heart.
See, what you are experiencing in your mind needs God, Celeste, not counseling. You need to cry out to God, just as I did, and give Him everything in your mind, heart and soul. He is the answer to what you are fighting,” he pled.
Celeste abruptly got out of her seat and started for the door.
“Where are you going now, Celeste?” Marco asked.
“I don’t know, but I gotta get some fresh air,” she said as she flung the door open and flippantly exited.
He followed her outside, and as she started down the street, three shadows came out of the hedges beside the sidewalk, and grabbed her. Celeste began to scream, but one of the guys put his hand over her mouth as they dragged her down the street to a waiting car. All four got inside, and the car sped away.
As the car gained speed, swerving from one side of the road to the other, Celeste was
hysterical inside. She began to scream and fight at her assailant, but he slapped her excessively until she seemed to be unconscious. The driver was intent on his escape as his speed exceeded 100 miles per hour.
The Police began to chase the car as they turned onto the interstate. After several ploys to deter them, the driver went up a ramp, only to find an oncoming car in his path. He could not slow down fast enough to prevent hitting the other car, and as they collided, the car in which Celeste lay, apparently semiconscious, spun across the road and into a ravine, landing on its side. As her body shifted from side to side in the collision, she realized that something terrible was taking place. Though stunned from the previous face slapping, she was aware that suddenly the car stopped, and she found herself lying on top of her assailant.
As Celeste began to smell blood and gas, she wearily began to reach for the door handle, but could not find it in the dark. Broken glass was everywhere, and she felt herself bleeding. Finally, she looked toward the rear window to see only a hole.
Strange as it seemed, when the Police arrived, they saw someone climbing out of the back window, which had been completely shattered in the crash. As they rushed down the ravine, this someone collapsed on the ground at the back of the car.
The Police called for EMS assistance, and when they got to the body, it was Celeste. She was bleeding from head to foot, unconscious, but alive! As they shone their lights inside the car, they saw the other three bodies, but none were showing any signs of life.
Within minutes the ambulances began to arrive. As the paramedics worked with her, it was evident that she had internal injuries as well as external broken bones. The paramedics began hooking her up to IVs, checking all her vital signs, and putting an oxygen mask on her. Celeste was the first one on a stretcher, placed in the ambulance, and away they sped to the nearest hospital. As the Policemen pulled the three men from the wreckage, it was evident that they would be going to the morgue rather than the hospital.
Meanwhile, back at the coffeeshop, Marco was taken totally by surprise at the unforeseen event, and he began to call for help. A couple of guys came out of the coffeeshop, and Marco related to them what had just happened. Immediately one of them called 911 on his cell phone. Within minutes a police car pulled up in front of the coffeeshop where a crowd had gathered.
Marco was stunned beyond belief, but tried to compose himself long enough to give a description of what he witnessed. He told the policeman that he saw three men take Celeste and put her in their car, maybe it was black or dark blue, he wasn’t sure, and it looked like maybe an older model Chevrolet Impala.
As Marco was giving his description, Joe walked up and Marco began to tell him what just happened.
“Oh, Joe,” Marco cried, “what am I going to do?” “If she hadn’t come here to meet me tonight, this wouldn’t have happened.”
“Calm down, Marco,” Joe exclaimed, “this is not your fault.” “Tell me what happened, okay?”
Marco began to share with Joe that Celeste had been out at the beach, contemplating suicide, when Marco finally got her to answer her cell phone. Marco asked Celeste to meet him at the coffeeshop, which she did. They had been talking, and Marco told Joe he had shared his experience about the night he had prayed and asked Jesus to come into his heart with Celeste.
“What did Celeste have to say about that, Marco?” Joe asked.
“Well,” Marco sighed, “she found it kinda interesting, but then she let me know that she wasn’t going to go there. As she began to focus on her past again, she started to cry. I took her by the hand, bowed my head and began to whisper a prayer to God in her behalf. She quickly jerked her hand away, and told me emphatically that she wanted no part of this God thing, Joe. Then she got up and quickly walked out of the shop, letting the door slam behind her. I got up to follow her, and as I went out the door, three guys came out of the hedges beside the sidewalk, and they grabbed Celeste. One put his hand over her mouth; they threw her in the back seat of their car and sped away.”
“Oh, God,” Marco cried, “what am I going to do now?” “Where could Celeste be? Oh, God, please don’t let them rape or kill her,” Marco prayed as he fell on his knees there on the sidewalk. He reached his arms up toward heaven, tears streamed down his cheeks as he prayed over and over, “Please, God, save Celeste! Please, God let her acknowledge You in all of this, and don’t let whoever this was that took her hurt her. You are greater than these enemies, God, You know what their intentions are, You know where they are, even now, God! Please, protect her from their vile and wicked hands!”
Joe calmly encouraged Marco to go in for a cup of coffee until they could get information on the whereabouts of Celeste. One of Joe’s friends was on the Police force, so Joe put in a call to the Policeman to see if he could get an update on the situation. Joe assured Marco that this incident had apparently been planned, and more than likely the guys knew her. It was too far fetched to think that it was just happenstance.
Marco continually got up and looked out the door from time to time, as he hoped to see some sign of Celeste. In his mind, he thought of their last encounter. He also thought of the anguish and urgency he felt inside as he prayed there on the sidewalk for her safety. That was really the first time he had ever experienced the need to call out to God in someone else’s behalf. It brought him a sense of calm inside to know that he had been obedient to stand in the gap for Celeste. Little did Marco know the affect this night was going to have on her in the coming days.
Suddenly, Marco heard Joe’s phone ring, and he returned to the booth where they sat to find out if it pertained to Celeste.
Joe looked at Marco as he spoke softly to his caller, “Okay, yes, I see. Thanks, we will head on over there now.”
As Joe folded his phone to put in his pocket, he reached out and put his hand on Marco’s shoulder.
“Come on, man, Celeste is at Westside Hospital. The Police chased the car she was in down the interstate, but when it took the ramp and turned off, it collided with an oncoming car, flipped and went into a ravine, landing on its side.”
“Is she dead?” Marco asked softly.
“No,” Joe said, “she has serious injuries. But, thank God, she’s alive! And she was the only one who came out of the wreck alive. The guys are dead. Come on, let’s go. She is gonna need you when she wakes up.”
________________________________________
In the operating room, the doctors began to operate on Celeste. She had a ruptured spleen which caused internal bleeding, as well as a deep laceration on her forehead that bled profusely externally. Not only had it bled externally, but the ct scan showed she had some blood on her brain as well.
Her right wrist was broken, but the swelling was too much for them to set it, and her collarbone was fractured, that would warrant a collar around the neck for a while. She had some cuts and bruises, but these were minor in comparison to the trauma she experienced from the events of the night. Considering the impact of the accident, she was fortunate to even be alive, although she had yet to regain consciousness. It was evident that she would not be out and about in the next few days.
Marco and Joe waited patiently, pondering the whole episode. Little did they know what was going on in the operating room besides surgery!
As Celeste lay on the operating table, she began to have an experience that she would later reiterate to Marco. Unconscious from the doctors’ viewpoint, she was very much conscious in her mind.
Suddenly, it seemed she began to leave her body, and even hovered above the table on which she lay. She saw the doctors and she watched intently as they repaired here damaged body.
Then she heard a voice that spoke ever so softly to her, ‘Celeste, I have allowed the events of this night to happen to you for a purpose. You are going to see your life in a different perspective when you awake. I have a calling upon your life and have chosen you to speak words of hope to a hopeless generation. You will tell many people about the secrets of your heart. What Marco shared with you about himself tonight was very significant. As he poured himself out in tears and prayer to Me, I did a work of heart in Marco that I will do in you as well. Your life will never be the same after tonight, if you will allow Me to come into your heart.’
Immediately in her mind, she began to weep. Although unconscious and under sedation from the anesthesia, this experience was very vivid to her. She cried out from the depths of her innermost being, struggled as it were to make audible sounds, but couldn’t.
When the doctor came into the waiting room where Marco and Joe sat, he pulled his mask off his face, smiled and said, “Celeste is going to be all right. She is a very fortunate young lady, though. She could have ended up at the morgue where her assailants are right now. Apparently for some reason it wasn’t her time. She is not awake yet, and we hope that once the anesthesia wears off, she will come around. She was not conscious when they brought her in, though, so we hope that there’s no more internal brain damage from the hemorrhaging to prevent her from becoming conscious.”
“How soon can we see her?” Marco asked.
“Well, I suggest you go on home for the remainder of the night. Maybe by mid morning we will see how she has progressed. I’m sure she is going to appreciate the fact that you were here through all of this, especially since we had no way of knowing how to contact her family. Do you know them, by chance?” the Doctor asked.
“No,” Marco replied, “I haven’t known her that long myself.”
“Well, I’m sure someone will find them for her. Celeste is going to need all the support she can get in the upcoming days. What she has experienced tonight will no doubt have a devastating effect upon her for quite some time,” the doctor surmised.
Little did he know that it would be quite the contrary!
Joe smiled as he embraced Marco and said, “Okay, let’s play mouse, and go to our own house, and trust that God has everything under control for Celeste.”
“Will you say a prayer for her before we leave, Joe? I will rest better to hear you pray again,” Marco said.
“Sure, man,” Joe stated and prayed, “Father in Heaven, how we love you. We know that tonight has not gone unseen in your eyes. You are good all the time, and even though this has not been a good situation, You will bring good out of it. You always do, for your Word says, ‘All things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to your purpose. For whom you did foreknow, you also fore appointed to conform to the image of your Son, Jesus, and these you also call, and declare righteous.’[12] So, even though Celeste does not know you, You know her, and You are going to do a work of heart in her life because of this event tonight.
We ask that you let the angels of the Lord encamp around about her tonight and deliver her from any fear or dread that she may encounter. Thank you, Lord, for using Marco to speak the words of encouragement he did to her tonight, and thank you for using him to pray for her even in the midst of the turmoil. May You continue to teach him that to trust and obey You will bring Him many blessings. In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen.”
________________________________________
Celeste lay on her back, fluids pumped into her arm, and a monitor on her heart that kept abreast of her rapid heart beat. The respirator pushed up and down in a very rhythmic monotone which kept her breathing pattern consistent.
Even though she appeared unconscious, her mind was very much conscious!
As the anesthesia began to wane, she slowly opened one eye, then the other, vaguely aware of her surroundings, but very much aware of the thoughts in her mind. She relived the experience she had earlier while on the operating table, not yet understanding the full impact it was to have on her in the coming days.
Celeste closed her eyes and listened intently to the noise of the respirator. Not knowing what it was, she pondered what could be going on. She had not even noticed the cup over her nose and mouth through which the oxygen was coming.
Just then, the morning nurse came in to check her vital signs, and when she touched her, Celeste opened her eyes again. The nurse buzzed the nurse’s station and requested the doctor to come immediately. In moments, the Doctor came in with his stethoscope already stuck in his ears and began to check her heartbeat. He looked very intently at her and asked, “Celeste, can you hear me? Squeeze my hand if you understand me.”
Celeste squeezed his hand as she slowly opened and closed her eyes. She began to slowly move her mouth, but they could not hear her because of the oxygen cup.
The doctor reached down and lifted it up and said, “Tell me again what you said, Celeste.”
She answered, “I want some water; may I have some water?”
The nurse picked up the cup of ice water, put the straw in her mouth, and she slowly began to sip the water.
Celeste smiled faintly and said, “Thank you.”
The Doctor put the oxygen cup back over her mouth when she finished. He told the nurse to check Celeste’s oxygen level without the cup every two minutes for six minutes after he left. If it went below ninety-three percent, then Celeste was to keep the mask on until after lunch, but to check it again before the nurse’s shift ended. He informed the nurse that he wanted to take Celeste off the oxygen and respirator if she could breathe on her own safely. The nurse agreed.
The Doctor began to tell Celeste that she had been in an accident and had some injuries that caused her a hospital stay for a few days.
As she listened, Celeste became more alert.
She asked him very softly, “Where is Marco, is he okay?”
“Yes,” the Doctor replied, “Marco is fine, he should be in anytime now. He stayed while you were in surgery and wanted to stay the night, but I made him go home. You rest now, and we’ll check on you again after a while. I may let him come in for a few minutes when he gets here, but only for a few minutes at the time for now.”
The Doctor and nurse left, and within the hour Marco came in. Celeste was sleeping, so he did not disturb her. He knew there would be plenty of time for visiting when she became stronger.
He went to the nurses’ station and asked if the Doctor were available. The nurse told him no, the Doctor had already left, but the nurse told Marco that Celeste had awakened while they were in the room, that she had asked for water, and for him. That made him very happy, to say the least, so he went to the waiting room and waited for an hour before returning to her room.
When Marco went back into Celeste’s room, he walked over to the bed and whispered, “Celeste, it’s Marco. I’m here.”
Celeste slowly opened her eyes and reached for his hand. She began to move her mouth but he couldn’t understand anything she was saying.
Marco buzzed for the nurse and when she came in, he told the nurse that Celeste was trying to talk to him. The nurse removed the oxygen cup, and told them that she would stay to monitor Celeste’s breathing for a while to see if Celeste could make it without the oxygen.
Celeste said, “Marco, I have something to tell you, but I want to tell just you, not anyone else,” as she cut her eyes toward the nurse also standing beside her bed.
The nurse smiled and said, “Well, honey, you gonna have to wait for a little while, because first things first. And right now, your ability to breathe without this machine is in the balance. Until I see your oxygen level perform satisfactorily without Mr. Machine here, the cup is a must.”
So Celeste nodded, and waited. It was amazing, as the nurse watched Celeste begin to breathe on her own, the nurse responded, “This is remarkable. You are doing excellent on your own, considering.”
After about five minutes, the nurse asked, “How do you feel, Celeste? Are you hurting anywhere, or feeling lightheaded at all?”
“No,” Celeste answered with a smile, “Actually, I think I feel better without the cup on my face.”
“Ok,” the nurse smiled, “I am going back to the nurses’ station while you tell Marco whatever it is that you want to tell just him. If you begin to feel faint or peculiar in any way, buzz me and I will be in like lightning, ok?”
“Ok,” Marco stated, “I promise I will yell really loud if she starts anything peculiar.”
Marco stroked Celeste’s blonde hair and told her she was looking beautiful.
“Yeah, right,” she sighed, “it’s hard to imagine how I must look.
What happened? I really don’t remember anything that caused this, but I do remember something really phenomenal that took place while I was on a table.”
Marco looked rather puzzled and asked, “While you were on a table? When were you on a table, Celeste?”
She responded, “I don’t know, Marco, but it were as if I left my body. I was up above myself and the doctors were all around my body that was on that table, working on me. I heard this voice, and it said the same thing to me that you said happened to you that night with Joe. The voice said I would see my life in a different perspective when I awoke. He said I had a calling upon my life and that I would tell many people about the secrets of my heart. I immediately began to cry, not really, because I was asleep or something. In my mind I wept from the depths of my innermost being, and I tried to cry out loud, but I couldn’t. I can’t describe what I felt inside, Marco. It’s something like I’ve never felt before. I felt clean, I felt emptied of all the things I had been fighting against for years. Just as you said what happened to you, has happened to me! I don’t understand it but I accept it, as you said, by faith. I know I could be dead right now, but I’m alive. I’m more alive than I’ve ever been, and I know it was God who brought me through this. Do you believe me, Marco?”
Marco stood there with his mouth agape, speechless. Tears welled up in his eyes, and he began to cry. He leaned over and put his arms around her as best he could, and cried. Celeste began to cry as well, and raised her free arm upward.
She said, “Marco, I don’t know how to pray, will you teach me?”
He asked her, “How do you want to pray? Sounds to me like you have already repented in your mind, so do you want to say the sinner’s prayer out loud and confess Jesus as Lord of your life now?”
“Yes,” Celeste cried, “I want to do it right.”
“Ok,” Marco answered.
He slowly prayed the sinner’s prayer, and she repeated it humbly, but boldly.
As Marco finished the prayer, they both wept together for a while, and then they began to smile at one another. Finally they began to laugh, and laugh, and laugh! It was joy that was beyond anything either had experienced before.
The nurse came in, dumbfounded to see Celeste with her free arm raised toward the ceiling.
“What’s going on in here?” the nurse asked adamantly.
“I just gave my heart and life to Jesus,” Celeste stated as tears streamed down her face.
“Well, uh, that’s wonderful,” and with that, the nurse turned and went back to the nurses’ station.
“Now what?” Celeste asked Marco.
“I don’t know,” Marco answered, “we’ll just take it one day at a time and see what God does.”
________________________________________
Marco left and after Celeste ate her first meal, she went back to sleep. In her sleep, she began to dream. She dreamed about the things that had plagued her that night at the beach when she had contemplated taking her own life. She awoke suddenly, and began to thank God for saving her from all the things that had been tormenting her mind. There, in the dimly lit room, she began to think about a secret that she had never shared with anyone. In her mind, she was reminded of a statement she had made in which Marco had commented that she should write a poem.
Celeste called for the nurse, who, when she came in, asked what Celeste needed. She told the nurse she needed a pen and paper. So the nurse reached over in the drawer next to Celeste’s bed and took out a pen and pad.
The nurse looked at Celeste rather suspiciously and asked, “Why aren’t you sleeping instead of wanting to write?”
Celeste answered, “I don’t know, I just feel there is something I must write down while I have it on my mind before I go back to sleep, okay?”
“Okay,” the nurse replied, “do you need me to write it for you?”
“Oh no,” Celeste answered quickly, “I can do it myself. Thanks, though.”
As Celeste sat there with pen and pad in hand, her mind wandered back, several years, to a night she had hoped would never plague her again. Yet, here and now, she felt she must pen what transpired that night as a way of penance before God. Celeste had asked God to forgive her of all her sins, and even though this one was not done intentionally, she felt it was the root of all the others she had committed. It was evident that if she could confess this one, true forgiveness would come, not only from God, but from herself, to herself.
She had never felt impressed to write poetry, so she knew this was a God thing. She pondered her thoughts for a few minutes, writing a line, then another. As she wrote, she cried. Over and over Celeste asked God to use the words that she was writing to portray her heart felt sorrow. She wanted to be cleansed of all the guilt and pain that this incident ensued. Thus, came these lines:
ABORTED!
The long night ended
And daylight broke through-
You then descended
With colorful hue!
A beautiful pink
Then suddenly black-
With no way to think
Nor ever come back!
For life that was present
Now ceases to be-
Yes, incandescent,
But no light for me!
This secret won’t go
Away from my mind!
Its taunting is so
Destructive, not kind!
Someone!—I’m wanting!
Yet, please do not chide-
The daunting and haunting,
No longer I’ll hide!
After Celeste wrote the poem, she looked upward, and cried out to God to forgive this act. She acknowledged that she had done it, not because she wanted to, but because she had been raped. But even if she had done it because she didn’t want a baby, she had to know that God forgave her for this kind of sin. She remembered a scripture that Joe told Marco about when he confessed his sin,
‘As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our sins from us.’[13]
With those thoughts in mind, she prayed, “God, will you help me forgive myself,
because I know You have forgiven me, but I still feel guilty?” Another scripture
Marco had told her was, ‘If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive
us of our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.’[14]
Celeste pondered those thoughts in her mind as she tried to go back to sleep. She
remembered that God had told her that He had allowed the night of the accident to
happen for a reason.
Would God want to use this secret specifically? No one had known about this but
her doctor and the guy that caused it to happen. She never squealed on him, so
probably he went on with his life and forgot about it ever happening. But not her!
She put the poem under her pillow and drifted off to sleep.
The next morning while Celeste ate breakfast, a Policeman came in her room, and explained that he needed to ask her some questions concerning the night of the accident. At first she was hesitant, but finally she consented.
“There were three assailants, and I have pictures of each of them. I want you to look at them and tell me if you recognize them,” the Policeman stated. As he began to show her each one, immediately she began to have flashbacks.
“Yes,” Celeste said rather excitedly, “I recognize them. They are from my past.
This one in particular,” as tears welled up in her eyes. This one in particular was the man who had raped her several years ago, but she didn’t disclose that information.
“How do you know them, ma’am?” the Policeman asked.
“Do I have to elaborate that information, Sir?” Celeste asked rather vehemently.
“Yes, I’m afraid you do,” the Policeman answered.
“Okay,” Celeste stated, “It’s like this. A few years ago, much to my sorrow now,
I was a hooker. These were the men for whom I was working. One of them raped me, and when it was over, he told me he would kill me if I ever told on him. So I
kept it to myself, until I found out I was pregnant. When I told him about it, he gave me money to have an abortion, which I did gladly, but afterwards the guilt
almost destroyed me. I ran away, and have been on the run ever since, until a few months ago. I came to this wonderful town and found a decent job. The only
problem was that I had mental issues due to my past, and voices that tried to get me to kill myself. Just this week I went out to the beach and almost committed suicide, but for some reason didn’t. As I was contemplating it, I looked heavenward and the thought crossed my mind of my name. My name, Celeste, means ‘heavenly’ which was a sobering thought while I was staring into heaven. I felt like it was a sign of some sort, and apparently it was. Several things transpired after that night, and I am now a Christian, with a heavenly calling to share some of my secrets of the heart, just as I am now sharing with you. You are the first person with whom I have actually shared this secret about the abortion since it happened.”
At that moment, Celeste realized that what the voice had told her that night of the accident was literally coming to pass right before her eyes!
The Policeman looked at her with an expression of awe, smiled and said,
“Well, Celeste, I too am a Christian, so I can believe your story. And yes, God will use you if you will let Him. There are thousands of young women just like you who have lived with the guilt and pain of abortion, for whatever reasons, who need to know that we have a great God in heaven who will forgive them for any and all of their sins, if they will just cry out to Him and ask Him to forgive and forget. The wonderful thing about God is He does just that, but we as humans many times can’t.
We live in the past and cannot have a present or a future because of that fact. When we truly accept forgiveness from our Father in heaven, He gives us a new vision and perspective of who we can be in Him. It takes time, though, for some to accept that
and learn to walk in it. So don’t get discouraged, just walk by faith daily.”
After the Policeman shared these thoughts with Celeste, he assured her that she would not have to worry about her assailants because they went to the morgue the night of the accident instead of the hospital. He just needed to know if she knew anything about them, and perhaps if they had a motive.
“The only motive they could’ve had, maybe, was to try to get me to go back to New York with them and be their hooker again. But that would’ve never happened,
thanks to the Lord,” Celeste stated with a smile.
“Thank you for your time, Celeste, I hope it hasn’t been too much of a strain on you today. We just wanted to see if we could get this case closed as soon as possible.
You have made that possible with what you have shared with me,” the Policeman said lightly.
“No problem. I hope that sharing this with you will help me put it in proper perspective for the days ahead and give me courage to not be ashamed to share it,” Celeste said with a sigh.
“You will be fine, just be thankful always, and never be afraid to say,‘Look what the Lord has done, He healed my body, He touched my mind, He saved me just in
time,’[15] the Policeman stated. With that, he reached out and touched her shoulder, and said, “God bless you, Celeste. You will be in my prayers. I hope to see you
when you get out of here, maybe at church or somewhere, sharing your testimony!”
As he walked out of the room, those last words rung loudly in her mind!
What exactly did he mean by that? Celeste pondered it over and over. She was yet to find the fullness of these prophetic words. Surely in time God would reveal to her His intentions for her to speak words of hope to women not only in her world, but in His church! Being the young Christian that she was brought a whole new kind of insight to her world, insight that in time would move her from a level of self-condemnation and degradation to a level of freedom and self-confidence! Yes, life had just begun for Celeste, even while she lay in her hospital bed.
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