Excerpt
Preface
I was married when I was 44 years old. Many people might think that a person who marries that “old” does so because they rarely dated or didn’t get out much. That certainly was not the case with me. My relatively late marriage was a definite result of a combination of a fear of long term relationships and (at least in my 20’s) just not wanting to get married at all.
I kissed my 10th boy on my 16th birthday. Even though I was a tom boy, the boys I hung out with also were into knowing what kissing was about, and so was I. By the time I was 21, I had been proposed to eight times. All of this led me to believe that I could marry when I wanted, and I certainly didn’t want to get married before 21. In fact, when I was 22, I saw life as a fairly routine, dull continuum – Birth –> College –> Marry –> Kids –-> Death. I do not know which scared me more, marrying, death or the predictability of it all.
The fear of the life continuum changed by the time I was 28 and had ended (actually he ended) a long term relationship. Suddenly, I felt like an old-maid – and my sister (who had married at 19) encouraged that feeling. She would ask me who would want me now – and I’d better get married soon, or I’d never have kids.
Hmmph, kids, another thing to think about. I really liked kids, and kids really liked me. Where did kids stand in this picture of getting married? Suddenly, I was thinking I should get married soon because (like many people were saying) all the good ones would get taken. I began dating furiously. An activity I always abhorred – thinking that it really didn’t tell you anything about the person – just a way to pass time and please family members by being able to say with a smile – Yes, I’m dating. At 30, I had my next serious fling – with someone 8 years my junior. He made me feel young, energetic and attractive. But, I still wanted a serious relationship and not too long after my fling ended, I found who I thought fit all the criteria I was looking for: nice looking, taller than I, had been an Eagle Scout, had a good job and came from a good family. What more could I ask for? – OH YAH – that he DIDN’T GET DRUNK MOST EVERY DAY!!!! A minor (not!) fact that I somehow over looked. Oh, but I was in love and I thought things could work out – after all he had all the other characteristics I wanted. We moved in together and bought a house. Now, I am not one who likes to regrets actions I’ve taken – but this was the biggest mistake I had ever made in my life. The house became a chain around my neck. A chain that my boyfriend kept taking apart in his blackouts and never finding the time to put together when he was sober. By the end of the relationship (which lasted about 6 years) he was cheating on me and the house looked like a hurricane had hit it. I finally asked him to move out and he did – in with his other girl friend.
For the next number of years, I went through what I might refer to as my Crush Years. One after the other I developed an attraction for a number of inappropriate men. Whenever I had a quiet moment I would dream about was this man. I would dolt on how his neck curved so cleanly, or how often he talked to me. I would imagine how wonderful my life would be – if and only if – he wasn’t gay, he would ask me out, or he didn’t have a girlfriend – if only. . .
I would try doing some of the practical stuff – such as dating. But, that didn’t work out at all. Finally, I realized (with the help of some dear friends) that the reason I was developing these crushes was because I had been badly hurt in my last relationship. I was afraid to get into another “real” relationship, one where I didn’t just daydream about being held romantically, but would really be held in someone’s arms. I took this information to heart.
It wasn’t long after that, I met Mark, whom I ended up marrying.
Can I say that being married is the be-all and end all? Not quite. Being married is OK. But, sometimes it is a lot of hard work, constant compromising being the biggie. Being single was OK too, but there are challenges there, like I was lonely a lot. I look at my single life and think, I was pretty happy (esp. when I wasn’t thinking about the man I wasn’t dating). If I knew then what I know now, I would have been a lot more happy when I was single. I wouldn’t have obsessed about finding the right man. I wouldn’t think about the things I couldn’t do because I didn’t have a man. I wouldn’t feel embarrassed because I was 40 and still single. A person can be single (divorced or widowed) and be happy at any age – and that is what this book is about.
I believe if you resolve the types of day to day issues, such as th ones described in this book, you will be closer to being centered in your life and making the wise choice of marrying or staying single, and being living life fully either way.
I have been a meditator for many years. I have found that positive thinking; affirmations and relaxations helped me maintain a steady attitude. Also, I felt that if every day I did certain activities, then I also felt better. I talked this over with friends and one (a therapist) said that I should write that down and market it.
I hope this book will help you through your single 40’s, 50’s or whatever age you are as you date, not date, but either way grow as a person.